Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

As for clutter, lots of people have it. Ive had too much of it in the past but its just about sorted now. No its not ideal, but there are many reasons why people end up with too much stuff and take too long to deal with it.

tesuhoha

I think its crunch time TWM. Time to get tough and you can be even if you don't feel it. You only have one child and you need to put distance between him and you. Don't be polite and tiptoe around him. He isn't polite to you so why should you? This is why he is abusive. If you stand up to him then it is likely he will get a huge shock. Your biggest problem is your nervy attitude towards him. He knows you are frightened of him and he wants to keep it that way. If you can get over the fear then everything else will fall into place.

paulineb_2

The OP has posted on the housing board looking for advice on where to proceed from here.

Laurajo_2

tesuhoha wrote: »

I think its crunch time TWM. Time to get tough and you can be even if you don't feel it. You only have one child and you need to put distance between him and you. Don't be polite and tiptoe around him. He isn't polite to you so why should you? This is why he is abusive. If you stand up to him then it is likely he will get a huge shock. Your biggest problem is your nervy attitude towards him. He knows you are frightened of him and he wants to keep it that way. If you can get over the fear then everything else will fall into place.

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as that. If he chooses to, he can make life very difficult - the house she is trying to get ex oh to leave, she is liable for the rent and utilities as it's all in her name. It is somewhat complex legally and TWM needs to tread very carefully - her ex is only paying the money for rent etc on a voluntary basis - should he cease to do this, TWM would have to take it on. Should he refuse to leave after TDM has given notice, I believe the landlord can charge double rent.

I'm all for taken no more of his shizzle, but not if it's going to put her new life and house in jeopardy - that will need to wait until after the lease is resolved.

bestpud

paulineb wrote: »

As for clutter, lots of people have it. Ive had too much of it in the past but its just about sorted now. No its not ideal, but there are many reasons why people end up with too much stuff and take too long to deal with it.

The OP is a self confessed hoarder - we aren't talking of a bit of clutter here. She renewed the lease in part because the house was full of her stuff, and from what I can tell, it still contains a lot of her stuff.

I'd hazard a guess that she has problems letting go of anything - material items and people.

Who knows where that stems from but she could do a lot worse than get some help with that clutter, or more to the point, the emotions and motivation behind it.

carefullycautious

I would have taken legal advice a long time ago not left it approx. a month before the lease is due to run out.

Op you must get legal advice about what the consequences are going to be if your ex refuses to leave. It sounds as though he is psychologically barricading himself in if he is buying even more furniture into what sounds like an overcrowded place.

Why haven't you written by registered post the fact that you are not renewing the lease?

teawithmilk

Ok, Im sorry if you think Im messing about. I dont mind if you step away if you think I'm ignoring advice. Thank you anyway. I greatly appreciate every single comment that people have made on here over the last 12 months and it has given me the strength to do what I have done so far, I'm not spamming nor a troll.

99% of my stuff is away from "his" house and I am making efforts to de-clutter my life of other stuff but that takes time. I work full time, long hours, and I'm trying to raise my daughter (pretty much as a single parent now as he does nothing with her really)

Any spare time I get on a weekend is also spent visiting my mum who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia 3 months ago and is rapidly declining.

Clutter, although annoying, is the least of my worries at the moment. I will deal with all that when I can.

I have to go to work now, thanks

stripey1969

Wow, your ex's text about the lease really made it clear what a grade-A w*nker he is!

I've known a couple of people like him in my life, and you try and reason with them and get nowhere because THEY ARE NOT REASONABLE PEOPLE. You can try and get them to see your point of view but you will always fail, because they're incapable of putting themselves in someone's else shoes. The best advice I can give you is to stop trying to reason with him and stop trying to get him to act or think reasonably. It just ain't gonna happen.

Decide on a course of action and try not to feel the need to justify it. Nothing you say to him will make him realise how he's treated/treating you. Just decide on it, do it, be courteous but don't get drawn into discussions or explanations. Don't be anxious trying to anticipate how he will react to something you've done; since his reactions will inevitably be unreasonable, you are only opening yourself up to unavoidable stress. YOU KNOW YOU ARE BEING REASONABLE. Trust your instincts.

(((TWM)))

stripey1969

p.s. I find this is worth a read in times of turmoil: http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/max-ehrmann.html

teawithmilk

Thank you Stripey, thats a lovely piece of poetry.

The best option for everyone (DD included) would be for him to try and take on the tenancy.... he's daft to not think this was the most sensible thing to do. He wouldnt have to shift furniture, DD could keep her room and its convenient for her bus stop. But he is obviously playing the martyr now.

Well I know where I stand with him now. This morning when I got into work I e mailled him (cut and pasted) the e mail that I had from the letting agency. I left out the exact date when the tenancy expires.

I then texted him to let him know that I had e mailled him (yes I know this sounds overcomplicated but he often denies getting e-mails)

In the message I said politely: here are the contact details for the agency (I gave him e mail and phone number of lady there)
I also mentioned that its not impossible to get a tenancy- X (a family member of mine ) came back from abroad with no credit history and managed to sort out a tenancy OK.

Ive just had this back from him: (his words)

"If you are that reluctant to just keep things 'smooth' then just forget it No point trying to make it any clearer as I already have. Give them notice as soon as possible. Dont want to have to show people round. I'll sort somewhere out myself"

So now I know he is not going to even attempt to contact the agency and I have to get him out. I have e-mailled my brother asking for his help. Dont know what he can do but he might be able to give me some moral support when he is back from abroad this weekend. I have e mailled my divorce solicitor and told her the situation and asked for some quick advice. She works in a large firm and they have experts in conveyancing and property.

I dont have the courage to phone the agency today. I'll sort it out tomorrow. Procrastinating again I know. But I need a good nights sleep as I was awake from 3.30am this morning.

Thanks again xx