5 year old daughter struggling to socialise :'(

meer53

Having a friend (or friends) over to play will give you chance to catch up on some of the things you need to do. There's nothing wrong with doing things around the house whilst your daughter is playing with her mates. I always found it easier to get stuff done when my daughter had company, she wasn't always in my face ! I'm a working single mum too, inviting a friend for tea only takes up a couple of hours, say after school until 6ish, it really is quite easy to fit in.

The added bonus is that your daughter will be invited back, giving you even more time. Quite often, on a weekend, i've had 5 or 6 of my daughters mates here, the more there are, the easier it is for me !

krustylouise

Katgrit wrote: »

Whoa! Calm down a bit, that post wasn't "just" critical. Yes there were 2 bits I can see you getting upset about (because as you said, you're very worked up and sensitive about things at the mo) but 4 other helpful bits in Conerned's post. I read that as a supportive post, pointing out something very valid. A lot of Mums beat themselves up about the fact that "mundane" stuff isn't getting done. It might have been that you didn't want feel able to let the side down, and let your standards slip. I'm sure Concerned meant it in a "Don't feel guilty if you can't do it all, it's ok to let dust build up on bookshelves every now and again, and if you skip a day hoovering the hall" way, rather than her thinking "Bad Mum, she obviously doesn't give a toss about her daughter". No need to jump get throat like that, give her the benefit of the doubt and read her post again.


And if after you've done that, if you still can't be generous enough to realise it was a post trying to help them here's the bullet points of Confused's post ( hope you don't mind this Confused!)

1) Other parents will love you for wanting to arrange playdates! They get child out from under their feet*, and get some "me time". If thats good for them, they'll encourage their child to be friends with yours. Hooray!

2) You'll get to know their parents. More support for yourself, interaction between your children, and wider social circle all round. Hooray!

3) Don't leave it up to the school. It might not be enough. You want the best for your daughter so be prepared that your of what's adequat support and help for your daughter may not be THEIR idea of what's enough. Again, a SUPPORTIVE point made by Confused, giving you ADVICE.

4) Playdates mean you get to see interactions first hand, and no-one knows your daughter better than you (cos you're a fab Mum and she's your baby!) so you'll be in a better position to spot exactly what's going on, in an un-structured and free-play environment. Hooray!

THAT is the tone of voice I read Confused's post in. If you're going to ignore helpful posts just because you've got your "No one calls me a !!!! Mum!" head on, then I think that's a shame. Not everyone is out to get you you know.



*not because they're bad, heartless, unloving parents, but just because well, you know, at times everyone wants and needs a breather.

At the moment I am VERY sensitive towards my daughters and this situation, so yes I will be on the defensive and will jump down people's throats if I feel attacked by their comments. If I knew someone were feeling like this, given their child is their whole world, I wouldn't be able to say comments about knowing how important their DS is without thinking the other person may interpret that as criticism. But hey I guess that's just me!!

Thanks for your comments.

OllysMum_2

It is very difficult finding time for everything.

I would echo the idea of having a friend over for a few hours on a Saturday (or a school holiday day if you're off work). It is likely to be appreciated by that child's parent and hopefully the favour would be returned. Also, I always found that having two children to look after much easier than one because they amuse each other, so I could quite often get things done that I wouldn't otherwise.

Young primary school kids do seem to live in a social whirl. From your last post it seems that any relationships your DD made pre school haven't continued. It might be that the other kids in the class did pair up pre school. This might take a bit of work to repair but it would be well worth it - and hopefully the school will do their bit too.

JoW123

Hi, this is obviously a very sensitive issue for you especially as you have had postnatal depression and agoraphobia to cope with aswell as being a single parent. I am also a single parent but with 2 children who's dad left when they were 4 and 7 (3 and a half years ago). My daughter was just in reception although she had a close friend from the school nursery she had attended.

I was initailly very anxious that other people would look down on me being on my own, that they would look at my house and decide it wasn't as tidy as theirs etc etc but I realised that indeed this was not true when one of the mums said she has so much admiration for me coping on my own!! What I am trying to say is that I agree with the others about inviting one child at a time round. You will find that she gets on well with some and you like their mums/dads and then others may come onece and not again 'cos it doesn't work so well. Social activities are great but its the time spent at home and at other children's houses that really helps. Get some craft stuff and let them make things or do a bit of baking together. I find all girls enjoy those things to some extent.

I don't think confused meant to upset you either. It's difficult to get things across properly on a forum. You are obviously a good mum or else you wouldn't be asking for advice here.

krustylouise

OllysMum wrote: »

It is very difficult finding time for everything.

I would echo the idea of having a friend over for a few hours on a Saturday (or a school holiday day if you're off work). It is likely to be appreciated by that child's parent and hopefully the favour would be returned. Also, I always found that having two children to look after much easier than one because they amuse each other, so I could quite often get things done that I wouldn't otherwise.

Young primary school kids do seem to live in a social whirl. From your last post it seems that any relationships your DD made pre school haven't continued. It might be that the other kids in the class did pair up pre school. This might take a bit of work to repair but it would be well worth it - and hopefully the school will do their bit too.

Thank you. Yes I have already asked DD if she would like someone over and who, so we're on the right track, it's just a matter of catching their parents now as they all swap and change about who picks whose kids up!

krustylouise

JoW123 wrote: »

Hi, this is obviously a very sensitive issue for you especially as you have had postnatal depression and agoraphobia to cope with aswell as being a single parent. I am also a single parent but with 2 children who's dad left when they were 4 and 7 (3 and a half years ago). My daughter was just in reception although she had a close friend from the school nursery she had attended.

I was initailly very anxious that other people would look down on me being on my own, that they would look at my house and decide it wasn't as tidy as theirs etc etc but I realised that indeed this was not true when one of the mums said she has so much admiration for me coping on my own!! What I am trying to say is that I agree with the others about inviting one child at a time round. You will find that she gets on well with some and you like their mums/dads and then others may come onece and not again 'cos it doesn't work so well. Social activities are great but its the time spent at home and at other children's houses that really helps. Get some craft stuff and let them make things or do a bit of baking together. I find all girls enjoy those things to some extent.

I don't think confused meant to upset you either. It's difficult to get things across properly on a forum. You are obviously a good mum or else you wouldn't be asking for advice here.

Thank you for your comments. I will ask DD what she would like to do in order for me to prepare so its not a right mess and the kids don't get bored!

FBaby

Please please please, don't take the following in the wrong way as it isn't intended to be negative at all. I totally understand the pain your are feeling for your daughter. One think I have picked up from your initial thread is the teacher saying that your daughter could be a bit rough with the other kids. This alone could be the reason why she is rejected.

It might have become a cycle, she is rejected, she is becoming more overbearing to be integrated, she is more rejected. If that is the case, it is imperative that you tackle it quickly. Don't rely on the teacher taking it upon herself to do something proactive about it. Even if she cares, even if she can see it, it won't be her priority. As long as the children are not actually bullying your daughter, she is unlikely to dedicate too much time trying to insure your daughter is well integrated. You need to understand more the behaviour of your daughter and to politely and respectfully insist with the teacher that she helps with the issue, with for example, intervening when your daughter tries to mix in a group. She can't force the kids to be friends with her, only to be friendly, but she can help your daughter mixing with them.

Do you have friends with children her age? Have you notice your daughter being rough with other children too? What did the teacher mean by this? Can you ask her to mention specific events that you could then discuss with your daughter. Maybe she is a little rough at times but totally unaware of it? How does she integrate with groups outside of school?

It is really hard to be the only one without friends at school and your daughter is lovely I'm sure, so you really need to work with the teacher to find out why she isn't making friends as she wished. Don't let it go by hoping it will get better on its own.

FBaby

Just wanted to add that I also became a single mum when my kids were 3 1/2 and 18 months and I too wondered whether this would have an impact on mixing with other mums, but it didn't at all and a few of closest friends became so because they were parents of my kids' friends. I built a network of friends through nursery and school which really helped during the holidays. The parents trusted me like any other of their friends and I looked after their kids and vice-versa. I don't think I would have cope so well with being a full-time working single mum without that network.

krustylouise

FBaby wrote: »

Please please please, don't take the following in the wrong way as it isn't intended to be negative at all. I totally understand the pain your are feeling for your daughter. One think I have picked up from your initial thread is the teacher saying that your daughter could be a bit rough with the other kids. This alone could be the reason why she is rejected.

It might have become a cycle, she is rejected, she is becoming more overbearing to be integrated, she is more rejected. If that is the case, it is imperative that you tackle it quickly. Don't rely on the teacher taking it upon herself to do something proactive about it. Even if she cares, even if she can see it, it won't be her priority. As long as the children are not actually bullying your daughter, she is unlikely to dedicate too much time trying to insure your daughter is well integrated. You need to understand more the behaviour of your daughter and to politely and respectfully insist with the teacher that she helps with the issue, with for example, intervening when your daughter tries to mix in a group. She can't force the kids to be friends with her, only to be friendly, but she can help your daughter mixing with them.

Do you have friends with children her age? Have you notice your daughter being rough with other children too? What did the teacher mean by this? Can you ask her to mention specific events that you could then discuss with your daughter. Maybe she is a little rough at times but totally unaware of it? How does she integrate with groups outside of school?

It is really hard to be the only one without friends at school and your daughter is lovely I'm sure, so you really need to work with the teacher to find out why she isn't making friends as she wished. Don't let it go by hoping it will get better on its own.

Hi,

Thank you for your comments - I didn't take them the wrong way at all as everything you have said I agree fully with. Yes DD can be rough, it's almost as if she doesn't know it's wrong, but she is slowly getting it into her thinking that its wrong, and is being much kinder, I introduced ballet as I thought this would help create discipline but also gentle interaction with other children. One trouble I face, is DD's dad, he wants DD to go to kick boxing, he gets her playing on fighting games on the comp and no matter how much I tell him this is not the behaviour of a little girl he just doesn't listen. It's really upsetting as I'm fighting a losing battle.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

krustylouise wrote: »

One trouble I face, is DD's dad, he wants DD to go to kick boxing, he gets her playing on fighting games on the comp and no matter how much I tell him this is not the behaviour of a little girl he just doesn't listen. It's really upsetting as I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'd be very concerned at this - are these fighting games age appropriate? What games? She's 5! No wonder she is rough and this IS impacting her social learning...he need to stop and stop this now.