Divorce, Finances & Emotional Blackmail

**Patty**

mumps wrote: »

Reading the replies people seem to take the OPs side with one or two supporting the ex. Maybe we could look at it from the children's point of view? They have been used to a good standard of living? If mom thinks and dad agreeds that he could provide £2.7k a month I think it is fair to assume the children haven't gone without. Now suddenly daddy is gone, mom is probably not happy, there isn't as much money for the things they enjoy (maybe riding lessons, nice clothes, meals out or whatever). Not all children get these things but if these children are used to them they will feel the loss. Add to all this mom starts working, jobs round school hours aren't easy to find and even if you do find them there is usually a problem is school holidays so now they have the change of being dropped of at a childminders or breakfast/after school club.

I am not saying any of the above is the end of the world but none of it is of their choosing, they have no say in the matter. I would think a loving father would want their lives to be disrupted as little as possible.

Divorce and finances are always difficult, emotional blackmail is all too likely to be effective as OP is probably feeling guilty about leaving the children anyway. There aren't any winners here.

The younger child is 4. I wouldn't think there's been much opportunity to become accustomed to nice clothes, horseriding & meals out really.

However, in divorce, it's vitally important to be honest with children involved and if that means a change in lifestyle, then so be it.

Maybe Dad could agree to contribute or provide shoes/school uniform/costs of future school trips on top of the CSA minmum? I know those were the things i struggled with.

mumps

**Patty** wrote: »

The younger child is 4. I wouldn't think there's been much opportunity to become accustomed to nice clothes, horseriding & meals out really.

However, in divorce, it's vitally important to be honest with children involved and if that means a change in lifestyle, then so be it.

Maybe Dad could agree to contribute or provide shoes/school uniform/costs of future school trips on top of the CSA minmum? I know those were the things i struggled with.

I have been watching my grandchildren going through it for the last two years, the younger one was 4 when the split happened. They have definitely been aware of the changes, miss things they used to have. I pay for somethings to ease the change.

Children might have to get used to a change in lifestyle, what I was pointing out was if dad can afford to pay £2,700 per month then maybe he should? Or at least pay more than CSA. After all he chose the change, the children didn't.

Mojisola

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

So, the situation and advice I'm looking for relates to the amount of money that is expected of me to support my kids when living with a mother who is out of work and not of a mindset to get back in to full time work.

I've been asked by my ex (no legal involvement at this stage) to provide a rough total of £2.7k a month to cover all household bill, mortgage, food/clothes for kids and general subscriptions for tv, internet etc.

I run my own company and to some extent know (as does my ex) that this amount, in the short term is just about doable albeit leaving me on a shoe string and ruling out any chance of me starting again should I meet someone who wants a family with me too, or has there own family that I need to start providing for too. In the long term I cannot commit to such a significant monthly debt. My income fluctuates when I move from client to client and is expected to drop significantly throughout the coming years ahead.

I know she is with another man who has a very low income and eventually, I'm sure, he'll be moving in to the house that I'm paying for...eating the food I'm paying for and keeping himself warm on the bills I pay for.

But this isn't my main concern....my main concern is that the sustainability of such a massive commitment for at least the next 14 years just isn't reasonable or realistic and yet I'm constantly told that its the kids who will suffer and they are at an age where none of this will make sense when I try reasoning with them individually.

mumps wrote: »

Children might have to get used to a change in lifestyle, what I was pointing out was if dad can afford to pay £2,700 per month then maybe he should? Or at least pay more than CSA. After all he chose the change, the children didn't.

It doesn't sound as if he can afford it.

He chose the change and not the children's mother who has another man?

mumps

Mojisola wrote: »

It doesn't sound as if he can afford it.

He chose the change and not the children's mother who has another man?

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

I've been very lucky that I haven't been vilified to them or blocked away from accessing them since making the decision to leave my ex.

I just don't know how to push back on this without constantly being told that it's the kids who will suffer and it was my decision to leave so I have to live with this.

I run my own company and to some extent know (as does my ex) that this amount, in the short term is just about doable albeit leaving me on a shoe string and ruling out any chance of me starting again should I meet someone who wants a family with me too, or has there own family that I need to start providing for too.

Maybe nice to prioritise supporting the children you have first, not saying you should never be able to move on but it is early days.

I know eventually we'll get to the mediation side of things and she will get a shock as to how much I'm legally oblied to pay her.

Perhaps, I know someone who got a shock when his ex got exactly what she wanted financially, no one, me included, could believe what the court decided.

I assumed from what he said he chose to leave, she could have met the other man after the split, he doesn't say that he left because of another man. He does say it is doable in the short term, well that would give the children a chance to adjust as well as their mother. It might be nice if the little one could settle into school before having to adjust to yet another chance.

NAR

And how is he going to afford to buy/rent a home that is suitable for his children to come and visit/stay? Fathers are entitled to have quality time with their children too!

Treevo

NAR wrote: »

And how is he going to afford to buy/rent a home that is suitable for his children to come and visit/stay? Fathers are entitled to have quality time with their children too!

Don't you know that men have to work all the hours God sends and live in poverty so their ex-wives can live in luxury?!

arbroath_lass

The OP can, of course, pay for many necessities, extras and clubs for his children without handing over the money to his ex.

mumps

NAR wrote: »

And how is he going to afford to buy/rent a home that is suitable for his children to come and visit/stay? Fathers are entitled to have quality time with their children too!

Well he is the one who said it is doable but would stop him affording another family, not this one. This time next year the little one is likely to be settled in at school, can't a father think of his kids for that short time?

I am proud of my son as he pays more than CSA rate, has his children two nights a week and pays for extras. He knows it won't last forever but you only get to be four once.

mildredalien

arbroath_lass wrote: »

The OP can, of course, pay for many necessities, extras and clubs for his children without handing over the money to his ex.

This is what I was going to say - OP you can always provide things for your children outside of the minimum maintenance you need to pay via CSA etc (and no-one says you necessarily need to pay the minimum). You could pay for clubs and activities, take them on holidays etc. However if you are paying most of your earnings to your ex and have little to live on yourself, you will have very little choice about what you can do with your children when they are with you, and no control over what she does with all that money.

I think you need to sit down with some legal/financial advice and work out what you can afford and would be happy to pay to your ex directly, what you may need in order to have your children regularly, and what you need to live reasonably.

Have you worked out any agreements over where they say or how often you see them yet? That could impact on what you want or need to pay your ex.

Alchemilla

OP I am not going to comment on the spousal maintenance issue but you have expressed the hope that your leaving will have no detrimental effect on your children.
I am afraid that it is bound to have some detrimental impact on them.