Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

quietheart

Stop beating yourself up about being 'soft'. You can only give your natural reaction, you can't help being nice, you're a nice person. Never stop being yourself in all of this, you need to stay true to what you are.
So tough.

suki43

Hi SW!

Well I didn't expect to read about someone going through this today, but my heart genuinely goes out to you and I sincerely hope you and your wife can put things right.

This happened to me a few years ago with my ex.

I'm trying to think of advice to give you. When my ex was unfaithful to me, I told my mum and she said to me "One affair is a mistake, two or more is a habit". I remember feeling devastated and feeling so low about myself, but what my mum said did go some way in helping me realise that humans make often painful mistakes.

Unfortunately it did happen again and that's when I decided to leave. As much as I loved my ex-husband, I could not bear going through it again.

The only way you will get past this, is if your wife truly understands what she has done to your heart - this can be done through Relate and such.

What I would say, is this, if you do decide to make a go of it with your wife, promise yourself and her that you won't hold her hostage for years to come.
This is exactly what I did to my ex, I chose to stay and forgive him, but I held him hostage, and I think this ultimately broke down my marriage more than the affair ever did.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing- but when the time is right and lines of communication are open, try to discuss the reasons for the affair with your wife. Most people don't have affairs because they don't love their partners, they do it for an entirely different reason. eg. we all need to feel loved. It's often an escape.

Relationships do stagnate and the spark goes for most people, but there is something that keeps you together. What is it you love about your wife, what do you dislike about her? Ask her what she loves about you and what she dislikes about you? Write these down, and try to moderate what you dislike about each other. Being aware of our flaws is a good thing and it's the first step in trying to improve.

The healing will take time. It's not what happens to you, it's how you deal with it. Don't be hard on each other and accept that this may take weeks or months to truly get over. And this is OK.

It's OK to be deeply hurt, it's OK to be angry. Let your feelings out now.

The reason I say this, is that I didn't let my feelings out at the time and they festered, and this contributed to the demise of my marriage.

Today, my ex-husband and I are like brother and sister. Sure, we are no longer married, but he is still important to me and would be there if I needed him and vice versa. I was a woman scorned for a long time, felt easily jealous, insecure, suspicious, but I know now that my ex-husband did not mean to break my heart, and I think he ultimately hurt more than I did, but I forgave him, because you don't know if you would ever do the same thing in the future - noone is perfect and often it's a person's imperfections that make them perfect for you. If you can forgive your wife, genuinely forgive her, you will ultimately relieve yourself of any pain you feel.

I like the idea of a date. We all need to feel special even with those with whom we have been a long time. It's easy to over-complicate these situations, but simplicity is the key to finding answers to your questions.

Start with Do you love her? Does she love you?
Then Are you still in love with her? Is she still in love with you?

IF not, why not?

If she could have anything right now, what would it be?

Moving all the pain aside, do you still want to live your lives together?

If so, what needs to be improved for this to happen?

What do you need from her?

What does she need from you?

You get where I am coming from...

I do wish you the best of luck, and there is plenty of support on here for you.

I hope that there is one thing I have said above, which helps you in some way, SW.

Big hugs

Suki

Dithering_Dad

suki43 wrote: »

Relationships do stagnate and the spark goes for most people, but there is something that keeps you together.

One of my biggest "bugbear's" about forums is when people take a tiny snippet of a post and leap on it, ignoring all of the excellent points elsewhere in the post... :rolleyes:

... so let me first say that I thought suki's post was really lovely, excellently written and full of good advice but...

... the tiny snippet above really depressed me, so i had to comment on it. I really don't believe it's such a foregone conclusion that relationships stagnate and the spark goes out. If that's true then we may as well all give up now!

Relationships are like children, you have to give them attention, you have to nurture them and then you watch them grow into something wonderful. Relationships change from those mad, scary "sex, again? I'm not a machine! Oh go on then" courting days, through the "Right, you're the one for me, let's settle down" but don't have to end in the "God I'm bored. I miss the mad scary courting days" stage!!

I'm in the middle stage with Mrs D and will be for many years, but will hopefully(?) end up in the "so, who do you think will die first then" stage!

suki43

OK, the only reason I said the above is because I hear these words so often in my job - sorry if I depressed you, DD!

What people mean is that the relationship has become routine (including sex or lack of it). For some people, this offers them security and makes people feel safe, for others this represents a lack of impulse, excitement and a yearning for the "chase stage" of a relationship again. As we are often attracted to an opposite personality in our partners, it is easy to be unaware of our partners instinctive needs, and to assume that if we're happy with the routine, then our partners must be as well.

Communication is key to resolving this and self-awareness as well as awareness of our partner's needs will keep the relationship alive. The hardest thing in life is to start and then maintain a relationship, and to avoid thinking that if it's not perfect, then it has fallen short of our ideal. That's why people feel the grass must be greener, have affairs and convince themselves that they have developed feelings for another person. When the truth is, most affairs happen under a veil of denial and non-reality. How many times people say "I don't know what I was thinking, I thought I was in love, but now I can't bear to think about the person (With whom they had the affair) and wish I could turn back the clock.

Suki

southwester_2

Suki - Nice post, very moving, we have aready said to each other that we love each other, there is no question about that. We love doing things together, being together etc etc but there is a problem with her lack of attractiveness to me (!!!! thats hard) at the moment. Will it come back if we work at it, I dont know and most importantly she doesnt know.

Relate helped but the next few sessions are going to be harder, we both have to open up, something my wife never finds easy but she does know she will have to.

At the moment I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel on this journey we are on but we are both hoping.

Dithering Dad - We talked last night and said along the lines that we have never really approcahed the problems and this was our chance to do so, we will have to go through the trust problem, which will be hard with OH working away and I am also away about once a month.

I just hope we can

catewithers

SW - you can do this if you're both committed to see it through and making it work. It's really hard, the hardest thing in the world, but it can be done. I promise. DH and I are living proof of that. Hang in there.

southwester_2

Its bloody hard, cant stop breaking down, getting angry , images in my mind, wandering what OH is thinking, doing , then when I see her I just wnat to hold her -

catewithers

it is awful.

suki43

Hi SW!

You have the foundations in place to move forward. You love each other and enjoy being together - that's a huge step and not one that should be taken for granted. It's the basis of a GOOD relationshp. I see couples who can't bear to be around each other and really don't know if they love each other any more.

What is important to remember is that if you are both upset, you both still care. The best sign a relationship is over is indifference.

As far as attractiveness goes - sure, both men and women need physical attraction, but there is something else needed as well. An affair happens when a need is fulfilled by another person. How does your wife feel about herself? It can act as a temporary sticky plaster over a much larger insecurity, particularly in cases where an affair seems out of character.

As harsh as this sounds, I sometimes say to my other half, can't you have a good shave, get your hair cut and make an effort?! We can sometimes be complacent with these issues, and indeed, my OH would tell me if he felt I could make more of an effort for him, eat well, exercise and generally take pride in my appearance.

However, it is a cliche (but cliches exist for a reason), real attraction is in the mind. There is nothing sexier than someone really understanding you, knowing what you need and want. This is something you need to demonstrate to your wife, and she to you. In the case of affairs, people are easily convinced that the person, with whom they are having the affair, does completely understand them, when in fact, this is seldom the case.

Women love being surprised by their partners. They love a simple gesture that says, "he still remembers what I like". Do you both feel unappreciated by each other? If so, how? Saying Thank You for cooking dinner, clearing the kitchen etc, it all helps to make each other feel appreciated.

Here's an interesting exercise - if you were to have had the affair, what would you feel you would have got from the affair, that you don't get from your wife? Your answer may be the same as your wife's if you asked her.

Once you have got over this emotionally draining stage, you need to sit down and work as a team. You need to shovel life's crap together, rather than one give the crap for the other to shovel.

Take care

Suki

PigginSkint

Southwester – I’ve only just caught up with this thread and I am so sorry to hear what you going through at the moment. I have not had to experience the affair situation myself but I did go through a long and painful breakdown of my marriage, so many of the emotions you are describing I have also gone through. I have actually just relived it through reading this thread.

I just wanted to send you big hugs because you need them right now. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I know this is going to be a really painful time for you, no matter what happens, and I hope things turn out well for you in the end. I shall be thinking about you!