Here we go again......

timeou

My mother is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember - I am 40 so its a long time. She is in the vicious cycle of anxiety / depression / insomnia / drinking going round and round and round.

3 years ago she went into complete kidney and liver failure and we were told to expect the worst. After 3 weeks in hospital though she was discharged but within 6 months was back in the destructive cycle. She genuinely thought they had fixed everything so it was ok to start drinking again - she started with small dilute amounts but within a few months was back to 1/2 a bottle of strong spirits a day. She doesnt leave the house but My father is her enabler - buying the alcohol for an easy life as she is pure evil if she doesnt get any.

When she is drinking there is no getting through to her - she won't accept help, wont see doctors or health professionals or listen to me, family or anyone else. I have tried all approches - shouting / being nice to her / begging / pleading / ignoring her / telling her she wont see her grandchildren but nothing works. She doesnt think she has a problem and says it her life and she can do what she wants with it.

Anyway, cut to week last Friday - get a call from my father - she is weak, hasnt eaten for days, is yellow and going downhill fast. I ring doctor but she rants at doctor and says she doesnt want intervention. Doctor leaves is pretty disinterested unless she is willing to accept help. Last Tuesday father callss 999 as she becomes incoherent and unable to get out of bed. Taken to hospital and I visit Wednesday to see one of the most horrific sights ever.

Like an alien in the bed, just skin and bone, bright yellow, eyes sunken, bleeding from around the eyes. Drowsy, hallucinating, she was hooked up to a saline drip and albumin plus they had her on lactulose to flush her system of toxins and she's running yellow out of her constantly. I left believeing she wouldnt last the night. She did and yesterday I visited again so see her much improved - still yellow but far less dehydrated and she's coherent and can talk ok but still very weak.

They did a liver ultrasound but we've not had the results yet but nurses say she's coming along well.

I'm already thinking that if she continues to improve as she is in a week or two as long as she's clinically well they will want to discharge her.

And so to my question - where do we go from here? I have explained to father that if she comes back home within weeks she will be back in the old routine and so will he - buying her daily alcohol then going off and doing his thing so they both have an easy life. I want to see her going into residential rehab to completely break the cycle of sitting in front of the telly all day long with a bottle at her side.

How common is it to be able to get a place in a residential rehab section? How do we go about getting it as I know that as soon as shes home and in her comfort zone she will cancel any people that would come to the house for counselling and she wont leave the house to go to sessions. Its very difficult - any suggestions?

londonsurrey

They're in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Unfortunately, unless she wants help, she can't be helped.

He's her enabler, as you've pointed out, getting her alcohol. Him calling you when she gets very bad is just him trying to shove responsibility onto someone else when it's so bad that even he can't keep on denying it.

Again, unfortunately, unless he actually wants help or out of the cycle, he can't be helped. It sounds like he'll always just go for the easiest minimum, rather than make adult decisions.

pigpen

There is nothing you can do. She wants to live like this, she must like it for some reason. I have absolutely no sympathy for people who abuse themselves with drugs or alcohol.. it is a lifestyle choice not something you wake up one morning craving.. noone forces it down their throat they do it willingly and knowingly. I have a parent, several uncles and cousins with drink problems so I knowhow it feels. OHs mum andn sister binger drink for days at a time.. it is just vulgar.

It is common for family to buy alcohol for them.. it saves the £30 taxi fee when they ring the taxi and ask them to stop at the offy and buy 25 bottles of whisky.

Next time he calls I'd say I was busy and would to see her in the hospital when I get time.. he may realise you are not going to go running when he has watched her get to a stupid state.

It is so crappy for the people who have to watch loved ones do this to themselves.. I'd have taken pics of her at her worst to show her before they discharge her and get all my gripes off my chest them pass the responsibility back to her. She isn't going to change but you will have got out what you need to and she will have been sober enough to hear it.

(((bigs hugs for you)))

timeou

Thanks - the whole situation is so complex though. My father has had one hell of a life with her and years ago realised that it was easier to let her have her own way. I left home at 17 as I couldnt take any more metal abuse and I now only visit rarely but we've all stuck by her - I said the last time it happened that I wouldnt get involved but its not fair on father to have to deal with it all on his own so here I am again making 2 hour round trips to the hospital - why I wonder myself at times, others would have cut their ties long ago.

Perhaps we all need congnitive therapy too.

Residential rehab I think is her and my fathers only hope of breaking the cycle they are in - I just hope she can get it.

BitterAndTwisted

The only way of getting a residential rehab place is enquiring while she is in hospital. Once she's back home being fed alcohol it will be difficult. But she will only get a place if she is the person wanting it.

From what you describe of this and the past episode, she'll be lucky if she's got any healthy liver left. Is your father aware that if she's discharged from hospital now it might for for the very last time?

londonsurrey

timeou wrote: »

Thanks - the whole situation is so complex though. My father has had one hell of a life with her and years ago realised that it was easier to let her have her own way. I left home at 17 as I couldnt take any more metal abuse and I now only visit rarely but we've all stuck by her - I said the last time it happened that I wouldnt get involved but its not fair on father to have to deal with it all on his own

No, it's not fair that his wife is an alcoholic, but he is an adult capable of making his own choices, and he's chosen to stay with her, and he's chosen to enable her, so he's not actually helpless or innocent in this

timeou wrote: »

so here I am again making 2 hour round trips to the hospital - why I wonder myself at times, others would have cut their ties long ago.

Perhaps we all need congnitive therapy too.

Actually, that sounds very sane. It is a mess, and although you're trying to be helpful, if you go running every time he calls, you are subtly enabling him. For a start, why does he have to call you to get the doctor? He doesn't do that to get the alcohol to her, and that involves more work.

timeou wrote: »

Residential rehab I think is her and my fathers only hope of breaking the cycle they are in - I just hope she can get it.

That sounds like a wonderful scenario with a possible happy outcome. However, it requires her to want it, not you to want it.

BitterAndTwisted

Sorry, but I'd have thrown in the towel and left them to their own devices a very long time ago.

Mojisola

timeou wrote: »

My mother is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember - I am 40 so its a long time. She is in the vicious cycle of anxiety / depression / insomnia / drinking going round and round and round.

I have explained to father that if she comes back home within weeks she will be back in the old routine and so will he - buying her daily alcohol then going off and doing his thing so they both have an easy life.

I want to see her going into residential rehab to completely break the cycle of sitting in front of the telly all day long with a bottle at her side.

It will be hard but I would just step away from the situation.

You might want her to go to rehab and get well but, unless it's her choice, it won't go any good. Even then, once she gets out, the chances are very high that she will revert to her old ways.

Your Dad could have left her but he chose to stay and take the route of keeping her happy. That's his choice.

If addicted people realised the pain they cause the people who loved them, maybe they would change but they rarely see beyond their own wants.

Wellyboots6

http://www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/concerned-about-alcohol

Call Drinkline and ask for the tier 3 service in your area.

As others have said, they will only work with her if she wants it and puts up a bit of a fight to get it, otherwise it would be a waste of funds as it wouldn't work. They may also expect your dad to get help to change his behaviour which is enabling her to stay in this vicious cycle.

Does he realise he is actually killing her by buying her the alcohol? Yes it gives him an easier life short-term, but he is also drastically reducing her life expectancy

Mojisola

There's a fine line between giving an addict time and help and enabling them.

Most times, an addict has to reach rock-bottom before they make the decision to change their lives. If people keep rescuing them, they never have to face up to what they are doing to themselves.

timeou

I've heard the phrase about reaching rock bottom many times before but how much lower does she need to go than almost total liver failure, being about 6 stones in weight and genuinely looking like a yellow version of Zelda from Terrahawks....

I just don't know what her stop trigger will be, maybe she won't have one.