Worst Time Of My Life Ever!

Dithering_Dad

Hi SW, I've been away and so have just caught up with the thread. It sounds like it's slow going, but you're starting to get over the initial shock of it all.

I have to say that you're a better man than I for giving your relationship a chance. I had a girlfriend who was unfaithful when I was away at University but still wanted to stay together, but I broke it off because I knew that I would always be paranoid whenever she went out without me and would drive myself insane with my vivid imagination. I'm a very trusting person,but once that trust has gone, it's gone for good.

saffronflowers

Hi Poppett - glad to here that you seem slightly more positive, I agree that you can end up with your communication only being about what has happened and not focusing on how to address the future.

Why dont you have a family night - dvd and pizza and watch it altogether at the sofa, my girls would recommend Flushed Away. It might you both back to the team spirit of family IYKWIM.

Why not suggest that you set aside time to discuss everything, and other than then the subject doesn't come up, it will give you release from teh burden hanging over you all the time.

Hugs as always.

SFx

dreams_R_free

southwester wrote: »

Im not texting or phoning her today whilst she is away, I have told her I will give her some space and wont be in contact until she is with me

Good Morning SW, I'm really happy that you sound a little bit more positive today. In a situation like this you'll be spinning through a massive range of emotions and its no surprise that you feel angry sometimes.

I see the fact that she texted and phoned you last night as a really positive sign, given the fact that you'd told her you wouldn't phone her first. It looks as though her time away and the space you've given her have paid off and she is really feeling the need to communicate with you.

I hope you can have a healing and happy weekend together and will feel a lot more hopeful come Monday.

Virtual hugs to you all

auntie_brenda

Sw I really feel for you :grouphug:.

The only thing I have to add is - take your time. Your son is 10 so you've been together how many years? And, reading between the lines, things have not been right for a while. You can't realistically expect to solve this overnight, or even think of ways to solve it. Although that is the obvious thing to try to do.

You're a typical man!!!!!! Here's a problem, right, let's solve it. Slow down, you've both said you want this to work which is great, but you must give it time. And you must give your hurt time to subside as well (not that it will disappear, but hopefully in time you'll be able to look back on this as a v painful chapter in a long & happy life together).

As others have suggested, have a family weekend. The date is also a great idea. Good luck, we're all rooting for you xx

catewithers

I think it's hugely positive that she took the step of communicating with you while she's been away.

Just wanted to second what Auntie Brenda said - it will take time. Don't try and rush things. One day at a time is key. As is being completely honest with each other, no matter how painful it may be to hear some things. I'm glad you were able to do that last night about how angry you are.

Hang in there.

southwester_2

Married 18 years, been together for 22, she was 16 I was 18 when we first met. Young I know but I'm not going to lose her!!

dianadors

Hi, Just caught up with your thread. Hope the weekend helps you both. Ive mentioned before that this happened to me, and hubby and I are still together and going from strength to strength. At the time that it happened, I blamed him 100%, but as time has gone on, I realise that "blame" wasnt doing anybody any good. I realise that we misunderstood each others words and actions greatly in the build up. We had both being doing things with the very best of intentions, but poor communication (and lack of quality time together due to work) lead to him believing that I no longer loved him. I can see now how it happened whereas I couldnt at the time. If she wants to give it a go, and you do too, then put it behind you (not easy but can be done) and start to repair your relationship. Your relationship will not be the same, it cant be, but it can be better - However thats up to both of you. You will continue to be angry and hurt, but that does subside over time and she will need to be patient. She will have to give you what you need to get over it. For me, I had to know every detail, and this was very painful for him to tell me and painful to hear, and did leave me with horrible images for a while, but I couldnt forgive what I didnt know - whereas others prefer not to know. Whatever you decide to do, its no picnic, but you can get over an affair and there are lots of things to read to help you make sense of it all and move on. Start with this:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/335
Just one more point, if you have loved someone in the past it is possible to get those feelings back.

Shineyhappy

southwester wrote: »

Married 18 years, been together for 22, she was 16 I was 18 when we first met. Young I know but I'm not going to lose her!!

:j Tha seems like a very positive attitude! I am glad things seem to go as well as can be expected.

As others have said dont try to rush things and try and make more time for each other than you have done in the past, even if its just dressing up for a special meal at home with some romantic music and the house to yourselves.

Besides in a way being a member of these boards you can always ask all us lovely ladies for advice on romance on a budget

Frugal_Fox

Hi SW,

Just caught this thread - I wanted to send you my thoughts. You've been through a very rough and emotional time, and its not quite over yet. I admire your attitude towards sorting this out. You have a long relationship - which seemingly is worth saving. As much as I hate to write it - you can not save something if only one person wants to save it. I hope for the sake of all of you that your wife does want to save your relationship. I'm expecting your wife will be feeling very confused right now. She may feel she has a relationship she is duty bound to save - yet she is unclear of her feelings.

I'm note sure how I can best write what I want to say without hurting your feelings - and I speak from a wife who went through a period of time where I loved my husband - but wasn't 100% sure I was still 'in' love with him. We'd gone through a patch where we were just taking each other for granted. We'd probably have had more time for a neighbour on the street than for each other. Where we spoke with respect to others - but not for each other. A long sit down, some hurtful - but true words made us see where we were and more importantly where we were headed. Our relationship is back on track - and he is the only person I want with me through my life. Back to you - your wife has had an affair. She's been in a relationship where everything was in that first flush, all exciting. She has to reconcile her possible feelings of being really loved with an excitment of new relationship with your endurring love, a love that has bound you for over 20 years. You say you had problems within your marriage that (correct me if I am wrong) you both let go unresolved. You have money issues (so do we!), that causes untold stress. You need to give yourself time to recover from what has happened. Take stock of where you are. Ask yourself where do you see yourself in 5 years time. If it is together, and your wife wants the same thing then you have a precious second chance to not take each other for granted. Time is a healer. I wish you both well.
FF

southwester_2

Thank you Frugal Fox, very honest