Separated, how much should I provide?

RAS

JackRS wrote: »

Had my 6 month review with my boss a couple of weeks back who's notice my performance has been affected, so I need to find the motivation from somewhere to get myself back on track.

I get upset most days especially when I get back to the rental and look at the mess my life is. I know not as bad as many and I know it's been my choice which I don't regret but it's depressing and I feel very sad. I've got support from friends and family and you guys so please don't worry I'm OK. However all that support doesn't change the facts and I feel myself getting weaker and wondering if I will really find happiness in the future. Just struggling to enjoy the things I used to and take any pleasure out of life. I guess this is to be expected with all the changes I've made, just need to let it take it's time. Christmas coming up and I'm off work for a week and half but it scares me. Lots of people and family asking me to join them but just don't want to. Maybe I'll get involved in some charity support and help those less fortunate than myself. Sorry you got me at a low moment and I've rambled as ever...

JackRS

You have not explained what triggered the final decision to terminate your marriage but I seem to recall you commenting that you had thought about it previously and tried to keep going because of the children?

Whatever the reasons (do not post), you are very brave. To do what is right when the personal consequences are difficult is a lot braver than you think at the moment. And to take full responsibility for your decision rather than blaming is rare.

Regarding Christmas, what are you folks doing? Could you spend a day or two with them as they are probably a bit worried about you.

Do do please go to the doctors and ask for support. First and foremost because you need it right now. Secondly because being too brave and not acknowledging your hurt makes it easier for your family and the courts to make decisions that ignore the real situation.

Alternatively is there any support that canbe accessed via work, if they are not one of the inductries that think stress is a weakness?

Take care.

And take the date and place of the court case out of your post.

JackRS

ampersand wrote: »

Jack - your post 991 completely reiterates and vindicates EVERY supportive, positive comment about you and your situation that has been written here.

Moving on from selective/skim reader newbie hobbyhorse[ thankyou duchy for an accurate rebuttal] I'm echoing gigervamp's ?

Have you had a copable weekend?
Have you sorted a shortlist of IMA's?
This week and next will fly with the time/input/research your legal advisors need for answers from you by then, in addition to your working week.

It may seem an irrelevance, but a slow cooker would be a good idea as we head into winter. It's so important that you eat well and prepping something simple, leaving it all day, knowing it's ready for you to come back to, is a sound move. Lots of spin-off benefits.
Starting the day with porridge is also good, frugal, healthy.
The old-style Board has hundreds of excellent recipes with simple basic steps. Even if food is currently no more than autopilot fuel, making and eating regular meals needs to become part of your routine, hopefully a pleasure.

Strength and courage, Jack.

Thanks yes got through the weekend. Actually had an offer on the house and spoke to the ex on the phone. In the end offer was retracted but discussed with ex about funding for training as I'd told my solicitor I thought we could discuss it directly rather than pay solicitor fees to discuss. I know some of you will think I'm mad to pay for ex's training but that's just who I am. I want her to be able to be self sufficient so if that means paying for training now then that's what I'll do.

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

JackRS

You have not explained what triggered the final decision to terminate your marriage but I seem to recall you commenting that you had thought about it previously and tried to keep going because of the children?

Whatever the reasons (do not post), you are very brave. To do what is right when the personal consequences are difficult is a lot braver than you think at the moment. And to take full responsibility for your decision rather than blaming is rare.

Regarding Christmas, what are you folks doing? Could you spend a day or two with them as they are probably a bit worried about you.

Do do please go to the doctors and ask for support. First and foremost because you need it right now. Secondly because being too brave and not acknowledging your hurt makes it easier for your family and the courts to make decisions that ignore the real situation.

Alternatively is there any support that canbe accessed via work, if they are not one of the inductries that think stress is a weakness?

Take care.

And take the date and place of the court case out of your post.

Thanks, well I think we all know it doesn't matter how PC a company is the individuals that make decisions will always consider mental health and stress related issues as a weakness and I it will always cloud their judgment unless you can demonstrate your performance to prove it has no effect.

Sorry yeah I know I should see dr spoke on the phone last week to get a letter covering my visits etc?

ampersand

Oh dear, Jack -
' I know some of you will think I'm mad to pay for ex's training but that's just who I am. '
None of us will be surprised to read that, but it is pointless unless you intend employing her. It is for a prospective employer to train your ex in the skills they require. Either she is without any potential to tempt one, in which case nothing you do will alter this, or she needs vocational guidance, if refusing to indicate a zone of interest to her, one befitting her abilities.

At this point she approaches colleges or firms or contacts, networking through her own wealthy parents maybe?

I'm seeing more Becky Sharp than Martha Lane-Fox.

I want her to be able to be self sufficient so if that means paying for training now then that's what I'll do.

The word is SELF-sufficient, Jack.

Look, good man, you will not be employing her.

In no way do I trivialise your marriage or children Jack, but you are not her Social worker. She seems well-equipped by personality to survive and make her well-armed way in the world.

I wish you could be looking to change work direction yourself, given your response to RAS's ? re: your current place- 'always consider mental health and stress related issues as a weakness and it will always cloud their judgment'.

I harp back to wishing this Thread be mandatory reading for Court proceedings.

Please, please take care. And porridge.

JackRS

ampersand wrote: »

Oh dear, Jack -
' I know some of you will think I'm mad to pay for ex's training but that's just who I am. '
None of us will be surprised to read that, but it is pointless unless you intend employing her. It is for a prospective employer to train your ex in the skills they require. Either she is without any potential to tempt one, in which case nothing you do will alter this, or she needs vocational guidance, if refusing to indicate a zone of interest to her, one befitting her abilities.

At this point she approaches colleges or firms or contacts, networking through her own wealthy parents maybe?

I'm seeing more Becky Sharp than Martha Lane-Fox.

I want her to be able to be self sufficient so if that means paying for training now then that's what I'll do.

The word is SELF-sufficient, Jack.

Look, good man, you will not be employing her.

In no way do I trivialise your marriage or children Jack, but you are not her Social worker. She seems well-equipped by personality to survive and make her well-armed way in the world.

I wish you could be looking to change work direction yourself, given your response to RAS's ? re: your current place- 'always consider mental health and stress related issues as a weakness and it will always cloud their judgment'.

I harp back to wishing this Thread be mandatory reading for Court proceedings.

Please, please take care. And porridge.

OK to qualify her previous full time employed roles were admin/secretarial at large international companies but her IT skills are out of date.. So the training is for Microsoft Office etc so she can apply for office type jobs.

RAS

JackRS wrote: »

OK to qualify her previous full time employed roles were admin/secretarial at large international companies but her IT skills are out of date.. So the training is for Microsoft Office etc so she can apply for office type jobs.

Personally I would think ECDL would be worth it although some providers suggest that the registration and test fees cost of princely sum of £140. Support sessions can cost a bit but there are some free or very low cost ones which could be access if she was regsitered for JSA or ESA!

Lunar_Eclipse

This thread has really made me realise that we all come from different experiences and at times, I've been gobsmacked at the different concepts of relationships, marriage and moral responsibility.

I totally understand where Jack is coming from on most things. It's exactly how I think I'd behave in the same situation, and how I think my husband would too (although I fully appreciate divorce can change people!)

It really doesn't matter what I think, but I believe Jack is doing the right thing in helping his wife on the road to independence. I'm quite shocked by some of the f**k her replies. Jack and his wife built a life together, and were married for a very long time. They will also always be connected through their children and any subsequent offspring. Is it so wrong to help her?

Mojisola

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Is it so wrong to help her?

It is wrong of her to expect Jack to give her so much money each month that he doesn't have any left for himself. She has deliberately not claimed benefits that she was entitled to while Jack has gone into debt trying to keep up with her demands.

RAS

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

It really doesn't matter what I think, but I believe Jack is doing the right thing in helping his wife on the road to independence. I'm quite shocked by some of the f**k her replies. Jack and his wife built a life together, and were married for a very long time. They will also always be connected through their children and any subsequent offspring. Is it so wrong to help her?

If his wife wants help to gain independence, then I am all for it.

What she has stated she wants is to be maintained in the style to which she is accustomed, specifically:

1. The whole value of the (mortgage free) house
2. The full value of JackRS' pension fund (she has her own as well)
3. Life-time spousal maintenance
4. All legal costs
5. A lease car @ £206 PCM
6. All the furniture in the house (he was eventually allowed a sofa and I think the smaller TV)

Her recent demands for interim maintenance would have left him £400 with which to pay nearly £300 per month of repayments on the credit card debt, rent, travel to work costs, rent, food etc.

supersaver2

I really admire you Jack and have been following this thread for a few months after reading it for a few hours one night!

You are a better man than me! I can fully understand you wanting to help your ex but has she no self respect and willingness to stand on her own 2 feet?