sister feud

Person_one

Go and see your aunt. She'll be delighted and you'll be glad you did.

Your mum will either get over it or she won't. I expect she probably will but if she doesn't, well she'll have shown her true colours and you might have to rethink how you feel about her.

scaredy_cat

which would you regret more - not seeing your aunt and she dies not knowing how you feel about her, or upsetting your mum and having to reconcile with her?

meritaten

Mojisola wrote: »

I would have to go and see Aunt and do all I could to help her.

If Mum went ballistic, I would say "You rowed with her, I didn't. Do you want to start a feud with me over it?"

Yes - you are right and that is the attitude my brother took - who told me about aunts cancer.
I will go to see her - because that is the right thing to do. I want to see her and help if I can. if mum doesn't like it then, I will deal with it. which isn't going to be easy as mum can pile on the guilt.

exarmydreamer

I've only just started talking to my sister, at arms length after 3 yrs of not speaking. I'd say we are to similar and this was the problem.

It would be quite a mistake not to see your aunt as time is a precious thing and so are family and friends. Can you make contact with her and arrange to meet up maybe somewhere else so the local gossips can leave you both in peace. Not so much a secret meeting but a neutral space, like a coffee shop in the next town.

Are you the only connection between your mother and aunt?, are there any other family?. I agree with the other posters, you will have to go with your feelings and prepare for your mother reaction. She may think you are being disloyal, why not try to write your mum a note explain how you feel about the situation and gauge her reaction.

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

Yes - you are right and that is the attitude my brother took - who told me about aunts cancer.
I will go to see her - because that is the right thing to do. I want to see her and help if I can. if mum doesn't like it then, I will deal with it. which isn't going to be easy as mum can pile on the guilt.

If she starts this, reduce the time you spend with her or tell her upfront "I have made my own decision - I'm not going against you, I'm doing what I feel is right. Please don't raise the subject again." If she does, change the subject or walk away.

She may well feel very guilty herself at having lost those years with her sister and will try to make you feel bad in order to make herself feel better. Don't take it on - hand it right back to her. It's one thing to have issues with other people yourself - it's just controlling to make everyone else go along with you.

meritaten

its difficult - mum is 80 and her sister is nearly 70. and the nature of the cancer means aunt is housebound. I hate to say this, but mum is very unforgiving - she can cut you out of her life if you go against her - and she doesn't really like me anyway as I am not one to mince words.

!!!!!! it - I will go see aunt and if I can help her I will. If mum doesn't like it - so be it (bro and I agree on that).

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

its difficult - mum is 80 and her sister is nearly 70. and the nature of the cancer means aunt is housebound. I hate to say this, but mum is very unforgiving - she can cut you out of her life if you go against her - and she doesn't really like me anyway as I am not one to mince words.

!!!!!! it - I will go see aunt and if I can help her I will. If mum doesn't like it - so be it (bro and I agree on that).

It's going to be a tough time for you. Garner all the support you can - grief can really knock you sideways. I think I'm only just coming out of the fog that I went into after Mum died suddenly last year. Be kind to yourself and, if that means avoiding your Mum for a while, so be it.

meritaten

scaredy_cat wrote: »

which would you regret more - not seeing your aunt and she dies not knowing how you feel about her, or upsetting your mum and having to reconcile with her?

you cant reconcile with my mother. not unless you grovel and say she was in the right. and even then she wouldn't trust you.

ttc39

I agree with other posters op, but I know it will be a struggle.

I'm the same with my folks - would not want to "go against them" but in this instance I would x

3v3

meritaten wrote: »

... I don't know what to do -

- I want to visit aunt, I love her and am very upset that she is so ill. but mum will be furious with me. our relationship isn't the best and I don't want to upset her. whatever I do I think will be wrong. I am going to upset someone.

And there is your answer.

That is precisely what you say to your mother, now, today. And while she is taking that in, you go and see your Aunt.

By being up front with your mother about going to visit your Aunt, it is one less thing for her to get upset about with you.

Yes, you will inevitably upset someone, but that's a fact of life: you can't please everyone.

I am so sorry to hear about your Aunt's condition; I do hope she is kept pain free. And I'm really sorry to hear what you are facing. ((Good luck))