When to tell an ex about the new partner's past

HurdyGurdy

marisco wrote: »

I realise your daughter is a grown woman and that there is only so much you can do now to advise and guide her at her age.

She has an ex, who despite having a young child with her, refuses to behave maturely. He chooses to only see his 2 year old daughter if a friend can pick her up and drop her off on his behalf. Communication between them is all but broken if they only discuss things via email or text.

I think your daughters focus right now needs to be on herself and her child. I think she would be very wise to not get involved with this new guy beyond being a supportive friend, until he is clean of the drugs problem he has. In my opinion she should not be considering getting into a relationship with him yet.

Putting in writing via email or text that she is involved, with someone currently in rehab for a drug problem, would be extremely unwise. By the sounds of it, it is very doubtful her ex would want to go for custody. However if he did, that kind of written revelation could be used against her.

If she chooses to stay involved with this guy, then the ex does have a right to know who is in contact with his child, and should be told in person. Your daughter might find he doesn't react well to it and would need to prepare herself for that.

In all honesty if she were my daughter, I would be having a very frank and open discussion with her, about her choices and how they could detrimentally effect her and her child. I hope this does not come across as judgemental at all, that is not my intention. I just think you are a grounded and sensible mum well aware of where all this could lead.

Thank you. This is more or less what I feel. But I wasn't sure if I wasn't seeing things clearly, as it was my daughter involved, and I was too close to see things clearly. I also didn't want to be seen as an interfering mother, trying to control my adult daughter's life.

Mojisola

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

This is why my daughter feels her ex *should* know. My daughter would want to know something about any partners her ex has who will be spending a reasonable amount of time with her daughter.

As I have said, she just doesn't know how he will take it, and is worried that he will use it as a reason to try to gain custody of the baby.

I don't see why she needs to say anything at the moment - does she know the background of everyone the child comes into contact with while with the father? - but if the friend becomes something more serious, I think the father has the right to know.

Relapse rates are 40 - 60% according to this site - https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/science-addiction/treatment-recovery - so she should take things slowly and make sure he's not going to be one of those statistics before getting serious.

HurdyGurdy

Heffi1 wrote: »

Actually, if and I know it is an if, the person gets clean and makes a new life for themselves, then they surely should not be judged on mistakes that they have decided to not make again. That being said, we can all fall off the wagon, so nothing is certain.

In this case there is no relationship at the moment so I don't think it would do any good to tell him, and as she herself has used the word terrified, then it may actually cause more harm long term.

As long as the child is always at the forefront of any decisions made and their welfare is taken care of, then I think it is wise to go in with both eyes open.

I do not think the father at this stage needs to know.

Thank you.

I have a lot of respect for anyone who has an addiction, accepts they have a big problem and then seeks help to get clean, and I don't hold it against them.

I don't want to tell my daughter what to do. But I don't want to tell her not to do something, if it's something she needs to be doing (if that makes sense).

HurdyGurdy

Scrapaholic wrote: »

If it was my daughter I think I'd advise her not to rush into anything . They may just remain friends . Why rush into telling the ex all the details . Is the ex likely to find out about the new friends past from someone else ? Are you worried about the new friends' past ? It's a difficult one . How would your daughter feel if her ex had a new partner who had been involved with drugs and was in contact with her baby ? You say your daughter doesn't know what kind of drugs her new friend was involved , hasn't she asked him ? If this was my daughter I do think I'd be worried and hope she wouldn't be rushing into anything too quickly . No offence intended , hope it all works out .

Thank you.

I think my daughter has just been letting him tell her what he feels he wants to, and not push him to tell her anything he's not ready to, yet. This started off with her just talking to an old school friend who had been through a bad time, and was coming out of it.

If it does progress to a more personal relationship, then she will find out more about his situation and how he came to be a drug user, and what he was using.

I asked her how she would feel if the position was reversed, and she didn't know that her ex had been seeing an ex-drugs user, until months into their relationship - *if* he spent as much time with the baby as she does. She said she would want to know.

Of course, if he did see someone, then as he only has the baby overnight one night a week, then it's much easier for him to develop that relationship without the baby spending time with them as a couple.

HurdyGurdy

Treevo wrote: »

So your daughter is allowing her young child to spend time with a drug addict? No wonder she's terrified of telling her ex. I can't imagine a single thing that would make me knowingly put one of mine near a drug addict.

No. You must have misread my OP. My daughter has spent two hours at the park with her daughter and an EX-drug addict. Not a current drug addict.

gizmo111

1 drug using parent/step is not necassarily a big risk to the child. I see no reason to tell childs father at this stage.

What is being overlooked is the relationship that is evolving with a drug user who is still in rehab, who hasnt come clean to his new girlriend about the drugs he has used. THis is a relationship that needs to be started very slowly and carefully without the child involved.

DUTR

shellsuit wrote: »

Of course it's the ex's business, the "ex user" is spending time with his child!

Well said Shellsuit, I'm sure if the tables were turned and the child was stopping with the ex for a weekend and he had a new partner with some history, the attitude would change somewhat.

Treevo

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

No. You must have misread my OP. My daughter has spent two hours at the park with her daughter and an EX-drug addict. Not a current drug addict.

If he's not currently an addict then why is he still in rehab?

HurdyGurdy

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't see why she needs to say anything at the moment - does she know the background of everyone the child comes into contact with while with the father? - but if the friend becomes something more serious, I think the father has the right to know.

Relapse rates are 40 - 60% according to this site - https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/science-addiction/treatment-recovery - so she should take things slowly and make sure he's not going to be one of those statistics before getting serious.

Thank you again.

I think they both need to take things slowly. My daughter has had a really tough time since parting from the baby's dad. Things have been very fraught between them, and I don't think rushing into a "big" relationship is right for her.

And likewise, the friend is doing something hard too, with going through rehab, and going into a new relationship with someone who has the "baggage" of a young child and a problematic ex, is probably not ideal for him either.

I am holding my tongue, because no doubt whatever I say, I will be in the wrong at some point or another. I am just offering to babysit any time, and have the little one for sleepovers whenever she wants us to.

HurdyGurdy

Treevo wrote: »

If he's not currently an addict then why is he still in rehab?

Ok then. Not a current drug user. Is that better?