Can't decide whether to have kids or not

amancalledmartin

I have also believed for very many years that I am too selfish to have children. I may well be right! I have also said for over 30 years that I never wanted kids and got furious when everyone would say "Oh, you'll change your mind". Trouble is, I now find I am changing my mind! Oh, how I hate to proved wrong....!

heartbreak_star

red_devil wrote: »

i met a lady recently who said she didnt want children she was too selfish and you had to be unselfish to be a parent.

The thing is if you dont have children there is nothing back when they are grown up is there? No visiting, no grandchildren, no holidays together. Just no family really and you find most others have.

First part - she's right. I like my life the way it is and don't want kids to spoil it.

Second part - on the flip side, you shouldn't have kids just so you've got something to do when you're old

HBS x

red_devil

dont you think you might miss going shopping with your daughter when your older though or similar or having her and her family round for tea!

what about christmas.

JellyBox

My mum doesn't go shopping with me, so she probably misses that, pity she couldn't have only popped out a daughter to give her those experiences. Also on Christmas, we regularly had people round our family table who would otherwise be alone, you are certainly not supposed to fit 11 or 12 people round a 6 person table, but we did - don't forget that friends are the family we choose.

I have always wanted children, really struggle to understand how people could not, but totally accept that decision and would agree that if you're not sure if you want them, you probably don't, at least not yet.

garybarlowsbeard

view wrote: »

To put it very plainly, the thing you need to think about - when you're not able to have kids any more (ie: past the age/menopause etc..) will you regret it? As in you may be undecided now but imagine yourself (at whatever age you think is too old) and think about how you would feel having the decision taken away forever. If you're cool with that, (which many are and that's absolutely fine) then maybe it's not for you.

We've really struggled to to have children and am reaching end of 30's. My OH and I don't feel the huge urge that I've seen others experience, however, I don't want to rule out children in our future altogether as I know we would be great parents and want this.

Some people may say this is the wrong thing to say, but it's just my slant. They're expensive little creatures too! ;-)

That's an interesting point and is the alternative, in a sense, to the position I aslked about, but equally as interesting. With respect to the many people that have replied, the large masses of people who have kids, say it's hard work etc etc but they woulkdnt't change it for the world, dont interest me.

I want to hear from people who have been in the situation you have described - waited then regretted it when it's too late and the others who took the plunge and are honest enough to admit it was the wrong decision.

Hearing those experiences will help me, us, decide which camp we are more likely to fall into.

Ta

Person_one

I'm not going to have children because I just don't want them enough. Sometimes when I'm playing with my nieces or nephews, or babysitting my best friend's hilarious 4 year old, I do have a bit of a pang where I think it would be nice to have one that ran to me first and thought I was the centre of the world.

Then I think about the day to day mundane reality, the insanely huge responsibility, the many things that can go wrong, and I find that the desire disappears completely in the wave of panic and stress that starts to wash over me!

Personally I think its a million times better to regret not having children than to regret having them, and I think you need to completely 100% want them with no doubts to do a good job at raising them.

Well done for thinking it through rather than just doing what's expected of you OP. If more people actually thought it through and realised children aren't compulsory, the world would probably be a better place!

carla_004

My baby is ivf, and I sometimes wish I could go back in time ...

As people have said though it's social taboo to say certain things ...

x x

Toto

When I was pregnant with number 4 I really didn't want another baby. She was a surprise, total surprise after 11 years since number 3 was born. I remember visiting a friend who had just had a baby when I was about 35 weeks and looking at it thinking, I don't want one of these.

But she came, as they do, and she is the most wonderful little thing who has brought nothing but joy into our lives. We adore that little accident I love all of the kids dearly but if I could go back I would have them all later in life. I was in my 20s when 1 2 and 3 were born and late 30s when 4 came along. I'm so much more chilled and am enjoying it all so much more this time around.

Goldiegirl

I don't have children,

I am completely happy in my marriage, and have never felt the urge to have children.

I'm now at the age (53) where it's too late and do I regret it?

No.

I'm happy with my life and my husband and I have plans for the future.

I know people might say what about when one of you dies, or what about if you need looking after in your old age.

But having children as some sort of insurance policy for your old age is just the worst reason to have kids, it's just wrong.

We've made our bed, and we are happy to lie in it and make the best of our life.

meds12_2

Have them. Children are hard work, but the love you have for them puts the colour into your life (I know how lame that sounds!) I couldn't imagine my life without them, and can't remember much of my life beofre I had them either!