Can't decide whether to have kids or not

garybarlowsbeard

Cheers everyone!

To add a bit of info, we're 33/34 and up until maybe 3 years ago we were pretty sure we didnt want kids but had never ruled it out. We've gradually been coming more round to thinking we wopuld want them but dont have an overwhelming urge, nor total conviction it would be a good idea.

I agree with what someone has said about many people just rushing in, having kids because it is the done thing and then being surprised it's hard work. We're just trying to be very careful we make the right decision.

jtr2803

I think I meet your criteria.....

I wish that I hadn't proceeded with my pregnancy. My situation is probably somewhat different to yours in that I was very young but I'm not a good parent, ie - I'm not very hands on, in fact, I'm the non residential parent and that was one of the reasons (others were purely circumstantial). I love my daughter and would protect her with my life and I am incredibly lucky that she has grown up just fine and knows that we all love her, despite our unusual circumstances but parenthood was not something that came naturally to me and it's not something I grew into either.

Having been through it all once already I know that my fiance and I will not be having children together, we have talked about it and wavered at times but we look at our life together, what we have achieved and what we would lose by having children and have realised that it's not for us. I like my sleep, I like my foreign holidays and my new car, I like having someone come and massage me every month and I like being able to pop off for dinner whenever we fancy it. I am really not interested in postman pat, the teletubbies or whatever else it is that children are in to. I just cannot relate to them and struggle to even be around them for more than 5 minutes....I think some people are just built that way?

I think the poster that said if you can't decide then you probably aren't ready. It's the biggest change you can ever imagine and it can stretch your relationship to the max (mine didn't survive).

meritaten

If you don't feel the urge to have kids and just want them to 'conform' - then don't. If it happens anyway and you are over the moon - then its congratulations.

heartbreak_star

red_devil wrote: »

dont you think you might miss going shopping with your daughter when your older though or similar or having her and her family round for tea!

what about christmas.

Shopping? Tea? That's what I have friends for.

Christmas? What about it? If I'll be on my own I'll quite happily volunteer as an extra pair of hands in a hostel or a care home. Done it before and will happily do it again.

EDIT: I also note people seem to think your kids will love you unconditionally for ever and ever. I think from some of the situations I've seen, don't assume this is the case.

HBS x

Person_one

red_devil wrote: »

dont you think you might miss going shopping with your daughter when your older though or similar or having her and her family round for tea!

what about christmas.

Those are pretty trivial reasons to bring an actual human life into existence.

notanewuser

red_devil wrote: »

dont you think you might miss going shopping with your daughter when your older though or similar or having her and her family round for tea!

what about christmas.

I don't know anybody that does this.

And not everybody gets a daughter. My MIL has 4 boys!

Cinny91

I don't know if this will be any help but my OH and I are in our early/mid twenties and after lots of talk last Summer decided we wanted to start trying to start a family. For the first few months we were kind of obsessed, but nothing happened. We're now sat 9 months down the line and we're a lot more relaxed about it. We're happy where we are in life and have plans - getting debt free, buying a house outright, places we want to travel to. And we'd be happy with a child too, and will happily change our plans - putting debt payments off to save for the baby, settle on a mortgage, find child friendly ways to go where we want - if I were to fall pregnant.

I guess we're in the state of "it will happen when/if it's meant to" we'd like kids, I think OH would make a great Dad, but equally if kids just aren't meant to be for us, I can look at my OH and feel perfectly content with it just being us two.. with the odd dog thrown in.

As for the comment of getting old with no children, there's a woman who lives across the road from my Grandparents who was married (her husband passed away years ago) with no children. She's by no means short of friendship or love in any way. She grew family-like bonds with her friends and neighbours and although she is getting overly forgetful, the whole street pulls together to make sure she's safe and not being forced into a home. She spends Christmas by herself (by choice, she gets upteen invites out!) and is perfectly happy, although she's very much an introvert and likes her own company.

monkeychops

Over the years I have met many women who say that although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would not have any.

I think even today couples have children without really thinking about because "it's what you do", whereas couples who choose not to have children have usually thought long and hard about the decision.

Me and OH chose not to have children for many reasons. I have lost count of how many people have told us that we are selfish, not normal, will be lonely when old if one dies before the other, will regret not having children etc.

We are now both almost 60 and have no regrets about our choice. I do occasionally worry that if OH dies before me I will be lonely - I have family but not many friends but you can't have children to stop you being lonely. A child can die before you or emigrate to the other side of the world. Also I know plenty of people who fall out with their children/parents. OH has not seen or spoken to his mum for years

red_devil

Person_one wrote: »

Those are pretty trivial reasons to bring an actual human life into existence.

im not sure it is, you have children because you want a family and family means getting something back when the children are older. Doing family things, family days out etc.

Friends i dont think can be relied on in exactly the same way.

red_devil

i must admit one thing i dont understand is when women are pregnant within five minutes of meeting someone. You cant possibly know in such a short space of time whether you want kids with them.

you see it often when a couple split up and one of the couples gets with someone else, and is then pregnant why not have some time with out kids first and really see if you are good together.

i think some people briing a child into the world far too quickly.