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Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

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Comments

  • southwester_2
    southwester_2 Posts: 639 Forumite
    Many thanks DD;

    We are working hard at it but I still cant believe how much hurt I feel and wander what she is doing etc etc, it will fade I know
    22/07/07 Debt - Tesco 17644 (6.1%) - Now 10500
    hsbc - 2000 - now 0 (12.9%) :T
    Halifax - 3500 now o(0%) :T
    Barclays - 1500 - now 0 (5.5%) :T
    ==================================
    Cleared 6th July 2010
  • southwester_2
    southwester_2 Posts: 639 Forumite
    Well, huge row last night!!!

    I told her about the images and how it was killing me, she understood but said we couldnt move forward until we felt at ease with each other. Then we got onto the intimicy thing and I blurted out the old you could with him then!!
    What a dipstick - couldnt help myself, anyway huge row and feels like we have taken 50 steps back. I am not sure I am going to be able to get over this and neither is she.
    22/07/07 Debt - Tesco 17644 (6.1%) - Now 10500
    hsbc - 2000 - now 0 (12.9%) :T
    Halifax - 3500 now o(0%) :T
    Barclays - 1500 - now 0 (5.5%) :T
    ==================================
    Cleared 6th July 2010
  • Shineyhappy
    Shineyhappy Posts: 1,931 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    I think with any huge problem you take steps forward and then some backwards. So I wouldnt let a few arguments get you down too much. Easier said than done I know.

    How are things going with the councillor?
    Debt Free - done
    Mortgage Free - done
    Building up the pension pot
  • Hi Shiney

    We decided together to stop the councilling, as problem was my wife is a trained counciller for her work and she knew the next questions that were going to be asked if you know what I mean, we have decided that we know the problem and it is up to us to try and sort it out between ourselves, which we were until last night.

    Thanks
    22/07/07 Debt - Tesco 17644 (6.1%) - Now 10500
    hsbc - 2000 - now 0 (12.9%) :T
    Halifax - 3500 now o(0%) :T
    Barclays - 1500 - now 0 (5.5%) :T
    ==================================
    Cleared 6th July 2010
  • Snaggles
    Snaggles Posts: 19,503 Forumite
    Don't give up hope yet southwester - the feelings you were having (about the images and the intimacy etc) were eating you up, and for better or worse now, they're out in the open. If there is any chance you are going to get through this, the only way it will work is that if you are completely honest with each other, and brave enough to say the things that may be difficult for the other person to hear. It may cause an argument, but a bit of a row is much less damaging to a relationship than having negative feelings bubbling away under the surface.
    "I wasn't wrong, I just wasn't right enough."
    :smileyhea
    9780007258925
  • Shineyhappy
    Shineyhappy Posts: 1,931 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    Have you tried reading any books designed to help couples get through adultery?

    I understand your wife knows this process from an outsiders point of view being the helper but this time she is the one needed help and I dont think she can be that objective. The other thing is you dont know this process and maybe you need the help.

    Be careful not to cut any corners just because one of you knows something as there are two of you and you both have needs.

    Snaggles as usual is spot on and sometimes arguements can be healthy.
    Debt Free - done
    Mortgage Free - done
    Building up the pension pot
  • I dont know, I really dont know anymore
    22/07/07 Debt - Tesco 17644 (6.1%) - Now 10500
    hsbc - 2000 - now 0 (12.9%) :T
    Halifax - 3500 now o(0%) :T
    Barclays - 1500 - now 0 (5.5%) :T
    ==================================
    Cleared 6th July 2010
  • Some of these bad feelings can be processed and eased by re-programming the brain so that it doesn't keep re-running them and to lessen the intensity of your horrible feelings. It gives you a means of controlling what's going on inside your head.

    A technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is wonderful for this. It is a self-help technique which is quickly learned and is completely safe. It can be applied to anything which puts you out of balance, whether physical or emotional pain, or a runaway imagining. It simply consists of tapping your meridian points in a certain order whilst reciting a statement based on what you want to change. It can be very effective.


    There are two websites where you can look at / download the technique. https://www.emofree.com
    https://www.eft-therapy.com

    It worked for me during challenging times. You may find someone in your local area who is more familiar with it and who can help you.

    I wish you well.


    GQ
    If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don't hoard it. Don't dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke.

    -- Brendan Francis

  • Lucy1982_2
    Lucy1982_2 Posts: 4,611 Forumite
    Hi Babe.

    Now I've only briefly read through this. But wanted to give you a big hug and explain the situation I was in about 3 years ago.

    I understand.

    When I was 18 I fell in love with a wonderful man, he was funny, kind and loved me to pieces 'just as I was'. I couldn't have asked for more. 1 and a half years in we got engaged and I started planning our wedding for the year after I graduated (may 04), everything was going really well until he was sent to Iraq.

    When he came home (Jan 04) things were different, not right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then in early March (04) he rang me up on my mobile and said 'I've been having an affair for a year, it's up to you whether you marry me or not'. In that one moment my world fell apart.

    I asked myself in the few hours after I found out could I forgive him. And I decided I couldn't, I knew that I would bring it up everything we had an arguement, he couldn't promised me he wouldn't do it again. The worse bit for me was knowing that if his brother hadn't found out I would never have known. I would have been happy, but living a lie.

    You have the chance to work things out and you need to decide if it is worth it. The day I walked away from him I still loved him. I even tried to explain that was why I was walking away. But you will get there. I went through all the images, the beating myself up because I didn't know what I'd done wrong. In 2005 I realised that I hadn't done anything wrong and I wrote him a letter, explaining everything I needed to know. I have no idea if he read it, but I got this off my chest and felt much better for it.

    Try talking to your wife and if you can't do it (I knew I'd get to angry face to face) then write it down and let her read it. She needs to know how you feel, because until that point neither of you can heal and get on with your lives.

    I wish you all the luck in the world.

    As for me. Well I'm 3 years on and have just started a new relationship. Been with my OH for just over 2 months and so far everything is going ok. I'm going to be meeting his parents soon, but I keep my eyes open for problems, because I promised myself I would never be put into that situation again.

    :grouphug: But most of all remember that she must love you if she is willing to go through this with you.

    Take care x
    Current debt - £16,300 :(
    Debt at worst 17/03/2011 - £18,067.62:eek::eek:
    :ANot going anywhere else, ever again :A
  • Thank you Lucy for your post, nice post

    I have already written letters but not for a while so may write another one but every time we bring it up we seem to take steps backwards so might try to get on with life and see what it brings, there is a child involved which makes it harder

    Thanks
    22/07/07 Debt - Tesco 17644 (6.1%) - Now 10500
    hsbc - 2000 - now 0 (12.9%) :T
    Halifax - 3500 now o(0%) :T
    Barclays - 1500 - now 0 (5.5%) :T
    ==================================
    Cleared 6th July 2010
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