Sisters 40th birthday - what she's expecting, what I can afford!

Purleygirl

What a horrible situation to be put in, but sometimes I think the more we dread it and big up the reaction in our heads, the worse it gets. I think before her birthday you should contact her and say it as it is. You're sorry but money is so tight at the moment and though you'd love to treat her more as it's a special day you just can't find a way to get the money together. Thank her for understanding before she can splutter a reply. Also explain this to your Mum too. Honestly, there's such a big, silly deal about adults and birthdays. Hope you get through it unscathed!

LilChel

I would probably just give the spoilt birthday girl the wine, and put 40p in the card instead of a tenner, then put 'sorry, times are tough for us mere mortals, so couldn't afford £40, but hey heres 40p....and every penny helps:)

I actually do put pennies in peoples cards on any special birthday. I had it done to me a few weeks ago for my 40th too, I found it funny. I also got 40 tea bags too.

I'm a single mum so didn't really want anything major done like a party, hate being the centre of attention as it just highlights that I'm still on my own. I was given money, my best friend got me a bottle of Jimmy Choo perfume that I liked (something I wouldn't buy myself) so I loved it BUT the best present of all was.......a photo album put together by my daughter, of me when I was a kid and up to and including pictures of us together too:)

dktreesea

Person_one wrote: »

Being on benefits is most definitely not the only situation in which money can be tight.

True, but if people are working, being in a tight situation may not be respected by others in the same way as it would be if the people involved were unemployed and soley reliant on benefits.

The implication about people who are working is that they are earning more than enough to live on, so if things are now tight and they are still in their jobs, it's (assumed to be) because they have spent beyond their means.

A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with her sister, where she got a "not much of a present" gift on her 40th and the sister said it was because "money was tight".

And yet that same sister is away to Torresmolinous (?? not sure about the spelling) in two weeks time because it was "already paid for" long ago (i.e. when she also couldn't afford it but still had space on her credit cards to pay for it, whereas now she reckons she is all maxed out).

If it had been the sister's 39th or 41st, I doubt if the incident would be quite so significant, but women can be quite emotional about turning 40.

I thought it interesting what happened in the aftermath. The sister was maxed out so was relying on the Bank of Mum and Dad to pony up some spending money for her trip. But they seem to be siding with my friend, and have told the sister they "can't afford it now, because money is too tight".

All in all, it seems to have caused a rift in the family. The sister then approached my friend for a loan for her trip and got told "Try Wonga. Money is tight!" She says she had the money and could have lent it to her sister - she knows she'll get it back - but now she "knows her sister doesn't really value her" so why should she.

OP, I am not saying this could happen to you. But I can't help but wonder if my friend's sister is regretting her stinginess now.

andygb

dktreesea wrote: »

Plus I just realised , from the title, that it's your sister's 40th. That's a landmark age for people, when you are meant to up the spend, not lower it.

Does your sister want expensive perfume because she can't afford it for herself, or just because she wants a decent pressie?

Ah yes, these "landmark" birthdays - 16, 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, 80, 100

To be perfectly honest, they are only seen as landmarks by people who EXPECT to be given things all the time, who need to find excuses to be the centre of attention.

Once you become an adult, you should stop acting like a spoilt child.

For me, a birthday means having a BBQ, sharing the time with a few mates and family - I'm not interested in people buying me presents, and I do not miss cards.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

jackie_w wrote: »

Hi,


My sister is 40 next week and she has been dropping hints about how much she is expecting me to spend on her.
Money is tight at the moment, very tight, and she is aware of this, but I think she is going to be very disappointed with her gift.

I have bought her a really nice card, a bottle of her favourite wine (which cost me £15) and I was going to just put £10 in her card as she is very very fussy when it comes to gifts, and she wouldn't appreciate anything home made.

She has arranged a weekend away (spa weekend), with her friends and I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it, and she wasn't very happy with this (even though she knew I wasn't going because I couldn't afford it).

I feel bad not being able to give her more, and I guess I'm kind of looking for some advice as to how to handle her reaction not to mention my mums reaction too because she will pull me up for not spending a lot on her too.

Any advice?

What will her reaction actually be? Word for word?

arbroath_lass

dktreesea wrote: »

A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with her sister, where she got a "not much of a present" gift on her 40th and the sister said it was because "money was tight".

And yet that same sister is away to Torresmolinous (?? not sure about the spelling) in two weeks time because it was "already paid for" long ago (i.e. when she also couldn't afford it but still had space on her credit cards to pay for it, whereas now she reckons she is all maxed out).

OMG is this for real :eek:? I'd be mortified if my sister couldn't have her holiday because she'd bought me a birthday present.

ETA I think the body lotion idea is a good one if you can return the wine OP.

Georgiegirl256

dktreesea wrote: »

All in all, it seems to have caused a rift in the family. The sister then approached my friend for a loan for her trip and got told "Try Wonga. Money is tight!" She says she had the money and could have lent it to her sister - she knows she'll get it back - but now she "knows her sister doesn't really value her" so why should she.

OP, I am not saying this could happen to you. But I can't help but wonder if my friend's sister is regretting her stinginess now.

So, is that you suggesting the OP is stingy? If so, who are you to judge? You don't know the OP's financial situation do you?

I was always brought up to be grateful for whatever I received, whether I liked it or not.

paulineb_2

dktreesea wrote: »

True, but if people are working, being in a tight situation may not be respected by others in the same way as it would be if the people involved were unemployed and soley reliant on benefits.

The implication about people who are working is that they are earning more than enough to live on, so if things are now tight and they are still in their jobs, it's (assumed to be) because they have spent beyond their means.

A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with her sister, where she got a "not much of a present" gift on her 40th and the sister said it was because "money was tight".

And yet that same sister is away to Torresmolinous (?? not sure about the spelling) in two weeks time because it was "already paid for" long ago (i.e. when she also couldn't afford it but still had space on her credit cards to pay for it, whereas now she reckons she is all maxed out).

If it had been the sister's 39th or 41st, I doubt if the incident would be quite so significant, but women can be quite emotional about turning 40.

I thought it interesting what happened in the aftermath. The sister was maxed out so was relying on the Bank of Mum and Dad to pony up some spending money for her trip. But they seem to be siding with my friend, and have told the sister they "can't afford it now, because money is too tight".

All in all, it seems to have caused a rift in the family. The sister then approached my friend for a loan for her trip and got told "Try Wonga. Money is tight!" She says she had the money and could have lent it to her sister - she knows she'll get it back - but now she "knows her sister doesn't really value her" so why should she.

OP, I am not saying this could happen to you. But I can't help but wonder if my friend's sister is regretting her stinginess now.

Perhaps some people dont earn very much in the jobs they have, doesnt mean its living beyond their means.

I dont have much cash to spare and even when I was working full time I didnt make a massive deal of birthdays. But my family dont sit up and tot up who spends what on each other.

For example my brother was a student and then unemployed for a time and I had more money to spend on him, but for my 40th he bought me an ipod, must have spent about £200 on it, I totally wasnt expecting it but I knew that he was making the point that he was thankful that I had been able to spend on him when I had it. And I wouldnt ever expect him to spend that sum of money on me every year, but he didnt buy me that thinking, he would add up what I spent on him for his birthday (our birthdays are 2 days apart), he was happy to give me that gift.

He now has more money than I do, but its the exchanging of the gifts thats important, not whats spent on it. Ive bought family presents from poundland in my time as well, from charity shops, Ive taken people out for meals, Ive had people take me out for meals and I ask people what they would like so that I know what I'll give them is something that they'll use. But my family know that money is tight for me and it has been over the last few years.

This year my brother bought me a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, because that was what I asked for. Something could be £2 or £20, it wouldnt matter to me what I received, its the thought that counts.

And if someone is being a right old drama queen over what they want and making noises about people being stingy when they know there isnt much spare money, thats sad and its not worth the stress being caused.

neverdespairgirl

dktreesea wrote: »

A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with her sister, where she got a "not much of a present" gift on her 40th and the sister said it was because "money was tight".

And yet that same sister is away to Torresmolinous (?? not sure about the spelling) in two weeks time because it was "already paid for" long ago ....

I thought it interesting what happened in the aftermath. The sister was maxed out so was relying on the Bank of Mum and Dad to pony up some spending money for her trip. But they seem to be siding with my friend, and have told the sister they "can't afford it now, because money is too tight".

All in all, it seems to have caused a rift in the family. The sister then approached my friend for a loan for her trip and got told "Try Wonga. Money is tight!" She says she had the money and could have lent it to her sister - she knows she'll get it back - but now she "knows her sister doesn't really value her" so why should she.

Interesting?

I think your friend should grow up. There is absolutely no need to lend her sister money, but she seems to be seriously throwing her toys out of the pram on this one.

MarilynMonroe_2

She should be grateful for whatever she gets. I got one card for my 40th... tell her that!