Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

southwester_2

Hi all

Well went to relate last night, we were both very nervous. We told the councellor what we both felt, debt problems, affair, sex problems etc. We told her that we both loved each other, although OH not in the way she wants to at the moment, this is hard to take, but that is the spark that we need to rekindle.

We have both agreed to more sessions although we are both unsure how it is going to go, we both want this to work, I suppose that is good, but OH needs to get spark back again. We talked and talked last night after the relate meeting which was good.

She is still finding it hard to look at me though and I am probably being to soft for my own good by consoling, I dont know, I am the hurt party here. Sometimes I get angry but not whilst she is there thinking about what has happened but I know that is not going to help.

I dont know do I leave so she knows what she has done,

Very confused!!

saffronflowers

SW - big hug honey - will post properly later as I am dashing out the door. Be thinking about you

SFx

southwester_2

Just got a car bill for £226.00, somehow doesnt seem so significant at it used to.

Shineyhappy

It seems to me that it is a good sign that you both agreed to go to more sessions. I hope you can both work things out- if thats what you both decide you want.

I guess it must be very hard for you dealing with her unfaithfulness and still wanting the relationship to work. I dont think that is the wrong decision but it is probably the hardest one you can make.

Best of luck with everything and a big hug from me!

Dithering_Dad

southwester wrote: »

Well went to relate last night, we were both very nervous. We told the councellor what we both felt, debt problems, affair, sex problems etc. We told her that we both loved each other, although OH not in the way she wants to at the moment, this is hard to take, but that is the spark that we need to rekindle.
....
I dont know do I leave so she knows what she has done

I don't think you should leave unless you intend leaving for good. If it's just a way to show how hurt you are then it will be counterproductive and could make things worse. However, you sound as though you are still in shock though (the confusion you feel at the moment where you are actually comforting your wife, when she is the guilty party shows this) so maybe it would be a good idea to perhaps spend a week/weekend away if you can - though making sure your wife knows the reason for it and that you will be coming back. You need to work through your feelings to make sure that you want to stay together.

Going to relate is a good step forward, and will obviously help if you both decide to stay together, but it will also help if you decide to split - this sounds odd but at least you will both understand all the reasons why the relationship failed, which does help you to come to terms with it. There is nothing worse than having a relationship end and never fulyl understanding why.

Take some comfort from the fact that she is still with you and working hard to try and salvage your marriage by talking things through with you via Relate.

southwester_2

It is the hardest thing, I cant get thoughts out of my head and I am wondering if I am being too soft and should just pack up and go and see if that works and she misses me, although she is working away now until Friday so we have some space. I dont want to pack up and go I want to stay and win her love back, but then why am I like that when I havent done anything wrong, she should want me

catewithers

You have to do what your heart is telling you to do, not what you think you should be doing. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to deal with this. You have to find the your way of dealing with it. Sorry if that sounded like a load of psychobabble mumbo jumbo!

If you want to stay and work it out then do that. That's what is right for you.

Shineyhappy

I don't think you should leave unless it is for good. I know you are in a terrible position, but how would you describe the realtionship before you found out about the affair?

Not that you are to blame for her having the affair, but was there any behavioural problems in the relationship that could have contributed to her looking for comfort?

I think if you want the marriage to work and it sounds like you do, then you are going to have to put a lot of effort in to the relationship and try and recreate how things were when you first met. If you dont go out much, try and arrange a date maybe? I know that it wasnt you who messed up and cheated but you both will have to try your hardest to move on and fix things.

katepnlo

I just had to reply..
I am so sorry, i don't think i have anything usefull to say.
Maybe these few days will do some good.
I have to say it has bought a tear to my eye. But remember she does love you, it sounds like things have just gone off the boil and got set into routine...plus the stress of debt etc, my personal opinion is that there is a good chance this won't be the end.
Things can go wrong, but things can be put right, it may take time but it can be done
kate
xxx

southwester_2

I dont want to go , thats for sure, the fact that she is away for a couple of days may help, I am determined to give her some space while she is away wont be easy after what has happened but I will try.

catewithers - I will stay because deep down that is what I want, she is also away for a few days next week so more time apart, may help, although this will obviously be hard for me.

My heart is telling me to stay but initially she wanted some space but hasnt said that since