sister feud

meritaten

I am not sure I am going to post this. I just need to talk about it.
I have just been told my aunt has Cancer. this is an aunt I used to be very close to - until my mother had a row with her and they haven't spoken in years.
Aunt has a very nasty aggressive form of cancer and although for my mothers sake I have had very little contact with her for the last 14/15 years I feel gutted. really upset. when aunt and I have met we are cordial - but my loyalty to mum means that I haven't gone out of my way to meet her and we exchange Christmas cards and that's it.
The thing is - I feel mum is mostly to blame for the row and she has been told of her sisters cancer' and her attitude is 'I don't care'.
Well I do, I am really upset and want to go see Aunt. I live in a small place and I know it will get back to mum if I go see Aunty. Right now I feel I want to see aunt and support her - but if it gets back to mum (which it will) mum is going to go ballistic.
feel as if I am caught between the rock and hard place. mum is very down on me anyway and me seeing aunt could cause real problems - what do I do? I know what I want to do, but, my loyalties are divided here.

UPDATE page 3

thorsoak

Go with your instinct - if you want to go and see your aunt, then go - she only has a short time to live, and if you don't go and see her, it will be a constant regret to you, and may in time come between you and your mother.

If your mother does "go ballistic" you have time to make it up with her - but you don't have that time for your aunt.

It's always sad when family fueds end like this

elsien

I'd probably tend towards the "go and see her" point of view as well. I do know how difficult it is when you have a serious falling out with close family, but purely from my own point of view, I dislike being controlled by said relative even more.
If you do decide to go though, it would probably be better if you could find a way to let your mother know without it getting back via the village grapevine.

mountainofdebt

Meritaten

I know a valley mum can more scary than any army but what do you want to do ?

I never had you down as one to shy away from doing what you felt was right / wanted to do

TJH_2

As above, follow your instinct, go see your aunt, do you think you mum wants to see her sister but is scared of losing face?

meritaten

I just feel torn in two - mum and I don't have the best of relationships, but she IS my mother and I feel I should be loyal to her. Yet my aunt is quite close in age to me and we were VERY close. I don't know what to do - I want to visit aunt, I love her and am very upset that she is so ill. but mum will be furious with me. our relationship isn't the best and I don't want to upset her. whatever I do I think will be wrong. I am going to upset someone.

meritaten

TJH wrote: »

As above, follow your instinct, go see your aunt, do you think you mum wants to see her sister but is scared of losing face?

no - mum is very sure she is 'right'. and she was not particularly upset when told of her sisters illness.

paulineb_2

If you dont go and your aunt dies be prepared to feel very guilty that you didnt, its a natural human reaction. At times like this arguments shouldnt matter.

valk_scot

How old are you? If you're nearly an adult or older I'd say it has nothing to do with your mum if you choose to go and see your aunt, you're old enough to know your own mind. And if your mum goes ballistic well, tbh it's not her place to tell another adult what to do, daughter or not. Go and see your aunt, you can deal with your mum later.

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

I have just been told my aunt has Cancer. this is an aunt I used to be very close to - until my mother had a row with her and they haven't spoken in years.

Aunt has a very nasty aggressive form of cancer and although for my mothers sake I have had very little contact with her for the last 14/15 years I feel gutted. really upset. when aunt and I have met we are cordial - but my loyalty to mum means that I haven't gone out of my way to meet her and we exchange Christmas cards and that's it.

The thing is - I feel mum is mostly to blame for the row and she has been told of her sisters cancer' and her attitude is 'I don't care'.

Well I do, I am really upset and want to go see Aunt. I live in a small place and I know it will get back to mum if I go see Aunty. Right now I feel I want to see aunt and support her - but if it gets back to mum (which it will) mum is going to go ballistic.

feel as if I am caught between the rock and hard place. mum is very down on me anyway and me seeing aunt could cause real problems - what do I do? I know what I want to do, but, my loyalties are divided here.

I would have to go and see Aunt and do all I could to help her.

If Mum went ballistic, I would say "You rowed with her, I didn't. Do you want to start a feud with me over it?"

warehouse

You're a grown up not Mummies little girl anymore. Do the right thing and go and see your Aunt. If it upsets your Mum to the point where she won't speak to you then it's just absolutely pathetic and she needs to grow up.

Do it this weekend.