Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

southwester_2

Well we sat down last night and I told her that I deserved some answers, we talked not shouted, held her hand and told her that I will always love her whatever happens.

We were both very emotional, she told me it has been going on for 6 months and she had feelings for him but ended it yesterday because she wants to sort things out with me one way or the other. She doesnt want to break our family up but although she loves me she doesnt love me like a wife should love a husband (that was hard to take) and she doesnt know if she will get that back. We are still in the same bed and we hugged last night, which she cant do without crying, nor me but we are both trying to be supportive to each other.

Really dont know whats going to happen, i really dont

catewithers

SW - I'm so sorry to hear what's happened.

Take it from me - as one who has very recently been through this and come out of the other side, having said the very same thing to my husband - you can make this work. Both of you. Given the time, space and help to communicate. Relate is an excellent place to go for that.

We were separated for a year and moved back in together in February. It was a long hard road, but we made it and it was worth all the blood, sweat and tears.

Take one hour at a time, literally. Give yourself time and space to grieve, be angry and to cry. Listen to yourself as well as her. Say exactly what you mean, but be careful about how you say it. Have patience, with yourself and with her. Ask for what you need - it can't be given if you don't ask. If you find you're struggling to cope with everyday life, go and see your GP.

And keep posting here so we can support you.

Thinking of you.

danielleindebt

im very sorry to hear whats happened. i cant imagine what your going through.

what about counciling?

i hope you get things sorted out soon. i agree with catewaiters. you can make things work

dianadors

My hubby told me he hadnt loved me for 2 years, and I think that once we decided to stay together, he didnt love me as much as he had originally for the best part of the following year. But I concentrated on getting the fun stuff back in our lives, and doing some of the things that we had enjoyed doing together - the really simple things like sitting in the back garden until really late doing a crossword together etc, and generally getting back to talking to each other and listening to each other. I understand totally how you feel - I felt as if I was dying, I didnt know how I was going to get through the next hour never mind the next day. It is good that you are going to relate - it isnt a miracle cure, but you can only do your best. I wish you well.

Sea78

Oh SW, at least you managed to talk last night. I do hope you get on well at relate. xxx

3urchins

Southwester,
Felt so sad to read your news, exactly this time last year found a text on my husband's phone which like you led to an admission and the most horrendous time for us both. He had been seeing someone at work, was horrified by what he had done but also said that he had never felt loved by me and had become increasingly lonely. I sent him away for a few days and tried to hold it together while the kids were around but fell apart when they were in bed. Ironically, I had been bored for years and had felt disapointed by him, the sex everything but had been arrogant enough to think he was quite happy! Clearly he wasn't! While he was away he ended the affair, then came back and we talked and talked about issues and problems we had had for years, sex etc, general intimacy as I am not at all affectionate and he is. Anyway, that was a year ago and although it has been tough, and there have been many times when I wondered if the trust would ever come back, we have worked really hard to make things work. We have 3 young children and had slipped into being friends rather than partners and that is so easy to do. We have both had to address our own demons, he has changed job to save me being anxious about him seeing her and I have had to be honest about what stops me being loving and affectionate-not easy. I have finally stopped secretly checking his phone and wallet and one day I realised that it was not at the front of my mind all the time any more if you know what I mean. I can honestly say that we are closer now than for years and we have learned the value of what we have, I think the same may well happen for you as your wife still loves yopu. Please do not fall into the trap of being a doormat, she needs to feel that she might lose YOU over this not that you will be there regardless of what SHE decides. You are a team and will work things out but only if you feel you have equal emotional investment in the marriage. Do address the problems that you had before, most things can be overcome with honesty although I know it is far from easy. I am thinking of you and wish you all the best.

catewithers

SW - I've pm'd you

chunky79

Having read through this thread and the replies i believe that your a very decent guy and very understanding due to the circumstances.

I am pleased you have been able to talk, the first time is always the hardest.

Also going to relate is a fantastic idea and ouitside wiew always helps.
I hope your wife truly understands what a fabulous, doting and understanding husband and father she has.

I really do hope that your questions will be answered whatever they may be, it will be hard for her to tell you as i am sure she does not want to hurt you further, but if they are not answered they can may you think up more than what is, if you see what i mean.

The way forward though is to look forward and not to ponder on what has happened, although still very raw i know this is hard to contemplate. Take time to see where it has gone wrong, you could ask her what she feels is missing, tell her it may hurt you now but if it saves the marriage then the hurt will be worth it. That the start then work from there.(i hope i am saying this clear and not putting my foot in it here).

A surprise now and again is also nice book a babysitter and go out, pictures, for a walk anything. Also a good happy family day. Nights in, watch a dvd bottle of plonk once more time is spent talking becomes easier.

I truly hope you can both work through this and i wish you all the best of luck. Let us know how you got on at relate. x

shamu95

Hi sw,
Just wanted to say that i am thinking of you and feeling for you.
The first step has been taken - you've managed to talk and you have been able to comfort each other. I bet that wasnt easy for either of you. I'm sure though that it shows how much love ther still is. I think relate would be a great idea and remember the old adage that time is one of lifes greatest healers

skirt

Nothing to add to the words from everyone above, just that I am sorry you are going through all this xx