Divorce, Finances & Emotional Blackmail

mgdavid

Court will consider that she should seek work once the youngest child is 5; if work is not found then JSA is claimed and paid.
OP you need to get a grip of this situation; as others have said you cannot run 2 homes as cheap as one so something - lots of things - have to give. Lots of good advice on here so far; do your research, start mediation, get legal advice.

SINKINGFEELING

Thanks to everyone who's responded. There's a common theme running through most of the posts here and some good advice too.

I'm going to seek financial advice and get a better understanding of what conditional agreements can be drawn in to any legal agreements, i.e. certain payments ceasing/decreasing once new partners move in, or when the ex starts earning above a certain threshold etc. If I continue to pay the mortgage I would like to see 50% of the equity retained for myself as well - not that I'm holding out for much luck on any of this.

It really feels like a catch 22 - if I don't cover the basic costs of running the household, then I affect their lives, whereas if I pay all that is deemed essential (in her eyes) then there is no encouragement to get back to work.

It is frustrating that after years of being spoken to like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe and humiliated in front of friends and with a complete disregard for everything I actively changed in our lives to improve our lives when times got bad financially, emotionally or physically, I end up being the one that could potentially get screwed the most - I'm not belittling the impact this will obviously have on her life, and I really genuinely do want her to find happiness with this new guy, but there does need to be a big reality check here for us both if only for the kids sake.

Thanks again and Ill be sure to post anything of interest that I discover whilst I dig deeper in to this messy situation.

FBaby

It really feels like a catch 22 - if I don't cover the basic costs of running the household, then I affect their lives, whereas if I pay all that is deemed essential (in her eyes) then there is no encouragement to get back to work.

It's not a catch 22, her basic costs ARE already being covered by the benefits she is entitled too. It might mean that she is left with little for luxuries, but are you saying that you want to fund her luxuries?

Maintenance is not taken into account for benefit purpose. That means that she will be entitled to what she needs for her everyday cost AND the large amount you will still have to pay in maintenance even if it is only 15% of your income. If that covers all your child's needs, she will have all the benefits she can claim BECAUSE she is a parent for herself.

What it comes down to is how much do you want to keep her in the lifestyle she was used to? And for how long?

kingfisherblue

Your ex will be able to claim income support, council tax benefit and child tax credits. Once the youngest turns five, income support will cease, but she will get JSA instead. If she finds work, she will receive working tax credits as well as her wage if her income is below about £17500 a year. She may also still receive some council tax benefit, even if working.

When on IS or JSA, school meals will be free and in some areas, she will receive a grant towards uniforms. In my area, it is about £29 per primary aged child, which is usually sufficient to pay for supermarket brands.

She will also receive free prescriptions, possibly SMI (which pays towards the interest on the mortgage) and possibly something towards ground rent if it is a leasehold property (my ground rent is £9 a year and I get 18p a week towards this).

On top of all this, and not counted for benefit purposes, is any maintenance you pay. I suggest that you pay the recommended 20%, but maybe give extra if you can afford it. You may want to give extra for certain items such as shoes, school trips, or days out. One way of doing this is to save an additional amount each month and give from that if needed.

I would definitely take legal advice as otherwise she could fleece you. I would also ask for advice regarding the family home if she moves a new man in. My circumstances are quite specific, but at the moment I live in the family home with our three children. If I move a man in, a 'trigger' is reached and the house has to be sold, with any profits split 50/50. There are other triggers, but my case is different to yours and they wouldn't be relevant here. It is called a Mesher Order, and although I believe that they are not as common as they once were, they an be appropriate in some circumstances.

I hope that you manage to sort things out, but be prepared for a bumpy ride.

margaretclare

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who's responded. There's a common theme running through most of the posts here and some good advice too.

I'm going to seek financial advice and get a better understanding of what conditional agreements can be drawn in to any legal agreements, i.e. certain payments ceasing/decreasing once new partners move in, or when the ex starts earning above a certain threshold etc. If I continue to pay the mortgage I would like to see 50% of the equity retained for myself as well - not that I'm holding out for much luck on any of this.

It really feels like a catch 22 - if I don't cover the basic costs of running the household, then I affect their lives, whereas if I pay all that is deemed essential (in her eyes) then there is no encouragement to get back to work.

It is frustrating that after years of being spoken to like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe and humiliated in front of friends and with a complete disregard for everything I actively changed in our lives to improve our lives when times got bad financially, emotionally or physically, I end up being the one that could potentially get screwed the most - I'm not belittling the impact this will obviously have on her life, and I really genuinely do want her to find happiness with this new guy, but there does need to be a big reality check here for us both if only for the kids sake.

Thanks again and Ill be sure to post anything of interest that I discover whilst I dig deeper in to this messy situation.

I feel desperately sorry for you, and the remarks highlighted above ring so many loud bells with me from when my (now) DH was in a similar position regarding money being demanded, although - thankfully - slightly older and no dependent children involved. I was only the 'port in a storm', not the cause of the break-up, but I saw and heard it all after he left and during the bitter divorce proceedings.

No practical help apart from what has been said already. And I agree that women like this give the rest of my sex a bad name.

Mojisola

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who's responded. There's a common theme running through most of the posts here and some good advice too.

I'm going to seek financial advice and get a better understanding of what conditional agreements can be drawn in to any legal agreements, i.e. certain payments ceasing/decreasing once new partners move in, or when the ex starts earning above a certain threshold etc. If I continue to pay the mortgage I would like to see 50% of the equity retained for myself as well - not that I'm holding out for much luck on any of this.

It really feels like a catch 22 - if I don't cover the basic costs of running the household, then I affect their lives, whereas if I pay all that is deemed essential (in her eyes) then there is no encouragement to get back to work.

As your ex is obviously not the nicest of people, do contact one the fathers' support groups. If she is already emotionally blackmailing you in this way, you could be looking at years of battles ahead. Get people with experience on your side!

The children have two parents and both of you are responsible for their welfare - if you're not living together, it's not all down to you to provide for them.

She isn't your responsibility any more and you certainly need to make sure you're not supporting her new man!

Pee

It may just be that your ex feels that this is what she is entitled to because her legal knowledge or knowledge of the real world extends to reading an article about Paul McCartney's divorce settlement. It may be one of her friends who has an expansive knowledge of this. Once she speaks to a solicitor and is given a more realistic picture, you may find she becomes a lot more reasonable. (I hope so.)

marisco_2

You know your wife best of course but I would hope she wouldn't keep telling you how the kids will suffer if you dont meet her demands. You are not a couple any longer and she needs to accept that if she wishes to maintain her current standard of living then she should also contribute financially.

In the next year your youngest will start school. This would enable some free time in which your wife could take on a job. I am not suggesting that she should return to work full time but I do think she could show willing in finding employment and contributing towards the cost of raising you children.

The costs and responsibilities of raising children should be a joint effort even when a couple splits up. Not left solely to one of them.

mumps

Reading the replies people seem to take the OPs side with one or two supporting the ex. Maybe we could look at it from the children's point of view? They have been used to a good standard of living? If mom thinks and dad agreeds that he could provide £2.7k a month I think it is fair to assume the children haven't gone without. Now suddenly daddy is gone, mom is probably not happy, there isn't as much money for the things they enjoy (maybe riding lessons, nice clothes, meals out or whatever). Not all children get these things but if these children are used to them they will feel the loss. Add to all this mom starts working, jobs round school hours aren't easy to find and even if you do find them there is usually a problem is school holidays so now they have the change of being dropped of at a childminders or breakfast/after school club.

I am not saying any of the above is the end of the world but none of it is of their choosing, they have no say in the matter. I would think a loving father would want their lives to be disrupted as little as possible.

Divorce and finances are always difficult, emotional blackmail is all too likely to be effective as OP is probably feeling guilty about leaving the children anyway. There aren't any winners here.

Lunar_Eclipse

Your wife is asking for a considerable sum of money, but it is hard to pass comment without knowing your income level. Whilst she may legally only be entitled to the 20% child maintenance figure already mentioned on this thread, it is possible that a court will order you to pay spousal maintenance.

I know three women who have divorced within the past year. One has always been a working parent who just receives maintenance, the other two have always been SAHMs, who were also awarded spousal maintenance, so that their lifestyle is not hugely disadvantaged through the marriage breakdown (neither of which they instigated or had choice over, although I believe circumstances surrounding the separation have no bearing on financial settlement.)