Messy relationship situation

Bryando

I am of the opinion you can't be 'friends' with somebody where that line has been crossed. So I always cut all ties with ex partners and I would expect the same of my partner. I also cut all ties to save the hastle such as this to be honest!

Orlando_Virgin

I'm a bit worried as to why you feel you couldn't tell him, more than why you did/didn't go. It seems you have trust issues in your relationship already before you even went and met your ex.

Personally I wouldn't have any problem with my partner meeting her ex as long as she was open about it. It's often human psychology to think "why hasn't she told me? what's going on?" rather than "ah it's probably nothing".

On the same token if I were your fella I'd have just said I was a little bit disappointed and not being told and moved on, not caused a massive scene and accused you of cheating/sleeping with him. He sounds like he has a few insecurities either from his past or in himself.

victory

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Why should you tell him? Control in a relationship is bad news. If you want to go meet your ex for a chat,thats fine. Even if you said to OH oh im just nipping out to the cafe for an hour and he said.. oh who are you meeting and you said,your ex..then !!!!!! has it to do with him?

THey have been together a year, a year of being in a relationship surely based on trust, respect, love etc etc so if they are together meeting an ex behind his back, in secret would set alarms bells ringing for anyone....if it was not a big deal why not say? why the secrecy? What else has been going on I would think and rightly so...

System

Bryando wrote: »

I am of the opinion you can't be 'friends' with somebody where that line has been crossed. So I always cut all ties with ex partners and I would expect the same of my partner. I also cut all ties to save the hastle such as this to be honest!

I disagree

I'm best friends with one of my exes, that said we've now been friend longer than we'd been going out. My bf after him (now ex) never had a problem and they got on (heck we all lived in the same house at one point-thoug that's probably not the norm ) and my current bf has met him and gets on with him.

So i think you can be friends and if any bf had a problem with that i'd question whether i'd ant them deciding who i can be friends with and why bthey can't trust me.

Op, i think you should have told him, but can understand why you didn't mention it.

RAS

Bryando wrote: »

I am of the opinion you can't be 'friends' with somebody where that line has been crossed. So I always cut all ties with ex partners and I would expect the same of my partner. I also cut all ties to save the hastle such as this to be honest!

And I am of the opposite opinion; If I regarded someone enough to try to make a relationship works, then there is probably enough about them for me to be happy to maintain a friendship afterwards.One even invited me to the wedding some years later.

And I have shared a festive meal with A&B who used to go out with C whose new partner D used to go out with the best friend of A. Perfectly amicable even if two of the blokes were at one another's throats a few years previously.

Bryando

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I disagree

I'm best friends with one of my exes, that said we've now been friend longer than we'd been going out. My bf after him (now ex) never had a problem and they got on (heck we all lived in the same house at one point-thoug that's probably not the norm ) and my current bf has met him and gets on with him.

So i think you can be friends and if any bf had a problem with that i'd question whether i'd ant them deciding who i can be friends with and why bthey can't trust me.

Op, i think you should have told him, but can understand why you didn't mention it.

I would run a mile from you:rotfl:

BugglyB

You should have told him you were going to meet your ex. He has a right to be upset.

That nonwithstanding, he sounds like a right tool.

marisco_2

To be honest with you I think it was wrong to not mention to your partner that you wished to meet up with and talk to your ex. I feel that deep down you knew this as well, or else you wouldn't have instantly felt unsure about it when it was first suggested.

From what you have advised us of, your reasons for seeing the ex were to catch up with him before he returned overseas and to discuss with him about your dads health issues because he had been through similar and could give you useful insight and advice. I can understand why you would feel it beneficial to speak to someone who had been in the same position you and your family are in at present. However that said, your life partner probably wanted to really help and support you through this time too. He is now left feeling confused and hurt that you didn't tell him about this meeting or turn to him first for support. I am just trying to see this from all sides to give you a full perspective.

You say your partner is jealous which could suggest that he suffers from having trust issues in relationships. Maybe these have been caused by things that have happened to him in his past. By going behind his back and keeping this from him, you have done nothing to improve his trust levels in you and have effectively left him asking what else you may be keeping from him. To be honest I think that is a normal reaction for him to have.

I am not accusing you of doing anything more than you have told us. However trust like respect is earnt and if you go behind peoples backs and keep things from them then the trust they feel in you breaks down. Which has led to the stalemate you are both in now.

I would advise lots and lots of open communication. Try very hard to see things from each others perspectives, work through your problems and see if they can be resolved. I hope things work out for you both and that your dad will be okay OP.

paulineb_2

BugglyB wrote: »

You should have told him you were going to meet your ex. He has a right to be upset.

That nonwithstanding, he sounds like a right tool.

I would agree with that totally. He does sound like hes making something out of nothing and to be honest, when you say things have been going well, its not on to be so jealous or possessive.

Im also of the opinion a clean break is best with exes, I tried and failed to be friends with one ex that I really loved but that was due to his behaviour after the split.

I dont think you necessarily did anything out of order here apart from not come clean, but I also do think you are kidding yourself on if you think you are going to be happy with a possessive partner.

Id be asking myself some serious questions about how good your relationship really is.

paulineb_2

And having said the above I know some people can be platonic friends with exes.

Bottom line is, you dont sound happy and its perhaps a good thing that this has happened and maybe you need to sit down and think do you want someone accusing you of sleeping with an ex if you have done no such thing.

Nothing excuses that in my view and in my experience people who are jealous, unless they make real efforts to change, dont get any better.
Its a form of control.