Back and Feeling rather ashamed!

hypno06

Pop over when you are ready, hun. Drive carefully x

blackangeluk

Hi P

Sorry to catch up on your not so good news. I have read all the posts and the fantastic advice given.

My opinion (and it is only mine!) is that if you are looking to spend the rest of your lives together then you need to deal with this together. BUT this does not mean you bale (sp?) him out all the time. Can you not open a bank account where all the food money goes etc so that you are not paying out when he runs out of money - if it all goes into there at the beginning of the month then he hasn't got the opportunity to spend it. Sit down with him and set a budget, work out what you need from him for food, household stuff etc and the rest is his - maybe suggest he takes out a set amount each week and once its gone its gone. You do not bale him out, as long as you both have enough for food and to pay the bills he has to learn to survive on what he has.

I know you don't want to pool all your money as you feel that you need to pay your debts back as you incurred them, however this doesn't mean that you should pay for all the food etc because you feel bad that you are in debt.

I would seriously reconsider the house option. I know there was a post recently asking me if there was something I regretted and my response was, being in debt when I bought my house. I appreciate what you are saying re the secured loan, but there is always the danger of house prices falling, interest rates, the unexpected happening and falling back into debt again. Maybe take a rain check in 12 months time when you have worked through this difficult period? There is no real guarantee that you could secure further monies on the house and if you found that you couldn't then the position would be even more difficult.

I really really hope this is the new chapter you can start with OH, maybe set each other some financial ground rules and stick to them. Most of all, make him see that he needs to set money aside for your joint priorities and then you can tackle the other spending issues.

Hope I haven't sounded too harsh, will be on gmail if you want to *chat*

pania

hey karma, attempt mark 3 at posting as my computer keeps chucking me off the site!!
No need for apologies you've just given me a swift kick up the backside actually. I never realised that i was mentioning him so much in my posts.
I think the reason is that as we live together and i am so far from home and family/friends He is the focus of my life. As such our antics together or his alone get commented on frequently. Note to self, leave OH alone!

Have been thinking about closing this thread down and starting a new one, mainly due to the title. Need a nice sunny shiney positive looking ahead not back diary. Now we both know exactly the situation we can move forwards together without looking back. supporting each other not leaning on each other IYSWIM. I know what you mean about the children falling off the bike, except i chose horses, much bigger, stronger and harder to stop than bikes. And i frequently broke myself in the process!! My poor mother must've had kittens but still she let me do it. (one particularly memorable occasion involves a ditch, a field, 2x arm fractures and an air ambulance!)
So maybe he needs to have the stabilisers removed, wobble along, maybe fall off then get a cuddle when he does.

We both want to go travelling
We both (ok, I) want to go back to NZ
We both want to buy a house together.

Hows that for goals to aim for!

pania

Not harsh at all. Is amazing how being so close to a situation tunnels your vision and from outside perspectives, that are much further away and so can see the whole picture you realise that there is so much to do differently.

pania

PS am on Gmail. x

ZTD

Seaxwyn wrote: »

ZTD makes some good points. But its also true that when you're in a relationship, you can't let one person drown without taking the other person under.

Well I wasn't suggesting letting him drown as in still water - no bubbles. It was more a case of lots of thrashing, lots of bubbles, lots of swallowed water then a rescuing arm goes in and the question asked: "Are you taking this seriously now?"

Seaxwyn wrote: »

For example Pania has mentioned that she and her OH want to buy a house together. Well they can't do that if his credit rating is totally shot, can they?

To quote:

Pania wrote:

I have supported and paid his way so much over the last few months to the detriment of my own debt payments and have just matched betted £100 for him to give him £150 return which i couldn't afford to do and have skinted myself for this month in the process. I just don't know what else to do to help him and keep myself afloat at same time.

It is possible for her to buy a house on her own. It is not possible if he kills both their credit ratings.

The basic upshot of it is: Bailing him out is not working - so try something else.

Uniscots97

Hi Pania, just catching up with the thread since so much has happened. Hope you're ok.

ZTD

I'm replying to this because it so full of good ideas, but it is directed at Pania.

blackangeluk wrote: »

Hi P

Sorry to catch up on your not so good news. I have read all the posts and the fantastic advice given.

My opinion (and it is only mine!) is that if you are looking to spend the rest of your lives together then you need to deal with this together. BUT this does not mean you bale (sp?) him out all the time.

It's not just your opinion - it's mine too.

BTW I *think* it's "bail"...

blackangeluk wrote: »

Can you not open a bank account where all the food money goes etc so that you are not paying out when he runs out of money - if it all goes into there at the beginning of the month then he hasn't got the opportunity to spend it.

Make sure this is a basic bank account with no credit facilities. Otherwise you will be liable for debt he racks up. Not half the debt - all of it.

Also have a contingency for when he doesn't pay into it.Not getting fed for example. Sounds harsh, but it focuses minds.

blackangeluk wrote: »

Sit down with him and set a budget, work out what you need from him for food, household stuff etc and the rest is his - maybe suggest he takes out a set amount each week and once its gone its gone. You do not bale him out, as long as you both have enough for food and to pay the bills he has to learn to survive on what he has.

Exactly.

blackangeluk wrote: »

I would seriously reconsider the house option. I know there was a post recently asking me if there was something I regretted and my response was, being in debt when I bought my house. I appreciate what you are saying re the secured loan, but there is always the danger of house prices falling, interest rates, the unexpected happening and falling back into debt again. Maybe take a rain check in 12 months time when you have worked through this difficult period? There is no real guarantee that you could secure further monies on the house and if you found that you couldn't then the position would be even more difficult.

The idea of buying a house is (IMHO) a bad one. Houses are very expensive - not just the mortgage, but buildings insurance, and fixing broke and worn out stuff especially.

blackangeluk wrote: »

I really really hope this is the new chapter you can start with OH, maybe set each other some financial ground rules and stick to them. Most of all, make him see that he needs to set money aside for your joint priorities and then you can tackle the other spending issues.

I think that's a really good idea.

blackangeluk

BTW I *think* it's "bail"...

God help me I'm a Solicitor and have today varied someone's bail conditions as well - definately a dumb moment :rotfl:

ZTD

blackangeluk wrote: »

God help me I'm a Solicitor and have today varied someone's bail conditions as well - definately a dumb moment :rotfl:

Well I'm not sure if it's "Bail out" as in giving payment to keep someone out of jail - or "Bail out" as in to empty a vessel (like a lifeboat) of liquid (like the sea).

There's also bale (as in make little haystacks) but it's probably not that...