Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

dianadors

When my hubby had an affair, I was the one who did all the running to get him back. His head and heart were in such a state that he was all for throwing the towel in, but I thought that we had a good thing going, and I wasnt going to let some tart walk away with everything that I loved. After he finished the affair - I realised that he would need time to get over it, and to be honest he was a right wash out for about 9 months. I dont know how I kept going at times, and I had no assurances that things would work out, but I knew that for my own sake, as well as the sake of our lovely kids that I had to try. If it failed, it wasnt going to be because of me. I often used to think that if I had caused the upset, I would be doing x y and z to make amends - and that just wasnt happening with him. However, bit by bit he came round. He isnt a man of many words, but I could see him visibly moved whenever we were having a great time - He realised just how much he could have lost. I felt like a doormat for a long time, and because his affair was very public in our social circle, I'm sure that people thought I was too (I know some people still think this). But I'm proud of what I did and I am proud that I was the one who kept our family together. My hubby is also proud of me and things couldnt be better now (4 years on). In the early stages, he did stop going out on works do's etc without me - he took me everywhere to reassure me that nothing was still going on. Whilst it didnt really proove anything, I did appreciate it and it did help with our recovery. I would say it took around 3 full years to finally feel better about the situation, but it has been worth it. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Also - she might not know what she has to do. My hubby said that all the things he thought of doing just felt so false and not enough.

catewithers

SPAM - again - reported, AGAIN!

dreams_R_free

southwester wrote: »

Im not a bad looking doormat!!!

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I don't doubt it for a minute, southwester:o . I also know you are a really lovely caring man and your wife should thank her lucky stars to have you.

What I meant though was that she was the one to cause all this upheaval yet you are the one constantly trying to make amends. I never meant you shouldn't try, it's just that I feel she's in a win-win situation and you are now temporarily giving up something that means so much to you(cricket) just so she can go to a party! Your earlier alternatives re her going to the party seemed OK to me.

Imp

southwester_2

Thanks DD

Feel the same you did really, going to be positive from now on and move forward whichever way it goes. Still want to stay together but her lack of affection is not helping, but to be honest she has always been like that, not one for public shows of affection, we agreed last night there needs to be a middle line drawn on that, which is cool by me.

3 years, bloody hell, I havent got to go on for three years like this have I!!

southwester_2

Its OK Imp

There is a lot of truth in what you say and I feel that way partly, I have told her again she can go on her own if she likes

dianadors

Practical things that we did to get back on track:
The summer of 2003 was very hot, so when the kids were in bed, we filled the paddling pool with warm water, lit candles around the garden and shared a bottle of wine whilst floating in the pool - not about the affair, but about each other and ourselves. I learned a lot about myself at this time and realised that although I had always done things with the very best of intentions, they had not come accross that way.

We booked into Malmaison for a night together, on the understanding that we both made a huge effort for each other. Wont go into too much detail, but this was a big step on the road to recovery - not brilliantly succesful, but a start. Subsequent trips back have proven very succesful in helping to reconnect!!

Put each other first - something we hadnt been doing. We had taken each other for granted - big mistake.

3 years does seem a long time, but it flys by, and you dont feel wretched for the whole time, it gradually gets better. I know that hubby still lives with the guilt, and that must be worse than living with the "images". Stay positive, and cut her some slack. I'm routing for you both.

Frugal_Fox

I have to say - I don't think its about 'who' sacrifices 'what'. Its about two people who are having a rocky time, and doing what they can to get through it. Together.

She offered not to go - thereby trying in part to reassure you. You've offered not to go to cricket and to go together. Both of you compromised on what is important - each other.

I'm sure it will take time, but every day together is a day further away from the initial pain and a day closer to a time when you'll get through a day, and it won't have been on your mind.

My father had an affair. Mum took him back and did all she could to keep the marriage going. In the end it wasn't to be. He didn't want to be in the marriage. I don't think of my mum as a doormat. I think of her as a strong woman who was prepared to fight for what she believed in and wanted. I admire her.

You are not a door mat. You are a man who wants his marriage to work, and who is prepared to make compromises to achieve the bigger picture. This isn't about now, its about setting the firm foundations for the future.

I wish you and your wife well.

FF

dianadors

I agree with Frugal Fox

southwester_2

Well thanks for the words but Ive just told her that I will miss the cricket and go to the party with her but I was fed up being the one making all the moves and sacrifices. She turned around and said her life revolved around sport and she had made those sacrifices, partly true. Least he truth is starting to emerge, byt the way son plays sport

P***** off

onedayiwill

Hi SW,

Tried to reply a few things but keep going off into my own little world. Just want to say that you are doing great, hang in there. No words of advice, except remember to be kind to yourself as well as your wife.

OneDay.