Divorce, Finances & Emotional Blackmail

19lottie82

NAR wrote: »

£2700 a month is ludicrous.

agreed, its the same as a 44k salary!

BitterAndTwisted

If she's intent on screwing over two and a half grand out of you a month and you don't cough up, of course she's going to try to blackmail you with the old "the kids will suffer" rubbish.

How about this one: you're now separated, so she's going to need to provide some of the household income for herself now, either by working or claiming single-parent benefits. You're not an investment banker and she's not a trophy wife.

silvercar

If she's intent on screwing over two and a half grand out of you a month and you don't cough up, of course she's going to try to blackmail you with the old "the kids will suffer" rubbish.

On the face of it, if you don't top up her benefits to the income level she had when you were together, then there will be less money in her household so the kids will suffer.

The blackmail angle works the other way too. If you can't agree and CSA get involved, she will get 20% of your net income.

[Deleted User]

msb5262 wrote: »

What a brilliant post, bailey. :T

Aww, thank you! (Shame its from experience though). I just could relate to the OP as I'm still "living" this and its all still quite fresh.

Gigglepig

How much is your take home pay op? How much can you afford to pay? I would focus on

1) the legal minimum contribution (20%) and in addition
2) any payments you need to make to protect your own credit rating, and towards shared mortgages etc , and
3) paying for additional activities /lessons, private school fees if applicable, and expensive items such as laptops, bikes, school trips ... Basically whatever you think is reasonable to give your kids the best possible lifestyle. Save for uni fees, house deposit, marriages... all those extra costs that are about giving one's kids the best possible chance, just like you would have if you were still married.

It saddens me how many non resident parents come to the boards asking what the absolute minimum is they can get away with, and it is nice you are not one of those!

I would set up two separate standing orders, one for the csa legal minimum, and another for any 'extras'. Some things like mortgage it is better to pay directly.

Mojisola

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

my main concern is that the sustainability of such a massive commitment for at least the next 14 years just isn't reasonable or realistic and yet I'm constantly told that its the kids who will suffer and they are at an age where none of this will make sense when I try reasoning with them individually.

The children will also "suffer" if Dad doesn't have a home where they can come and spend nights with him and if he doesn't have enough money to do things with them when they stay!

It's not possible to run two households for the same price as one. Everyone will have to accept a lower standard of living for the time being.

Make a start with the CSA levels and tell her to claim whatever benefits she's entitled to and then you can pay clubs and such like directly so that you know the money is spent on them.

clearingout

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

However, my ex does not work and has not properly worked for many many years now. I understand having children means you have an option to not go back to full time work if the main breadwinner can support this, but now that we have separated I am being told that this is the life that I have to keep them accustomed to.

So, the situation and advice I'm looking for relates to the amount of money that is expected of me to support my kids when living with a mother who is out of work and not of a mindset to get back in to full time work.

I've been asked by my ex (no legal involvement at this stage) to provide a rough total of £2.7k a month to cover all household bill, mortgage, food/clothes for kids and general subscriptions for tv, internet etc. I just don't know how to push back on this without constantly being told that it's the kids who will suffer and it was my decision to leave so I have to live with this.
Reading other posts I see people saying £800 a month for two kids is massive, so surely what I'm being asked for is just insane...isn't it?

I know eventually we'll get to the mediation side of things and she will get a shock as to how much I'm legally obliged to pay her. I assume the courts will tell her she needs to seek out full time work if she is fit and able to and I know ultimately that she will turn nasty and bitter and this in itself could end up in huge solicitor fees as we battle it out - which ironically is taking all that money away from both of us ultimately!!

How on earth do I handle this. I want to ensure my kids are not impacted by the separation. I don't want to end up being blamed for all of the mini-luxuries they are used to being taken away because "daddy refuses to pay for them".

You are under no legal obligation to pay more than the CSA says you should pay. And if you're self employed, you can probably get that down to nothing.

If you have agreed to your ex not working for years, why she would suddenly be expected, by the courts or anyone else, to find fulltime work and manage the care of the children and everything else is beyond me. With a sympathetic judge, it is you who is in for a shock.

Your ex will be expected to maximise her income - but how that is defined varies depending on who you are. She will be expected to look for work but if she wants to find work that fits around the children, that would be permissible. You should seriously consider what her qualifications and experience are, how long she hasn't worked, and what period of time she may need to get her skills up to date/re-qualify in order to be able to work full-time if she chooses that.

And you don't know anything at all . You have no idea whether or not your ex will turn 'nasty and bitter'. It is not a pre-requisite. Many ex-wives manage to get on with their lives without any nastiness or bitterness whatsoever. Indeed, she may well be perfectly happy with how life is working out. In my experience, if all you want to see is bitterness, that's all that you'll see. Open your eyes and you may well find things will be easier than you're expecting.

Treevo

clearingout wrote: »

You are under no legal obligation to pay more than the CSA says you should pay. And if you're self employed, you can probably get that down to nothing.

If you have agreed to your ex not working for years, why she would suddenly be expected, by the courts or anyone else, to find fulltime work and manage the care of the children and everything else is beyond me. With a sympathetic judge, it is you who is in for a shock.

Your ex will be expected to maximise her income - but how that is defined varies depending on who you are. She will be expected to look for work but if she wants to find work that fits around the children, that would be permissible. You should seriously consider what her qualifications and experience are, how long she hasn't worked, and what period of time she may need to get her skills up to date/re-qualify in order to be able to work full-time if she chooses that.

And you don't know anything at all . You have no idea whether or not your ex will turn 'nasty and bitter'. It is not a pre-requisite. Many ex-wives manage to get on with their lives without any nastiness or bitterness whatsoever. Indeed, she may well be perfectly happy with how life is working out. In my experience, if all you want to see is bitterness, that's all that you'll see. Open your eyes and you may well find things will be easier than you're expecting.

Divorce. I should have thought that was obvious.

Tigsteroonie

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

I know ultimately that she will turn nasty and bitter and this in itself could end up in huge solicitor fees as we battle it out - which ironically is taking all that money away from both of us ultimately!!

Costs are rarely awarded against the other party in the Financial Proceedings part of divorce, so if she wants to run up a huge legal bill, that will be her problem. You don't even have to use a solicitor, you can represent yourself ("litigant in person") though I cannot advise you on which would be better for your circumstances.

I would suggest that you wander over to the Wikivorce website, have a read of their guides about divorce & financial proceedings, and then perhaps pose detailed questions in their active forum.

DaisyFlower

Remind her that she created the children as well so should also be responsible for their support.

Work out the CSA rate, tell her she should match it (having children doesnt suddenly render you incapable of working), add on her CTC and CB and it will be more than enough to cover food, clothing etc for them.

If the mortgage is joint, then 50% of this could be worth paying to keep your credit rating until its sold unless she has already claimed mortgage assistance from the state.

Spousal maintainence is rare, you make no mention of her giving up a high flying careerin order to support you in yours so the courts would expect her to work.

Women like this give others a bad name.