Here we go again......

marisco_2

Wise words pigpen, politely and articulately put across.

timeou

Sorry I should have made it clear that the alcoholism is borne out of years of depression and anxiety - she used alcohol to calm her nerves as bizarrely she didn't want to take ADs in case she became addicted. Crazy.

Her mother spent her life on Valium and her father was a heavy drinker and died from liver cancer as a result but she still didn't see their mistakes and didnt have the self control to seek help for her depression and she was very volatile to be around when we were kids. Booze and cigarettes were her way of calming herself down when her nerves were shredded. She actually gave up smoking 5years ago so she had the willpower to do that but the drinking then reached higher levels - she was almost martyr like that she'd kicked the fags it was incredible.

I also should add that she's not blessed with much intelligence, was spoilt rotten and indulged by her parents and brought up to be extremely selfish. The only person that matters to my mother is herself.

marisco_2

Astounding that such a person has raised a daughter that she should be very proud of. Dont let her addiction to alcohol bring you down or affect your life. You deserve better than to suffer like that.

timeou

Thanks, I'm completely nothing like her at all, i think that was the fact that used to cause huge flashpoints as I was growing up as I was always to self assured, level headed, sensible, and mature and she seemed to hate the fact I had all these qualities and my life mapped out before me.

She was lovely to me when we were little but once we started growing and becoming independent then she couldn't control me any more. Im too much like my fathers side of the family in looks and ways and that used to bug her. I was the child yet she was the screaming banshee having tantrums over everything. I left as soon as I could and built a lovely life for myself but still can't seem to walk away completely.

I understand its down to her mental health and low intelligence but fail to understand how she couldn't recognise that she was feeling this way and get help. Her personality has a great deal to do with it, like I said she's always been very selfish and spoiled by her parents then by my father who just jumped if she clapped her hands. He stood by and let her drive me out at 17 and he's kowtowed to her all his married life. Two weak people who should never have been thrown together I guess. As is usual in families it's very complex with people's strengths and weaknesses shaping their lives...

marisco_2

It is refreshing to know that for once such a vicious cycle of abuse, in this case against alcohol, will not be repeated by the next generation. Your intelligience and strength of character have enabled you to walk away, at an extremely early age, from such destructive influences. You are now carving out a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, which is to be commended.

If you dont feel able to walk away completely that is fair enough. I am sure you are more than capable of dealing with this in your own way.

j-josie

My friend went into residential rehab about 10 years ago...but I think the deal was that she had to have been 'off' alcohol for a few weeks before hand, to show a commitment to sobering up.

So Your mum may not be able to go to a unit until she can convince the services that she is actively trying to stop.

Your description of your mum in hospital brought back memories of my friend - she was drinking again within 2 weeks of the 6 month residential rehab stay. She died from complete organ failure at 36. To see the power of alcoholism close up completely changed my rather puritan views on it - in the end I could see that it had completely taken her over - she was not going to change even though she knew it was going to kill her...and I had to accept that nothing I did was going to change that. So instead of trying to support, bully, cajole her into changing ( we tried every tack..) all I could do was be around to support her family when the inevitable happened.

I think you need to reach that level of acceptance. You can't make your mum 'better' if she doesn't want to change

timeou

Thanks very much, it's helped enormously this afternoon in being able to offload my thoughts. Yes, this is where this families problems will stop hopefully. I do worry that it will skip a generation and my kids will find themselves with the depression gene but I'm hoping that the way I'm bringing them up will avoid this. I've been open and honest with the pair of them (age 12 and 10) about their nan and I've explained, especially to the eldest that this is what addiction to any substance ends up like.

ciderwithrosie_2

katy721 wrote: »

Does he realise he is actually killing her by buying her the alcohol? Yes it gives him an easier life short-term, but he is also drastically reducing her life expectancy

Maybe on a subconscious level this is what he wants as he hasn't got the strength to walk away - horrible thought I know, but it does go on.

timeou

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

Maybe on a subconscious level this is what he wants as he hasn't got the strength to walk away - horrible thought I know, but it does go on.

I do too. I know he's fed up with the daily rows if he doesn't buy it. And he has to go buy it as shes agoraphobic too. She'll slam doors, shout, swear, rant, say foul things until He says 'b****y have it, you won't be happy till you've killed yourself' and she's won, yet again. You can see him shaking with tension himself, he's 63 and doesn't need the stress.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

timeou wrote: »

Thanks very much, it's helped enormously this afternoon in being able to offload my thoughts. Yes, this is where this families problems will stop hopefully. I do worry that it will skip a generation and my kids will find themselves with the depression gene but I'm hoping that the way I'm bringing them up will avoid this. I've been open and honest with the pair of them (age 12 and 10) about their nan and I've explained, especially to the eldest that this is what addiction to any substance ends up like.

Don't think that this was genetic or in any way inevitable.

She didn't become alcoholic because she was a bit stressed. she became an alcoholic because she chose to drink to avoid/escape her responsibilities & problems rather than get medication to sort them - because antidepressants aren't as much fun as alcohol - and she became more depressed because she was choosing to drink rather than get it treated.


It's very easy for someone who has encountered the AA helplessness paradigm to give any manner of excuse for their behaviour, but the fact remains, every alcoholic chooses to have that first drink and chooses to continue drinking at the expense of everything around them. They do get the point where there is a physical dependence, but it's the element of personal choice that keeps them drinking after they've dried out. And in your parent's case, your father chose to have her drinking again every single day he bought her some more.


Out of interest, what would happen if he were to stay at yours and not go back there? Willing to bet she'd forget all about the agoraphobia then. Mind you, all he has to do is tell the hospital she isn't coming back indoors again and they'd have to find somewhere more appropriate for a terminally ill woman.