Just having a scream.

Sagaris

Hope you are feeling a bit better now - and realising it's not your fault! My kids have chosen not to see me now and cut me off completely, I was in a bad way for a while but I relised they are adults now and there's nothing more I can do - they make their own choices in life.

Do you have any libraries near you? Ours (I'm in Essex too!) have over 50's clubs (I've given talks in a couple) and they are really lovely people, nice and lively and friendly - I will join one when I retire! And as you have dogs - are there and dog walking groups near you - or perhaps you could start one? Dog owners are usually good fun, we go out most weekends with our group all over the place.

Hope things improve for you soon. x

valk_scot

Re the crafting thing...look round and see if you can find a group or class, your local community centre or library might have details, or Google up your area. It's a great way to connect in with some like minded company, you'll have the craft in common if nothing else and it's amazing how uplifting it is to spend a couple of hours with other folk rather than just stil alone in the house.

fiftyeighter_2

I seem to keep saying thank you. But truly I am so grateful to you all. You have taken the time to read and your comments and suggestions have been unbelievable.
I am going to see if there are any groups I feel I can join, the company would be good for me.
A friend and I are going to catch a bus tomorrow to a nearby town and do some window shopping and have a light lunch. So I,m looking forward to that.
I thought if I try to do a little something every day it will help with my mood. Going to take the dogs for a walk shortly with my DD.
Had a bit of a funny feeling yesterday. I thought my asthma was playing up but nothing I did seemed to ease it. Found it hard to breath and was shaky then thought its a panic attack. Didn't last too long thank goodness. Just tried to calm myself down. I have had them before but not for quite a while. It's quite scary when it happens.
I,m going to give myself a week and see how I feel. Then if not i will speak to my Dr she,s lovely and knows the family well. I just hate the thought of pills but sometimes I suppose needs must.
MrsCautious. Thank you so much for your post. My heart goes out to you.
You talk so much sense and you are so very kind. Makes me cry to read what you must have gone through. Also helps to understand I,m not the only one to suffer. Life can sometimes be wonderful and sometimes so sad but just talking on here and reading everyone's kind wishes and hugs is helping me enormously.
Sagaris. I,m so sorry about your sons, they can break your heart can't they? I can't alter how he feels about me I no that. But there you are. Someone once told me, children, they will need you before you need them. That's probably true.
Please forgive me if I havnt mentioned someone specifically. All of your posts are precious to me. This is truly helping me no end.

Emm-in-a-pickle

Hi Fiftyeighter.
I`m so glad you`re planning things that will help lift your mood, and taking some control where you can despite the stuff that is beyond your control.
Having that `funny do` the other day, you thought of seeing how it goes for a week & maybe seeing your Dr. All I want to say is really why not make an appointment anyway, and get yourself checked over? Particularly as you have a lovely GP who knows the family, so you wouldn`t have to go into loads of background explanations. You might just feel better after a chat with her and a quick check-over, and a bit of reassurance can help a lot. I share your dislike of taking medication unless it`s REALLY necessary, but a good GP won`t automatically throw pills at the situation. Also, it might be a good opportunity for them to review your asthma medication.
Look after yourself now, and your lovely dogs. ((HUGS)).

fiftyeighter_2

Thanks Emm-in-a-Pickle.
I do understand what you are saying and thanks again for thinking of me.
I had a nice couple of hours out with my friend Wednesday and did a little food shop. Then had a lovely cuppa and sandwich in a pretty little cafe. Very sweet all pretty cups and teapots.
Then yesterday took my daughter for her theory driving exam.....and she passed with only 1question wrong. Clever little thing.
Got home and found a letter from my son apologising and saying he didn't meen any of it he was and is in a bad place but still not seeming to accept any responsibility. Oh we'll. I have written him back and told him how hurtful he had been and as much as I love him his future and how he acts is on his shoulders and no one else's. he now knows I will not take any of the blame for how he deals with life.
His son (my DGS) came to see me and he was dreadfully hurt by his fathers failure once again. He hadn't seen him since he was 2. He is now 24. The. Got back into contact with him a year ago. 6 months ago his mum, my daughter in law died. My son should have been there for him and obviously has let him down again. But one thing he promised me he wouldn't lose touch with me. My DGS and daughter in law are expecting twins. How beautiful. They already have a little boy, nearly 2.
Went on a really long walk with the dogs this morning. Shattered by the time I got home. But a good feeling.
Been batch cooking as well today So I have been a busy bee.
It's the evenings I find hardest and when I feel saddest. But I am at last feeling more positive.
Hugs to everyone who has helped me and hugs to those people too who are feeling down and sad.

marisco_2

There seems to be a number of issues that are causing you distress and anxiety.

Firstly I am so sorry that your eldest child died. No-one should ever have to go through that. Seven years is such a short amount of time in the grieving process, which you will still be going through. There are no doubt all manner of things that remind you of him. These may cause happiness at the memory and pain at the loss. Have you ever sought counselling?

It is a shame that your eldest son chooses to not be in regular contact with you. Is there any family member that could mediate between you both with the hope of encouraging a reconciliation?

Your second son is a fool to not appreciate you and all you have done for him since he came out of prison. Not all people are so lucky in having supportive family to get them back on their feet. His behaviour seems extreme and aggressive. I dont wish to worry you but he seems unstable to me. Is it possible that he could have a drink or drug problem? Not that these would excuse his behaviour but it could go along way to explaining it.

Take comfort in the fact that you have a son and daughter who think the world of you. They do this because of the special person you are to them and how well they have been raised.

You did this for every single one of your children. The fact that two of them choose not to appreciate all you did is down to failings within them, not you.

Sending you a massive hug and hoping that you feel better soon

carefullycautious

Nights are difficult when you close the door and only have yourself and thoughts to deal with.

Try writing down a few things that you would like to achieve each day or week. Plan how you will set about doing this

If you can keep your mind occupied with good thoughts you are less likely to fall into the negative thought trap.

There is however nothing wrong with feeling down and if you can say to yourself that this is how I feel right now and I accept it, but I do not need anything to get me through these feeling (alcohol) they will go away.

Do get yourself checked out by your Gp if you are worried about your physical health.

Take care

meritaten

I am so glad that you seem more positive now!
and that your son wrote an apologetic letter! sounds like the sort of person who blames everyone but himself for his being in a bad place - hopefully he is working on that and his letter to you is the first step! so that is a good sign.
and that you are establishing a relationship with your grandson - that is wonderful! in many ways you can have as deep or deeper relationships with grandkids than even with your own kids.
sorry to hear of the panic attack - but you dealt with it and recognised it for what is was. Well done!
Keep it up hun - and on the dark days,,,,,you have some recent good ones to think about.
I believe you are going to be just fine - now you believe you will be too!

fiftyeighter_2

Marisco, thanks for your kind and wise words. Your right my son in prison is an alcoholic and is on a methadone treatment and your also correct to say to say at times he seems unstable. But he has had a lot of help and support from various agency,s and family. He really needs to be in a detox programme and then on to re-hab but he obviously is not ready to face up to the fact he cannot do it on his own. I,m now not sure he ever will.
It's such a shame he is tall gorgeous looking and believe it or not is a real gentle giant but due to drugs and drink can become very angry. Though I stress to say normally only with other drug users. Not that this makes it ok.
I,m slowly learning I can't be responsible for his actions any longer. My eldest son is a funny man but thank goodness has never been trouble. He,s married with 2 beautiful children and works hard. I think he chooses not to get involved with any thing that could bring shame to him and I so understand that. He is very stuck up for want of a better word. He will just turn up at the house to see me after months of no contact and act as though nothing is wrong. And I just let him because its nice to see him and the children. I don't think he will ever change his feelings.
The other 2 are angels. Happy content, work hard and very loving and kind. In this I no I,m blessed.
I did once go to a support group for the bereaved but didn't feel comfortable. It was quite a small group and I had the feeling they didn't feel comfortable with a death related to drugs.
I know I,m being unfair but I can't see how counselling can make me feel better about his death. I just want him back. Although he was an addict he never got into trouble. He didn't steal lie or fight. But that's unfair. There is in life some horrific deaths of children and adults much worse than I,ve suffered.
But I am getting there, I promise.

fiftyeighter_2

Carefully cautious and meritaten. Once again thank you for your kind words.
Nights are the worse your right. There awful for anyone in pain or suffering. But we all get through it don't we?
I think in some ways my son,s nasty letter has made me realise that however much I love and care for my children and people I have a duty to myself and that I matter too. I,m almost. 64 and although I have had lots of good times I really have devoted my life to caring for other people and trying not too "rock the boat" letting certain people get away with mistreating me. Just incase they think less of me. It's time I grew up too and started to put myself first......well every now and again. Lol
I do write things down carefullycautious, it really does help.
Well better stop rambling now. I,ll be boring everyone to death.
A great big thank you to you all.