Messy relationship situation

bagpussbear

I also agree you did a wrong thing by not telling your partner. You should have been open about the fact about meeting him and if you have nothing to hide why not invite your partner along too.

I am not surprised he is upset, though I think he is overreacting a little, if you have given him no cause for suspicion before.

But what surprises me is that because you are going through a sad time with your dad (sorry to hear that) you decided to turn to an Ex for advice and a listening ear, rather than your partner. Do you not think he realises that too and feels hurt.

If my husband did that to me, I would be seriously peed off.

I hope you manage to work it out.

valk_scot

You've got a perfect right to maintain platonic friendships with anyone you darn well please. It's not for your OH to dictate to you about this. It's a trust issue after all, you don't want to spend your life being controlled by a possessive partner.

However the opposite side of this is that your behavior has to be transparent enough to deserve this trust. Seeing an ex behind a current partners back would give even the most trusting of OHs a wobbly moment or two, I expect. If you had told him ahead of time then he wouldn't have had any grounds for his possessive behaviour, because you didn't he now actually does have an actual concrete reason to be concerned.

He does sound a bit OTT in general about being possessive though. Can you cope with this for the rest of your life? If you can honestly say that you'd have to keep telling him fibs and going behind his back to do otherwise perfectly innocent and reasonable things then really, you should be taking a second look at whether you want to stay in this relationship.

If you do decide to stay with him though you're going to have to be 100% straight with him though, no matter how difficult he finds it. I don't see why you should be forced to sneak around his paranoia. On the other hand, he might feel he can't deal with not being able to dictate your behaviour as much as he wants you and he might split with you because of it. But that's his call.

As to the lack of support for you during a very difficult time well, if he's being such an !!!! you find you have to look for support to an ex well, he's an !!!!. That for me would be the deal breaker tbh, I wouldn't be wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone who ignored my needs when my father was so very ill. How well does that bode for the future? To be married to a jealous, possesive man who dictated my behaviour and who wouldn't support me in a crisis? Not much of a catch tbh. You could do better.

pupsicola

I think you could have saved yourself a whole lot of bother if you had just told your partner about meeting the ex. It is not on that he is accusing you of cheating but I can see why he is not happy about the situation.

bitemebankers

For what it's worth, I've got close friendships with one ex girlfriend and my ex-wife. Just because the romance didn't work out doesn't mean I want these great women out of my life. My girlfriend is similarly minded and is very close to one of her exes. This works fine for us, but we've always been completely open about it with one another.

And this is the rub. The OP wasn't open and straightforward and, predictably enough, her partner is put out because he's worried there's something more to it. If she'd been open with him from the start, he might not have been keen but would probably see it for what it was. As it is now, from his perspective, he's got good grounds for feeling suspicious. Even though this isn't and would never be an issue in my own relationship, I can understand how he feels.

I think the OP has some apologising to do and both parties have some work to do on their communication if they're going to fix the relationship. That said, I don't share some of the gloomy predictions shared here. I'm sure this is something that can be worked though.

victory

Lack of communication caused this, if the relationship was open and honest none of this would have happened, not telling him, sets off all sorts of questions in his mind and he reacts to them.

neverdespairgirl

Bryando wrote: »

I am of the opinion you can't be 'friends' with somebody where that line has been crossed. So I always cut all ties with ex partners and I would expect the same of my partner. I also cut all ties to save the hastle such as this to be honest!

I think that's unfortunate. Relationships can end amicably, where things have just changed, and if you like someone enough to go out with them, then why abandon altogether?

I am still friends with one of my ex-boyfriends (there are only two ex-es in my past anyway) and we exchange Christmas cards, meet up once or twice a year when he's in London, as he lives a long way away, and that's about it. I liked him when I was a teenager, and our relationship lasted about a year, and ended because I was a university in London, and he was in Scotland, also at Uni.

I think in relation to the OP, that not telling him was probably a bit unfair, but that his reaction is way out of line.

duchy

It seems the reason why the OP wasn't upfront with her boyfriend is because she knew he'd react badly ........and he did and is currently accusing her of all sorts because he's insecure.

Frankly he's probably done her a favour as she can now see what he's like .
My BF wouldn't think twice if I saw an ex. He trusts me-I trust him -No point in been together if you don't. If I forgot to tell him -he'd probably ask about it in a good way and he saw something on FB he wouldn't imediately look for reasons why I didn't mention it- but I certainly don't have to account for my movements to him...if I did he'd be history !

podperson

I think it's a fine line tbh, it's ok to say that the OP didn't tell him because she knew he would react badly - but not telling him she's almost justifying the fact that he doesn't trust him by hiding things.

I know when I first got together with my OH he'd been cheated on by his last several partners. It had left him feeling quite insecure and paranoid about it happening again. I had several close male friends at the time, one of which I'd dated very briefly, and at first he hated it. He would be upset and paranoid when I met up with them and questioning where we were going and what we were doing.
I suppose it's how you deal with it. I felt bad that he had been hurt before but I told him very straight that I wasn't that kind of person - that I was going to still meet my friends, he could even come along if he wanted - I had absolutely no reason to hide anything as nothing suspicious was going on.
It did take a bit of time but now he's fine and even good friends himself with some of those people. I'm not saying that this is the same situation with the OP's partner - he does sound quite over-bearing - but perhaps there is reason for this. Just because you get together with someone doesn't mean you can automatically trust them completely - trust has to be earned - and that means not doing anything to break it.

Joons

duchy wrote: »

It seems the reason why the OP wasn't upfront with her boyfriend is because she knew he'd react badly ........and he did and is currently accusing her of all sorts because he's insecure.

Frankly he's probably done her a favour as she can now see what he's like .
My BF wouldn't think twice if I saw an ex. He trusts me-I trust him -No point in been together if you don't. If I forgot to tell him -he'd probably ask about it in a good way and he saw something on FB he wouldn't imediately look for reasons why I didn't mention it- but I certainly don't have to account for my movements to him...if I did he'd be history !

But would you really `forget` to tell your OH something like that - meeting someone you had a romatic relationship with? Seems an odd thing to forget to me. Surely if she trusted her b/f she would have felt able to tell him, I think it's more about her worrying over his reaction, which, does sound, completely over the top.

Bufger

If my missus went and met an ex without mentioning it to me i'd wonder what the hell was going on. Its not the fact you met up it was the fact you didnt mention it!

If I were him i'd be seriously thinking about what else you wouldnt tell him. I'd probably get rid of you