When to tell an ex about the new partner's past

HurdyGurdy

My daughter has a 2 year old daughter. She and the baby's dad split up when the baby was about five months old, and their relationship is strained, so say the least, to the point where her ex will not have contact with the baby unless one of his friends is available to collect her from my daughter and return her. He won't see or speak to my daughter at all. All their communications are done via email or text messaging.

My daughter has recently resumed contact with someone she was at school with about 10 years ago. They have been chatting on Facebook etc for a few weeks, and they met up again last week. He came and spent an evening with her in her flat last week (after the baby was in bed), and they went to the park (with the baby) on Saturday. They were just friends, and he has spent some time as such, with my daughter and the baby.

However, my daughter feels that this relationship could develop into something more than friendship, and it seems that this friend feels the same way.

The dilemma my daughter has is that the friend is currently in a rehab place, and has been there since January. He got involved in drugs (my daughter doesn't know exactly what), and got into a dark place.

He is determined now to get clean and will remain in this rehab place until around July time, I think. He seems to be doing well there (I have not met him, or spoken to him, so I am only going by what my daughter has told me).

My daughter has today asked me when/if she should tell her ex about her friend's past. And I just don't know what to say.

Should she be upfront about it, and say that although they are not in relationship now, it may develop into one, and tell her ex about the new man's past now, as he has been spending time with my daughter and the baby?

Or wait until a time that it has developed beyond friendship, and then say something?

The baby lives with my daughter, and her ex has her overnight one night a week only, so obviously if he meets someone new, it will be much easier for him to wait for a long period of time before introducing her to the baby. My daughter has a more difficult time in this respect.

My daughter is worried about telling her ex (actually, the word she used was "terrified") and fears that he disapprove, and will then enter into a custody battle. (I don't think he would, realistically, as his job involves working shifts and childcare would be an issue for him.)

meritaten

your DD has met someone who is trying to kick his habit? he expects to be there until July?
she is worried about telling her ex?
isn't she worried about herself or her child? if he is JUST a friend then why would she be telling anyone? either you are very naïve or you aren't telling all.

justme111

It does not make sense.
Why does she have to talk with ex at all. Why does she have to tell him anything about her love life. Why does she think about it now when there is even no love life ?

Heffi1

Your daughters ex is just that her ex she has no obligation to tell the ex about her new friend, and certainly not about his past.

The important person is the child and as long as that child comes first then why does she feel the need to tell her ex anything at all. It is none of his business anymore.

paulineb_2

Its not common for rehabs to allow people outside to stay over with friends, unless its not a residential rehab. I would say tread very carefully, particularly if someone is just in the process of getting clean.

However, its none of the exes business as long as the child is safe, people can and do get over alcohol and drug issues.

Mojisola

Heffi1 wrote: »

The important person is the child and as long as that child comes first then why does she feel the need to tell her ex anything at all. It is none of his business anymore.

If you were the child's father and this friend became a fixture in your child's life, wouldn't you want to know that he had been a drug user to the extent that he needed to go into rehab?

PasturesNew

It's none of the ex' business .... and there's nothing to tell.

I'd be worried that the new fella's seeing an easy nest to slide into.... as a single man his choice is some grim shared houses with ne'er do wells, or he can walk into a proper house with all the facilities laid on, meals cooked and washing done.

Sounds like a lot of "rushing" is going on here.

marisco_2

I realise your daughter is a grown woman and that there is only so much you can do now to advise and guide her at her age.

She has an ex, who despite having a young child with her, refuses to behave maturely. He chooses to only see his 2 year old daughter if a friend can pick her up and drop her off on his behalf. Communication between them is all but broken if they only discuss things via email or text.

I think your daughters focus right now needs to be on herself and her child. I think she would be very wise to not get involved with this new guy beyond being a supportive friend, until he is clean of the drugs problem he has. In my opinion she should not be considering getting into a relationship with him yet.

Putting in writing via email or text that she is involved, with someone currently in rehab for a drug problem, would be extremely unwise. By the sounds of it, it is very doubtful her ex would want to go for custody. However if he did, that kind of written revelation could be used against her.

If she chooses to stay involved with this guy, then the ex does have a right to know who is in contact with his child, and should be told in person. Your daughter might find he doesn't react well to it and would need to prepare herself for that.

In all honesty if she were my daughter, I would be having a very frank and open discussion with her, about her choices and how they could detrimentally effect her and her child. I hope this does not come across as judgemental at all, that is not my intention. I just think you are a grounded and sensible mum well aware of where all this could lead.

paulineb_2

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's none of the ex' business .... and there's nothing to tell.

I'd be worried that the new fella's seeing an easy nest to slide into.... as a single man his choice is some grim shared houses with ne'er do wells, or he can walk into a proper house with all the facilities laid on, meals cooked and washing done.

Sounds like a lot of "rushing" is going on here.

Tbh, residential rehabs will assist in finding someone somewhere to live and part of the process of getting clean is disassociating yourself from people who might still be in the process of using.

However I agree in the respect that I think this man needs to get clean and then see what he wants in terms of a relationship and that could take some time.

If hes sensible that is I think.

shellsuit

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's none of the ex' business .... and there's nothing to tell.

I'd be worried that the new fella's seeing an easy nest to slide into.... as a single man his choice is some grim shared houses with ne'er do wells, or he can walk into a proper house with all the facilities laid on, meals cooked and washing done.

Sounds like a lot of "rushing" is going on here.

Of course it's the ex's business, the "ex user" is spending time with his child!

Heffi1

Mojisola wrote: »

If you were the child's father and this friend became a fixture in your child's life, wouldn't you want to know that he had been a drug user to the extent that he needed to go into rehab?

Actually, if and I know it is an if, the person gets clean and makes a new life for themselves, then they surely should not be judged on mistakes that they have decided to not make again. That being said, we can all fall off the wagon, so nothing is certain.

In this case there is no relationship at the moment so I don't think it would do any good to tell him, and as she herself has used the word terrified, then it may actually cause more harm long term.

As long as the child is always at the forefront of any decisions made and their welfare is taken care of, then I think it is wise to go in with both eyes open.

I do not think the father at this stage needs to know.