Messy relationship situation

Miss_Es

I have been with my OH for a year now and everything has been going well. I was contacted by my ex a couple of weeks back to say he was going to be in town for work (we dated for a year but broke up in Dec 2011) and that he would like to catch up. Instantly I was unsure whether to go but as he lives overseas I thought there might not be a chance to do it again.

I agreed to go and knew that OH would flip out if I told/asked him if I could go as he can be quite jealous sometimes and occasionally will make jokes about people saying 'i bet you fancy him' so I didn't tell him (possibly a dumb move?). As I was in town that day anyway to meet friends later on I figured seeing my ex for a few hours would fit in around my plans. So we met up and chatted and that was that, nothing untoward. The next day OH texted me to say he knew I met up with my ex (apparently reading something on the internet) and is mad I would go sleep with him and sneak around etc. I told him absolutely nothing went on but he says you should never keep in touch or see an ex as he doesn't speak to any of his and is still saying I must have slept with him.

Now another reason I wanted to see my ex is because my dad just got diagnosed with cancer and is very ill in hopsital right now and I knew my ex has been through a similar thing in his family. The news has really devastated me and my family and I'm finding it hard to cope and not get upset all the time. OH cannot understand why I would talk to my ex about such a thing.

The situation currently is that we aren't talking and I'm still upset he thinks I've been unfaithful. I've never cheated and OH seems to have no trust for me. Maybe it's me who is being unreasonable in all this, I don't know. I just have so much going on at the moment and don't need accusations of cheating. So just wanted other people's perspective in all this. I've spoken to a couple of friends and their view was 'can he not see how much you're going through at the moment, you need support and why doesn't he trust you', but like I said, maybe it is me who is being unreasonable?

Turtle

I agree you probably should have told him in advance but I can see why you didn't. You're not being unreasonable and I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.

paulineb_2

You should have told him I think. His reaction is over the top. Alarm bells would be ringing if this were me.

C_Mababejive

Why should you tell him? Control in a relationship is bad news. If you want to go meet your ex for a chat,thats fine. Even if you said to OH oh im just nipping out to the cafe for an hour and he said.. oh who are you meeting and you said,your ex..then !!!!!! has it to do with him?

victory

You should have told him, he is rightly bound to think allsorts, flip it round and if it was reversed would you not be mad that your OH did all that behind your back?

Joons

You should have told him but you've already said you didn't feel able to because of his reaction - you've only known each other a year but I get the impression he feels he has complete control over what you do, he doesn't. If he can't accept what you've told him then what is the point. I would say sorry though, it does appear a bit sneaky, how would you feel if it was the other way around?

Scorpio33

I am not in touch with my exes, but if I were to see them, I would be glad to.

The fact that (a) he says you should never keep in touch with exes and (b) accuses you of cheating when you haven't says more about him than anything.

He sounds like he is not over his exes fully and as he would cheat, he thinks you would. He is an idiot.

The_Magnificent_Spoon

Have you stopped to think about why he is insecure? It's probably because he's been cheated on in the past.

So what do you think his initial thoughts are when he discovered that not only had you pretty much lied to him (you may not have actually lied, but not telling him the truth is almost as bad with these situations) but also went to secretly meet up with your ex boyfriend behind his back?

People like him need honesty and reassurance, to be made to feel that he can trust you with absolutely anything, not lying and sneaking around behind his back.

I completely believe you didn't cheat, and so probably does he deep down. He's probably just upset that you weren't honest with him.

Apologise to him, take him somewhere nice (or cook him dinner!) explain everything and he will come round. Then next time tell your ex that you're happy to meet up for dinner and he can meet your boyfriend too.

podperson

I think you should have told him but then the fact you didn't seems to be a symtom of other problems in your relationship.

Yes, it does sound like he's over-reacted and is overly jealous and possesive in the relationship - that's an issue that needs to be addressed if you're going to survive long term. But then you met up with your ex without telling him when you knew that it would upset him if he found out. Trying to think of it from the other side - if you found out he'd met up with one of his ex's and hid it from you then would you be ok with that or would you worry about why he'd hidden it and whether that meant something suspicious was going on? It works both ways - you can't complain about how he doesn't trust you if you're hiding things from him.

thorsoak

Because you did not tell him, he immediately suspects that something happened...put yourself in your shoes - wouldn't you do the same?

You've given a reason as to why you met up with your ex - after your OH found out. You didn't give this reason in the first paragraph of your post, did you?

If your explanation is the truth, take your OH into your confidence and then you will have to hope that he accepts it as a valid reason.

Why did you break up with your ex in the first place??

ellie99

Yes, it was a mistake not to tell him in advance, even if you thought he would react badly. I would be worried about why he's now decided exactly what's happened, even though you keep telling him he's got it all wrong.
I had a partner who used to "joke" about me fancying other people, he was always wrong, and it hurt that he didn't trust me enough. If he got an idea in his head, there was no arguing with him, even when he was totally wrong. It's thanks to him that I now know what a narcissist is.
please - think about all aspects of your relationship and make sure he considers your feelings too, before you decide what to do.