Divorce, Finances & Emotional Blackmail

SINKINGFEELING

I separated from my wife last year after many years of unhappiness. We have 2 beautiful kids between us, youngest being 4yrs. Both are loved dearly before and since the separation. In that sense I've been very lucky that I haven't been vilified to them or blocked away from accessing them since making the decision to leave my ex.

However, my ex does not work and has not properly worked for many many years now. I understand having children means you have an option to not go back to full time work if the main breadwinner can support this, but now that we have separated I am being told that this is the life that I have to keep them accustomed to.

So, the situation and advice I'm looking for relates to the amount of money that is expected of me to support my kids when living with a mother who is out of work and not of a mindset to get back in to full time work.

I've been asked by my ex (no legal involvement at this stage) to provide a rough total of £2.7k a month to cover all household bill, mortgage, food/clothes for kids and general subscriptions for tv, internet etc. I just don't know how to push back on this without constantly being told that it's the kids who will suffer and it was my decision to leave so I have to live with this.

I run my own company and to some extent know (as does my ex) that this amount, in the short term is just about doable albeit leaving me on a shoe string and ruling out any chance of me starting again should I meet someone who wants a family with me too, or has there own family that I need to start providing for too. In the long term I cannot commit to such a significant monthly debt. My income fluctuates when I move from client to client and is expected to drop significantly throughout the coming years ahead. But over £2.5k a month is huge! Reading other posts I see people saying £800 a month for two kids is massive, so surely what I'm being asked for is just insane...isn't it?

I know eventually we'll get to the mediation side of things and she will get a shock as to how much I'm legally obliged to pay her. I assume the courts will tell her she needs to seek out full time work if she is fit and able to and I know ultimately that she will turn nasty and bitter and this in itself could end up in huge solicitor fees as we battle it out - which ironically is taking all that money away from both of us ultimately!!

How on earth do I handle this. I want to ensure my kids are not impacted by the separation. I don't want to end up being blamed for all of the mini-luxuries they are used to being taken away because "daddy refuses to pay for them".

I know she is with another man who has a very low income and eventually, I'm sure, he'll be moving in to the house that I'm paying for...eating the food I'm paying for and keeping himself warm on the bills I pay for. But this isn't my main concern....my main concern is that the sustainability of such a massive commitment for at least the next 14 years just isn't reasonable or realistic and yet I'm constantly told that its the kids who will suffer and they are at an age where none of this will make sense when I try reasoning with them individually. My ex and her family will speak ill of me and convince my own flesh and blood that I'm a nasty person who doesn't obviously care for them as much as I used to. This is partly speculation, but the ex-in-laws are quite a bitter and twisted bunch in general, so I expect no less.

What do I do next? Anybody been in a similar situation?

StuC75

Through the CSA it would be 20% of your take home wage (for 2 children). Main Breadwinner \ Stay At Home Mother statuses - may imply her sacrificing a salary to raise children \ help in your success if theres such a difference in the 'scale'..

reckon best speaking to a divorce specialist as to what may be expected. regarding the Marriage aspect.

RAS

Hi

The CSA requirement is 20% of salary on CSA2. It is very easy for self-employed to hide part of their salaries.

A court order would likely include some spousal maintenance as you are on a high salary, certainly till the youngest child goes to school and probably for some years after to allow her to retrain.

DS4215

Your minimum is 20% with two kids - you can pay more if you want.

What name is the mortgage in for the house? - you might find that you are stuck on it (and have to pay) as she will not be able to buy you out for the foreseeable future...

FBaby

Are you aware of what she is likely receiving in benefits as a single mum? That she probably is getting help with the mortgage payment, child benefit, tax credits, council tax benefits etc...

How long were you married? Did she ever work during the marriage?

19lottie82

FBaby wrote: »

Are you aware of what she is likely receiving in benefits as a single mum? That she probably is getting help with the mortgage payment, child benefit, tax credits, council tax benefits etc...

Exactly. Go round and help her complete a benefits calculation on the turn to us website.

My advice would be don't start paying her this ridiculous amount. If you start it may be hard to stop.

JustinCredibleGillespie

You'd be absolutely crazy to start shelling out that amount of money! She'll be living the high life and bankrupt you if your not careful. U sound like a great guy. Don't let her walk all over you. Definitely get some advice.

I wish you all the best.

JCG

xx

19lottie82

SINKINGFEELING wrote: »

I know eventually we'll get to the mediation side of things and she will get a shock as to how much I'm legally obliged to pay her.

Can you not site down with her and punch some figures in to the CSA calculator?

How much is your mortgage? Would a compromise be that you give her the amount that the CSA suggest, and pay the mortgage until the children are 18? (if you can afford it, that is)

As discussed, she will get benefits as well.

NAR

OP my advice is get to Mediation asap and she will get shock of her life. £2700 a month is ludicrous. Have you a breakdown of how this fantasy amount was achieved as there will be plenty on here to advise what is reasonable to pay and what is not.

Your big problem is she has the trump cards (kids) to play with should things not go her way. And by the sound of her family the "advisers" on how to play the game.

If any spousal maintenance is agreed, make sure to have terms that it is cancelled when her new partner moves in - why should you pay for that scenario!

[Deleted User]

Hi OP I am in your wife's position, so can comment from the other side of the coin. But I do think your wife is being very unreasonable.

My husband left me and the kids last summer temporily and never came back, in November he informed me it was over and we told the children in December. For July-October he continued to pay his usual sum to me as if he was living here as things were up in the air. But by November I knew he wasn't returning, so I applied and since claimed benefits like income support, child tax credits, council tax benefit and of course I still had child benefit. I manage on that, my minimal part time wages and his maintenance.

He is being generous though, he is giving me 25% of his take home pay, which he didn't need to do and for which I am grateful, but like you he doesn't want the kids deprived either.

I wouldn't dream or expect my husband to finance me in the way your wife does. However I have had problems along the way. The benefit system is changing radically and emalgamating into a one benefit system called Universal Credit ( I seem to have become an expert lately). Also my youngest turned 5 in February, so I am now no longer able to claim income support and am on jobseekers. I am now expected to look for work of 16+ hrs a week in order to claim Working Tax Credit.

Your wife would be entitled to single parent benefits and if she doesn claim them when your youngest turns 5, she too will be expected to look for 16+hrs a week or face a benefit cut.

You might find something like this helpful to work out what you should be paying. If you want to increase it a little then that is up to you, but not necessary.

http://www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

I have also off my own back done a seperation agreement, I found a free template online. My husband is reviewing it at the moment. It will be a while until we divorce, but for now its an agreement that protects both of our interests, even if things were to turn sour.

I hope your children are doing ok? I know how hard it is to stay amicable especially in front of the children, but its essential for their emotional health that they see Mummy and Daddy getting on (at least in front of them).

I hope that is of some help to you, any questions please ask. Good luck for the future.

msb5262

Deleted_User wrote: »

Hi OP I am in your wife's position, so can comment from the other side of the coin. But I do think your wife is being very unreasonable.

My husband left me and the kids last summer temporily and never came back, in November he informed me it was over and we told the children in December. For July-October he continued to pay his usual sum to me as if he was living here as things were up in the air. But by November I knew he wasn't returning, so I applied and since claimed benefits like income support, child tax credits, council tax benefit and of course I still had child benefit. I manage on that, my minimal part time wages and his maintenance.

He is being generous though, he is giving me 25% of his take home pay, which he didn't need to do and for which I am grateful, but like you he doesn't want the kids deprived either.

I wouldn't dream or expect my husband to finance me in the way your wife does. However I have had problems along the way. The benefit system is changing radically and emalgamating into a one benefit system called Universal Credit ( I seem to have become an expert lately). Also my youngest turned 5 in February, so I am now no longer able to claim income support and am on jobseekers. I am now expected to look for work of 16+ hrs a week in order to claim Working Tax Credit.

Your wife would be entitled to single parent benefits and if she doesn claim them when your youngest turns 5, she too will be expected to look for 16+hrs a week or face a benefit cut.

You might find something like this helpful to work out what you should be paying. If you want to increase it a little then that is up to you, but not necessary.

http://www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

I have also off my own back done a seperation agreement, I found a free template online. My husband is reviewing it at the moment. It will be a while until we divorce, but for now its an agreement that protects both of our interests, even if things were to turn sour.

I hope your children are doing ok? I know how hard it is to stay amicable especially in front of the children, but its essential for their emotional health that they see Mummy and Daddy getting on (at least in front of them).

I hope that is of some help to you, any questions please ask. Good luck for the future.

What a brilliant post, bailey. :T