In hell: the B.W. Fox debt journal

B.W._Fox

Thanks Cate, I really need that right now.

Got out the door a little bit late too this morning. I need to make sure that the house is tidied up every night and that I'm ready to go in the morning.

What kills me is that my daughter wants to read books in the morning and I don't have time any more. Thinking about it makes me choke up.

B

catewithers

Foxy, maybe you should take a quick look at Dithering Dad's post, titled "Feel like crying..." He had a similar moment yesterday that made him question what he's doing. There's loads of good advice about making difficult choices between working to get debts paid off quicker but sacrificing time with children and family.

Can you make a deal with your daughter that you will read with her when you get home at night if you don't have time in the mornings?

I think it's also worth remembering that starting a new job is actually incredibly stressful - far more than we think. Be gentle with yourself while you adjust.

B.W._Fox

Storm wrote: »

This speaks volumes to me - if she turned down a better paid job and you supported her in this, then why has she been giving you such hard time about your job hunting?

Quality control? Maybe it was due to the lack of opportunities of late, maybe it was hormones.

At any rate I was bound to listen to what she had to say ... I do depend on her as much as she depends on me.

We'll see how it goes.

saffronflowers

Don't worry a fig about what the agent says - they probably got less commision - you need to hone your positive mental attitude skills!!!

Your daughter wont suffer, I promise. Parents sometime have to do what they have to do

SFx

B.W._Fox

Casperthefriendlyghost wrote: »

Hi B.W. Fox

I have just finished reading this thread and OMG! this is the most frustrating thread I have read in a long time. This is supposed to be a partnership, and it feels like to me like a war zone! Maybe I'm overreacting but it seems like you as constantly trying to compensate for something, trying to keep her happy, doing things to make her proud, doing things to keep the peace, bloody hell, when do you get to do what you want?

When you said you're giving up the triathlon training and competing I really despair. What have you got for yourself, and why are you the sole person giving up everything? It just seems unfair to me.

I am a woman and was in a relationship for 11 years, and married for 5 years of that. I was constantly compromising and giving in to keep the peace and it destroyed me and took a long time for me to get my self esteem back.

I'm not saying any of this applies to you but it just makes me desperately unhappy to read this as I always believe that things should be equal as I spent years being told what was mine and what was his, nothing was ever ours, even though I earned twice as much as he did. He even refused to pay for the groceries or any housekeeping, but I digress.

Sorry about this essay it wasn't intended as one, and please remind your wife that the NHS Pension is the best in the country and definately worth it.

Cheers
CTFG
x x x x

BTW Hope I haven't been harsh, I don't mean to be mean or harsh.

My wife used to fence competitively but had to give that up because of her knee. Now she's into furniture, which she hopes to turn into her next career, at a time when I don't have a career or at least a steady income stream to take over as primary wageholder.

I have been putting her well before myself lately. Before, I was doing these races and things without putting the money aside for holidays or Christmas, the future. I don't have a pension or savings. I've got a lot to make up for and half of my working life gone.

I am rebuilding my self-esteem. All the while I was feeding my own guilt - I was out doing 'fun stuff' and getting deeper in debt when she was working her butt off getting her Master's and getting promoted at work. I don't really feel deserving of 'fun stuff' now unless it involves her and my daughter.

If I keep this ball rolling then there's a real chance I can keep us moving in the right direction. 'It's our first step towards leaving London' really resonated with her.

A long way to go yet.

B.W._Fox

Imelda wrote: »

Hi B.W Fox

Glad to see you making so much progress!

You did the right thing with the job, a permanent one is so much better than temping, ok you'll have less cash in your pocket but the intangible benefits will make it more worthwhile in the long run. Also a regular wage makes planning so much easier.

Can you check with your employer regarding nursery vouchers? (I'm not sure if the NHS participate- I don't have kids and so am clueless in that area!)
Also season ticket loan- if you decide to bike part of the way an annual ticket will work out about 10/12's cheaper than buying monthly tickets alone (do check that you can take your bike at the times you are travelling).

Good luck!

I'll have to wait on vouchers, as I'm still technically with the agency for the next three months.

A season ticket loan would still be too expensive to pay back. I have checked with Southern rail and since it isn't the Victoria-Brighton line there's a good chance that I can get on with the bike ... although I haven't done a recce to see how crowded the train is. Probably will do that Friday when I have the option of taking it or riding back.

B.W._Fox

nevadagirl wrote: »

Hi there BWF,

Congratulations on your new job.

I work for the NHS and just wanted to confirm that most NHS organisations provide childcare vouchers, but the scheme varies from Trust to Trust/Board to Board. Your employer will almost certainly have a season ticket scheme for travel, and may even belong to a bike loan scheme, so if you ever need a new one, you might be able to get help from work. I can second the views expressed on the pension scheme too - sign up! They are excellent in terms of training and development, too. Your new employer should have a learning and development policy, have a good read of it once you get access. And when the baby comes, you get a good deal on paternity pay and can tap into flexible working policies, there may even be an option to do some of your work from home - saves on the cost of the commute too.

Just be aware of the current NHS pay restructuring if your employer hasn't been through that yet. If your employer is still on the old system, you may not be able to rely on your starting wage going up over time, or they may even end up being reduced. Another good reason (in my case) to get debt free before my wages are cut in 2009. :rolleyes:

The only drawback I can see is that you won't be able to post on here during the working day any more so hurry up and get that broadband

Well done, again.

Thanks for that very detailed post!

I will have to check on the pay restructure. The good thing with the way we are currently set up is that I could conceivably work from home. That would come in handy because I won't qualify for statutory paternity leave.

The bike loan might come in handy if I run the current one into the ground. Maybe a small loan for new wheels, although I'm looking to learn how to build my own. Maybe that could become a sideline for me too - rider supplies the hub and rim, I charge for spokes and labour. One wheel a week could be as much as £100/month. I better get good fast.

Back to work!

B

B.W._Fox

Seaxwyn wrote: »

Hi BW

You might be able to arrange a regular lift on https://www.surreycarshare.com

A friend of mine cycles from Croydon to Reigate five days a week - is that a comparable journey? - he loves it and also runs marathons etc etc

I've had a look already - a few near misses.

To bike to Reigate is about 15 minutes closer, I know quite a few shortcuts and each one as lovely as the last. I wouldn't mind a run ... and it is lunchtime ...

B.W._Fox

maryb wrote: »

I hesitate to post this - but please try not to be so scared your wife will leave you, she won't - you would be entitled to a share of the house (after all you have clearly been contributing over and above the amount you would expect given your respective earnings)

I don't say that to be unkind but it's clear that security is important to your wife and breaking up a marriage has huge financial consequences. Pregnancy is affecting her self control and she is lashing out but I'm sure she would not allow "everything she has built up" (I'm assuming she sees it that way) to be lost just because she gives way to irritability.

I really hope you are not offended - but I felt you sounded so down that you were getting things out of proportion, to start with anyway. Now that you are so much more positive don't let the inevitable setbacks push you back into despair

Thanks. Not offended in the slightest. I'm very wary of sliding into the pits, trying to avoid it. I'm really yo-yoing at the moment because I'm looking for portents of what this job is going to be like. I really should train myself to stop looking for omens and just get on with it.

Security is important. That's what I'm looking for as far as employment goes, and what she's got. But challenge is also important, and she's not challenged anymore, and the politics of her job are complicated.

I hope to never ever have to discuss who gets what half. That's such a horrid idea.

B

B.W._Fox

catewithers wrote: »

Foxy, maybe you should take a quick look at Dithering Dad's post, titled "Feel like crying..." He had a similar moment yesterday that made him question what he's doing. There's loads of good advice about making difficult choices between working to get debts paid off quicker but sacrificing time with children and family.

Can you make a deal with your daughter that you will read with her when you get home at night if you don't have time in the mornings?

I think it's also worth remembering that starting a new job is actually incredibly stressful - far more than we think. Be gentle with yourself while you adjust.

Puts my dithering in its place.

I do read to my daughter when we get back from the childminder's, so I guess that will have to do for now. I can set aside time on the weekends, too.

She knows that we work, but as for understanding why, I guess that takes time.