What do I do?

System

Son, there are aspects ofmummys’ personality that encourage people to be cruel and nasty to her ’.

What sort of message does that convey to a 10 year old boy?

Horrible, horrible man!

ruby-roo_2

Good god what kind of man would do this to their child, or to the mother of their child?

He clearly has very deep set problems OP. Talk to you sons school, show them the letter if you feel able to. Then they will know that it is best to safeguard the children and will only allow you or other designated people to collect them from the school at home times etc.

coolcait

marisco wrote: »

‘ there are aspects of x’ personality that encourage people to be cruel and nasty to [him/her] ’.

DannyBo wrote: »

Good idea!

I'm trying to find the right thing to say without seeming flippant. I guess I think to be objective is the key in this situation - by that I mean that maybe ex is trying to build bridges etc.. Albeit in a peculiar way. :beer:

Being objective, when is it appropriate or acceptable to say that it's OK to be cruel or nasty to someone?

Moving on from that, when is it acceptable for a person to blame their own cruel and nasty behaviour on 'aspects' of their target's 'personality'?

And to blame those 'aspects' of the target's 'personality' for 'encouraging' the aggressor's cruelty and nastiness?

The OP has quoted that sentence from a letter. This isn't just about the OP's perspective of the situation, it's also about how the rest of us interpret that quote.

I'm horrified by it. Bad enough if it had been written to an adult.

It was written to a child.

It was written by a man who is inviting his child to take the view that it's OK to be cruel and nasty to mummy - because aspects of mummy's personality encourage that behaviour.

That's not "build[ing] bridges etc.. Albeit in a peculiar way".

You don't build decent bridges on the basis that it's OK to be cruel and nasty to someone, as long as you can blame them for it.

peachyprice

Call me cynical, but do you think he actually meant your son to even get it.

He must have known you would recognise his handwriting and would not have let your on open it, it sounds to me very much like he's screwing with your head, making you feel threatened in your own home and letting you know how easy it would be for him to get to your children. It sounds to me like he's playing a very sick game.

If he'd really have meant for your son to open the parcel and read the letter I think he would have gone out of his way to make sure you wouldn't know it was from him.

coolcait

OP, please try to speak to Women's Aid for support and reassurance. But also for advice and guidance.

If you're worried about your ex taking the children from school, ask Women's Aid what measures you can take to stop that happening. Up to, and including, legal measures - if that's what's necessary.

Hopefully, they'll be able to set your mind at rest quite easily.

make_me_wise

peachyprice wrote: »

Call me cynical, but do you think he actually meant your son to even get it.

I agree with this. I think your ex is trying to mess with your head. Dont let him, rise above it all.

Do speak to your sons school. They need to know what is going on in the hopefully unlikely event your ex turns up. Take care OP.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

peachyprice wrote: »

Call me cynical, but do you think he actually meant your son to even get it.

He must have known you would recognise his handwriting and would not have let your on open it, it sounds to me very much like he's screwing with your head, making you feel threatened in your own home and letting you know how easy it would be for him to get to your children. It sounds to me like he's playing a very sick game.

If he'd really have meant for your son to open the parcel and read the letter I think he would have gone out of his way to make sure you wouldn't know it was from him.

Totally agree with this. Don't play into his hands and stress yourself. Get this lodged with a solicitor and get proper advice on what it means legally...

londonsurrey

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

I was stalked by my estranged mother for years. Got lots of poisonous letters.

In the end, it was these poisonous letters that got me an advocate, legal help and help with counselling, as without them, it would have been a hundred times harder to prove exactly what a piece of work she was.

Mayflower10cat

ideally, throw out toy and note, both are poisoned, metaphorically speaking. Agree a copy of note could be kept securely with solicitor or just trusted friend - please not anywhere you can happen upon it easily.

Hanging_by_a_thread

marisco wrote: »

Inside was a blue teddy bear with a 4 page letter where my extells my son all that went on between him and I. All the things he did to me and giving hisreasons for why those things happened. All of them my fault, all of them done because I drove him to it. The last line of the letter is an absolutekiller to me ‘Son, there are aspects ofmummys’ personality that encourage people to be cruel and nasty to her ’

Your ex has done himself no favours by writing that letter. I am glad you intercepted it before your son read it. No child should be subjected to having to deal with anything like that. Something your ex would be aware of if he had any active involvement around your children.

It is up to you if your son ever gets to read it of course. One thing I do know is that mothers and sons have a very special bond, where there has always been a good relationship between them. As a grown man I doubt he will think well of his father for saying all he has in that letter about you.

I hope your friend is with you now and that you are feeling a bit better.