sister feud

gibson123

Meritatin, so sorry to hear about your aunt. I understand totally, your Mum sounds like an emotional bully, but she is not going to change her behaviour. Go see your aunt and stand up to your Mum, even if that means roughshod over her wishes. My friend has a Mum like yours, I once overheard her on the phone saying "what do you mean you don't want to see me any more, don't be daft I'll be there next Saturday" she then explained it is the only way to handle her Mum, i.e. if she tried the emotional bullying just ignore her and continue like it never happened. As a strategy it works, it's a bit like kids and tantrums! I always say that you may always love your family, but it doesn't mean you have to like them or do what they tell you!

meritaten

I would say mum is more a 'control freak' - she doesn't bully out of unkindness - in fact its the opposite! She thinks she know best! and we should always do as she says because SHE is the mother! honestly, mum is NEVER wrong in her eyes. she also doesn't see the irony in her saying blood is thicker than water when she cut her baby sister out of her life (without saying too much - this was precisely the issue they fell out about!), then expecting me to ignore aunt in favour of her. BTW - I hadn't ignored aunt at all - I just didn't go out of my way to see her. Relations between us are friendly but strained cos of mum. we both are afraid of saying the wrong thing I think.
still - I am still trying to get up the nerve to go see her - but its because I am told that the treatment has left her severely disfigured and she was a very stunning looking woman - at nearly seventy she easily passed for fifty. I am scared I wont be able to hide my distress - and dammit I worked for years for a cancer charity and seen this before!

Pollycat

meritaten wrote: »

I would say mum is more a 'control freak'

I suspected as much from what you said in your posts.

meritaten wrote: »

I am still trying to get up the nerve to go see her - but its because I am told that the treatment has left her severely disfigured and she was a very stunning looking woman - at nearly seventy she easily passed for fifty. I am scared I wont be able to hide my distress - and dammit I worked for years for a cancer charity and seen this before!

I understand how you feel but if your aunt is really ill don't delay too long and then regret it.
I'm sure the bitter-sweet feelings you'll both have when you meet will cover up any shock you may have over your aunt's appearance.

Good luck

Yorkie1

How did it go today, Meritaten? Hope she was pleased to see you and that you were OK.

meritaten

I didn't go - I phoned this morning and this afternoon to check she is up to visitors and there was no reply.
actually, I think that's good, as I feel much calmer this evening. my bro is more in touch with them so will ring him later and check she hasn't gone into hospital or anything. or they may just have gone out for the day? or staying with her best friends? could be any number of reasons no-one answered the phone.

patmelia

To put the other side across......
I had a row with my sister almost two years ago, she had accused me of some really awful things concerning our father who had just passed away. She was/is completely wrong in her beliefs and even though I tried to tell her that, she wouldn't listen. The fact is, she was more concerned about how much money he had left (or hadn't) in his estate than him - she hadn't had ANY relationship with him prior to his death for at least 30 years and I had done everything for him as he had been housebound.
I will NEVER forgive my sister for the way she has treated me (and my children) but don't blame her children. What upsets me most of all is that I have lost contact with them - Especially the eldest who is an adult - she chooses not to see me, the children don't really have a say.

Your aunt will probably be over the moon to see you - I know I would if it was me.......

meritaten

thank you patmelia. I DO understand that families fall out! heaven knows that I cannot forgive my SIL and BIL for things which happened years ago - but, my OHs brothers disowned them too.

should have updated sorry! my bro isn't sure why there is no one answering the phone - but we think she is probably staying with friends for some R&R before her next operation. I've posted a 'so sorry to hear you are ill' card through the letterbox, with a note asking my uncle to let me know if aunt is up to visitors when they get back.

meritaten

UPDATE
spoke to uncle on phone today and was told that she is definitely NOT seeing visitors. as she is very conscious of the facial disfigurement. I can understand that. I asked if I could phone in a few days to see how she is and he agreed to that.
She is due to have more surgery in the next few days so I think I will just phone for updates then have some flowers sent when she returns home.
Can't do much else can I?

pavlovs_dog

hope you feel at peace with your decision to get in touch meritaten xx

meritaten

Don't take this the wrong way - but, I know my brother visits often. my mum knows too - she has told me quite a few times in the last few months that she knows bro has visited her sis, and she had got the tea things out thinking he would call in, but, he hasn't. If Aunt doesn't want to see me, I can understand and indeed I am grateful that Uncle has said I can phone for updates.
oh well, I will keep in touch and hope that one day she will let me visit. It is entirely up to her.
I really must speak to my bro about mum knowing about his visits though - especially as they seem to be getting more frequent - she is very hurt that he doesn't come to see her too.