Can't decide whether to have kids or not

marisco_2

garybarlowsbeard wrote: »

We're not sure whether we want kids. Neither of us have any real urge but we are feeling more and more like we might want to.

For me the decision to have children with someone is the biggest commitment you can make with them. Not something I could take lightly, so it took me a long time to feel ready to be a parent.

In truth nothing anyone can say on here can truly prepare you for what it would be like to become a parent yourself. To be completely honest with you it is the most amazing, exhausting, life enhancing, draining, exciting, worrying, incredible and expensive journey you will ever make in life. Dont do it till you want it 100% because to raise a child positively in a loving and stable environment that is what it takes. Emotionally and physically.

What you invest in this new little person who will turn your life upside down (at least initially until you adjust to this new lifestyle), change your perspectives and alter your priorities you will have returned tenfold. The joy that having a child can bring is something that money simply cant buy.

The second your child is born you lose the 'it is all about us' lifestyle. Gone is the sleep let alone a lie in, the easy spontaneity of life, getting out the door quickly, having a tidy house and sittting down and having five minutes peace. In fact doing anything in peace from having dinner, lazing in the bath even going to the loo becomes a distant memory. Though they grow out of that eventually

A friend once said to me that having children is life changing, but very much for the better. I would say I agree with this, but you will only feel that way yourself when you are ready to do this, rather than feeling it is something you may want to do. Think it through carefully, do it when you feel ready and you will love it. Rush into it unsure and you risk regretting it.

BugglyB your post made me laugh.

ruby-roo_2

Alikay wrote: »

If you need to ask strangers on a forum what the benefits of having children are, perhaps you're just not ready for them, and maybe you never will be.

I agree with this. Dont do it till you are sure. Otherwise what should be the best decision of your life, will feel like the worst.

heartbreak_star

I know I never want children. I am with the love of my life, and he doesn't want children either. So we are very careful with contraception and if I did become pregnant I would terminate.

OP, ask yourself what would happen if you or your partner accidentally became pregnant. If you don't know the answer for sure, or you answer "panic" you're probably not ready.

HBS x

sassyblue

garybarlowsbeard wrote: »

We're not sure whether we want kids. Neither of us have any real urge but we are feeling more and more like we might want to. Everyone always says how great it is but is never unequivocal - it always comes with a warnoing about being hard work, changing your life, stressful, expensive etc. But at the same time, nobody ever says "Don't do it, I wish I hadn't".

That is indeed the strangest thing about children they ARE hard work and at times you could quite cheerfully tear your own hair out in frustration BUT to see the world through their eyes and help them learn and grow is a wonderful experience.

I could have written your post 15 years ago, once we decided to go ahead it took us 8 years but l thank God every day for the chance to be a mum.

My health visitor said to me before he was born 'it's a whole new world opening up for you now and it's wonderful' and she was so right. I enjoy everything about being a mum and family life, the bad bits always pass like everything in life.

Sounds like you are not quite ready yet OP if these worries outweigh the urge too much.

Kayalana99

I was always 50/50. Didn't really want kids tbh but when my OH came along and wanted one and I guess I just didnt say no. I was unsure all the way through my prenancy even though I could never have terminated one anyway so it was abit to late.

The first day he was here I was worried, he felt like a little stranger, but I didnt feel that connection.

On the third day he was asleep in his cot, and I was just so overwhelmed with love I was absoulty shattered but couldnt sleep because of it. Thier's a time when I met my partner I was so 'in love' with him and I was on the top of the world constantly...then you get into a routine and yes I still love him but you think your never going to feel that way again..and then I had my little baby boy, and he might be stressful at times but I never regret it, and I have another one on the way :-)

I shall stop going on now!!

chrisv24

To me, its a massive decision to have kids. If you aren't 100% sure you want them right now I would say that you arent ready. However, maybe you will be in a couple of years.

notanewuser

I wasn't sure for years, whereas OH was. It's not something you can compromise on. We ended up leaving it to fate. I was pregnant within the month and now have a 2.5 year old that is the sunshine of our lives. It is hard work, but when she's tucked up in bed and whispers "love you mummy" my heart melts. :heartpuls

Lifeforms

Is there a time where you/anyone will ever be ready and right to have kids?
Saying to wait till the right time seems wrong. IMO there will never be a right time. The car needs it's service, can't get pregnant now, we need to move, can't get pregnant now, the cat needs to go to its vet appointment, can't get pregnant now.

When you are young, free, and careless sometimes catching, deliberately, or not, is beneficial as you don't have 10 years of work, life, home behind you. at maybe 30 you do, and you have responsibilities ahead (outside of a potential child) paying the bills, saving, mortgage etc. There is no way that having a child does not put stress or financial burdens on anyone, but as is heard, you cope with them, you adapt.

I guess you have to say for the next 18 years of my life can I come second best to my child. If you can accept that, if you can accept that you can't just do something on a whim, if you can accept that your future earnings will be mostly intended to provide for your children, then do it. Doesn't matter if it doesn't seem "right".

I doubt a mother who has a child, again accidentally, or not, will stop putting their child first. UNLESS there is a parenting issue to begin with, then I doubt such a person would be asking is it right on such a forum.

I don't want kids, I don't see my future with children at all. I have a nephew who I love, but every time I go there, whilst I have a fabulous time sharing in their family life, it makes me see that I just like the nice bits. I don't want the nasty bits, the stinky bits, the screamy bits. Of course I will do it for them if they ask, but for me it's a nice trip away, with my lovely nephew, and SIL, and Bro. But it's a holiday that always ends. I can pass back when he's inconsolable, and walk off.

For me getting pregnant, whilst not possible at all now, would've been a life ender, and an unfair life starter for the child in question. When I think what It'd feel like, if I were pregnant; I couldn't match any of the sheer joy that I felt for my SIL and Bro when they announced it.

make_me_wise

My husband and I were undecided for a long time about having children. Then when we decided it was what we wanted it didn't happen, s*ds law and all that!

So after two years I finally fell pregnant and we were over the moon. Felt 100% ready to bring a baby into our lives. It came as an almighty shock when we were told at the 12 week scan that we had hit the jackpot and were expecting twins.

Overjoyed, scared sh!tless all rolled into one. It has been life changing to say the least but we love it. If you are not sure at the moment then give it some more time. Children are a blessing but a huge and overwhelming responsibility at times. Not for the fainthearted

marisco_2

make_me_wise wrote: »

It came as an almighty shock when we were told at the 12 week scan that we had hit the jackpot and were expecting twins.

Were there twins on either side of your families? Twins hadn't jumped a generation since my great grandmother. So I grew up accepting that there was always the possibility I could fall pregnant with twins myself. Partly the reason why I held off having children till my late 20s.

I was rather relieved to find out at my 12 week scan that I was expecting one baby. He was more than enough to cope with on our introduction to parenthood. I have huge respect for people who have multiples as their firsts.