Messy relationship situation

bitemebankers

Bufger wrote: »

If my missus went and met an ex without mentioning it to me i'd wonder what the hell was going on. Its not the fact you met up it was the fact you didnt mention it!

This is the clincher, for me anyway. As I mentioned, both me and my GF have close friendships with various respective exes - in principle it's not a problem at all. The secrecy certainly is though.

If I were him i'd be seriously thinking about what else you wouldnt tell him. I'd probably get rid of you

To be frank, I think he'd have to be a little naive if such thoughts DIDN'T begin crossing his mind. I probably wouldn't dump someone for a single incident like this, but if it was part of a pattern, I certainly would.

What some people post here forget is that in the real world, people do cheat on one another and, at a year into the relationship, they're probably still developing that deep trust that long-term relationships need. If you turn this around and look at it from the man's POV, imagine him coming to this forum another year down the line and telling us how his girlfriend used to arrange meetups with exes without telling him. I can just imagine the same finger-pointers asking why he ignored the warning signs...

Danni-R

I can understand why you didnt tell him. I wouldnt have. Plans change and there would have been no need if the plans had changed.

Do you not wonder what he read on the internet?!

I am still friends with a few of my exs and I'd like to think that I could be in a mature enough relationship to continue that?

BWZN93

Bryando wrote: »

I am of the opinion you can't be 'friends' with somebody where that line has been crossed. So I always cut all ties with ex partners and I would expect the same of my partner. I also cut all ties to save the hastle such as this to be honest!

Sorry I'm late to the party here but this is !!!!!!!!. Yes you can be friends with ex's (unless of course they are complete idiots who should be avoided for your own sanity/safety). You expect your partners to cut contact with their ex's?? Paranoid much?? Controlling much?? If you were to say that to me I'd be telling you to get out and not bother coming back. I have friends who are ex's, just because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean they have to be cut out of your life. I can only presume that in this instance cutting people out of your life is because you choose nutters for partners or are so offensive they cut you out.

OP - you current fella sounds a little.... needy. Talk to him, and tell him there is no cheating, and its up to him whether he cuts the !!!!!!!! or you end it with him. Don't put up with ANYONE telling you who you can and cannot see.

BWZN93

Bufger wrote: »

If my missus went and met an ex without mentioning it to me i'd wonder what the hell was going on. Its not the fact you met up it was the fact you didnt mention it!

If I were him i'd be seriously thinking about what else you wouldnt tell him. I'd probably get rid of you

Boring. Would you have a problem with someone not telling you they are going to the bathroom? Or the supermarket? Or a female friend? Why would it have to be mentioned?

Reading threads like these..... thank god im single.

Torry_Quine

I do think that you should ha ve told him about the meeting before-hand. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting a friend of the opposite sex (although being friends with an ex isn't something I have done) but if you can't tell your spouse/partner that rings bells to me. Sorry but personally I can't imagine keeping it secret.

I also don't think it appropriate to be talking about your father's health to him rather than your boyfriend.

Mojisola

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I do think that you should ha ve told him about the meeting before-hand. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting a friend of the opposite sex (although being friends with an ex isn't something I have done) but if you can't tell your spouse/partner that rings bells to me. Sorry but personally I can't imagine keeping it secret.

I think this is the central issue - the fact that you felt you couldn't tell him even though it was all above board shows there is a problem with the relationship.

If he's extra-sensitive because he has been cheated on in the past - he needs to work on leaving that in the past and trusting you and you can help him get over it. If he's a control freak and unlikely to change - think whether he's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Errata

I told him absolutely nothing went on but he says you should never keep in touch or see an ex as he doesn't speak to any of his and is still saying I must have slept with him.

Any bloke who says this isn't 'over sensitive' or a 'control freak' they're simply a nasty piece of work and should be chucked in the recycle bin.

duchy

Joons wrote: »

But would you really `forget` to tell your OH something like that - meeting someone you had a romatic relationship with? Seems an odd thing to forget to me. Surely if she trusted her b/f she would have felt able to tell him, I think it's more about her worrying over his reaction, which, does sound, completely over the top.

Yes !!!
The clue is in the word PAST -as in -over-done with -and I'm with my OH now and very happy. Seeing a friend -is just that-the fact I was romantically involved with them is a detail -it's their status now-which is that of a friend ,,,,that is what is relevent.

Frankly I think the OP needs to dump this loser, control freak though !

I suspect some posters would be horrified that I still have my first husband on my FB -(no kids together so no "excuse" to keep in touch -but we do) .....and even <gasp> exchange the odd private message. If we were to meet up on one of my trips back to my hometown my OH wouldn't expect me to "ask permission" or wonder why I hadn't thought it worthy of mention. He knows if it WAS important to me I'd mention it-so as I haven't-it's not

Kynthia

Who's right and wrong is secondary. My primary concern OP is do you and your partner like each other, trust each other, support each other and try to make each other happy (not just one of you but both of you equally)? If not then why are you together?

pigpen

I'd get out of that relationship sharpish.

He is controlling, making threats.. what will he do if you choose to meet up with an ex again? .. What if he decides he doesn't like your friends do you have to stop seeing them too?? Or your family?

It took me 20 years to get my head switched on and see this type of behaviour for what it is.. it isn't jealousy it is controlling evil behaviour and it goes 1 of 2 ways.. they get violent when you start saying no or you become a total downtrodden mat.

You should feel able to tell your current partner you are meeting an ex not feel like you have to withhold the truth or directly lie just to keep the peace. If I said to my OH I was meeting anyone I am sure it would not be an issue.. I however have issue with his previous partner.. for a couple of specific reasons but I am happy to tell him why I would not want him to go. (He sneaked and spent the night at her house when the baby was 2 weeks old after taking his mum home and telling me he was staying there)

I was thinking yesterday.. why did no one tell me what a tool my XH was before I married him? Or at any point?... It would have saved me years of trouble and sadness.

But get out now before you are trapped in that negative cycle forever.