Divorce, Finances & Emotional Blackmail

Mojisola

It is frustrating that after years of being spoken to like something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe and humiliated in front of friends and with a complete disregard for everything I actively changed in our lives to improve our lives when times got bad financially, emotionally or physically, I end up being the one that could potentially get screwed the most - I'm not belittling the impact this will obviously have on her life, and I really genuinely do want her to find happiness with this new guy, but there does need to be a big reality check here for us both if only for the kids sake.
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Alchemilla wrote: »

I am afraid that it is bound to have some detrimental impact on them.

I don't think growing up in a household seeing their father treated as described would be very good for them.

The children might not have all the material things they enjoyed before the split but they may get to see their father happier in his life.

Alchemilla

I didn't mean material things. That is why I didnt comment on the spousal maintenance issue.

SINKINGFEELING

Ironically the fear of how this impacts the kids has reduced slightly of late as I can now have dedicated time with them each weekend - no more lists of endless jobs, all the shopping saved up for me to do on a weekend etc It's now quality time that they never had before as I'm happier in many ways (councelling has helped to strengthen me up again and get a bit more self-belief back) and this happiness plus the dedicated time is making our bond stronger in many respects.

I know its not all perfect for them at all, but with a happier mummy (due to new bloke) and a happier daddy, I hope that as they get older they'll understand and appreciate the reasons for separation. Neither of us are nasty horrible people, but the dynamics in our relationship and amount of bad habits and dominating factors that I had to contend with just had to change or stop completely.....after more than 5 years of trying to change them, there was only one answer left....but making sure that my financial commitments are flexible based on my fluctuation in income is a priority (secondary to my kids of course) to ensure that they continue to have a good life and relationship with me when they are with me - as long as I can afford to give them what they need for a roof over their head and everything that goes with it, I will, but there needs to be some encouragement from somewhere to get my ex back in to work and keeping her paid for isn't necessarily an incentive.

RAS

OK, so you might want to start by recording the time when you are with the children and taking photos of this activity. Get a record behind you showing them happy with you so she cannot say they hate being with you; get a record of the amount of time she is currently happy to agree to and then try to extend this. Try to do this in e-mails so you have a record of the discussion.

Then if she plays silly bs you have evidence to support a contact order.

By the way, once the honey moon is over, what are the chance that the new bloke will be spoken to like something on the bottom of her shoe? The kids will see the pattern.

FBaby

RAS wrote: »

OK, so you might want to start by recording the time when you are with the children and taking photos of this activity. Get a record behind you showing them happy with you so she cannot say they hate being with you; get a record of the amount of time she is currently happy to agree to and then try to extend this. Try to do this in e-mails so you have a record of the discussion.

Then if she plays silly bs you have evidence to support a contact order.

By the way, once the honey moon is over, what are the chance that the new bloke will be spoken to like something on the bottom of her shoe? The kids will see the pattern.

100% agree with this.

Thegirl

Well done on being willing to pay over and above to help this your family through this change. You leaving has obviously has a huge impact on the children and, regardless of the fact I think you are being fleeced, you can at least be sure that nothing else in their lifestyle is changing other than you and their mother no longer being together.

However, divorce often leaves both parties worse off than they were during marriage. That is a fact and both of your lifestyles will be markedly different, as you appear to already be experiencing.

You need to price up how much it will cost you to live in a property you can have the children in and maintain a reasonable standard of living. That is how much you need. Then you can look at what you have left and think about what you need to give your wife. 20% of your income is the starting point. Clearly you are going to be a gent and offer in excess of this in order to leave the children, and I mean your children and not your wife, in a position as close to that which they are used to as you are able to.

Whilst her £2,700 seems excessive, we don't know your income, although from what you've said you don't have a huge amount left over so I'm going to assume you're not tkaing home more than double that. If she says she needs that much and you are willing to help her in the intrim with this then she should be taking off all of the benefits she receives and asking for you to top up the in between. Because she will be receiving at least a grand in benefits on top of what you are giving her. That's some nice spending money.

The reality is that she does not need £2,700 a month, she would like £2,700 a month. Once this goes to court she will not be awarded £2,700 a month, this is regardless of what her friends tell her (I'm in the midst of a divorce, the vast majority of the 'advice' I have received from friends has been absolute tosh).
As a self employed person you could, should you choose to be a swine, fiddle your income vastly downwards, leaving your disposable income a lot lower. She would then be awarded very little. You don't seem the swine type, but not everyone starts divorce that way.

Go to wikivorce and get some good advice-they gave me a very realistic and accurate, albeit for me bleak, reality check about my situation. For you the result will likely be much more positive. But eventually you need legal advice.

Good luck.

CuppaTea

Thegirl wrote: »

Well done on being willing to pay over and above to help this your family through this change. You leaving has obviously has a huge impact on the children and, regardless of the fact I think you are being fleeced, you can at least be sure that nothing else in their lifestyle is changing other than you and their mother no longer being together.

However, divorce often leaves both parties worse off than they were during marriage. That is a fact and both of your lifestyles will be markedly different, as you appear to already be experiencing.

You need to price up how much it will cost you to live in a property you can have the children in and maintain a reasonable standard of living. That is how much you need. Then you can look at what you have left and think about what you need to give your wife. 20% of your income is the starting point. Clearly you are going to be a gent and offer in excess of this in order to leave the children, and I mean your children and not your wife, in a position as close to that which they are used to as you are able to.

Whilst her £2,700 seems excessive, we don't know your income, although from what you've said you don't have a huge amount left over so I'm going to assume you're not tkaing home more than double that. If she says she needs that much and you are willing to help her in the intrim with this then she should be taking off all of the benefits she receives and asking for you to top up the in between. Because she will be receiving at least a grand in benefits on top of what you are giving her. That's some nice spending money.

The reality is that she does not need £2,700 a month, she would like £2,700 a month. Once this goes to court she will not be awarded £2,700 a month, this is regardless of what her friends tell her (I'm in the midst of a divorce, the vast majority of the 'advice' I have received from friends has been absolute tosh).
As a self employed person you could, should you choose to be a swine, fiddle your income vastly downwards, leaving your disposable income a lot lower. She would then be awarded very little. You don't seem the swine type, but not everyone starts divorce that way.

Go to wikivorce and get some good advice-they gave me a very realistic and accurate, albeit for me bleak, reality check about my situation. For you the result will likely be much more positive. But eventually you need legal advice.

Good luck.

Fantastic post!:T

neverdespairgirl

I don't think there are any absolute "this is ridiculous" figures. It's all down to the circumstances and how you've set your family up.

If (for example only) you're pulling in £500k a year, then £2.7k a month is really not enough for the standards you've decided to set for your family.

If your actual take-home pay is about £3k a month, it's completely impossible.

The reality of your situation is probably neither of those, of course. But I don't think anyone can say whether £2.7k a month is reasonable or otherwise without knowing what your income and expenses are at the moment.