Just having a scream.

fiftyeighter_2

In a way I don't know why I,m writing this down. I really just need to either cry or scream. I,m thinking if I do write it all down I will get it off my chest and begin to live. So please all who read this forgive me for my rant and self pity.
I,m 62 almost 63. I,ve had 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl. The father of the boys died 10 years ago. My daughters father is here but we only live together weekends (a long story) my youngest son died age 29 7 years ago. I still miss him dreadfully. I very rarely hear from my eldest son who is 44 I don't think he ever forgave me for leaving his father22 years ago.
My 2nd son age 42 has always been a bit of a problem, prison etc. he came out on license 6 months ago. I honestly thought he had turned his life around. I got him a flat and paid the £500 deposit (all my savings) and together with friends furnished the flat. 2 weeks ago he was re-arrested and is now awaiting court. 2 days ago I received a really nasty letter from him saying how much he hates me and I will never see or hear from him again. I don't no what I,ve done but I feel so hurt and angry.
I,m at the stage with everything that I feel I just can't cope with life and its problems any more. I don't meen I,m suicidal I couldn't do that to my children. But I,m so tired and feel so alone. I just don't no what to do any more. I,ve started to drink more than I no I should and I can't afford to.
I suppose really I want so much to feel looked after and loved. How selfish am I? There are so many people worse off than me. And normally I try to think that.
Why can't I pull myself out of this?
I probably won't post this. It's just a rant.
And god alone knows what this has to do with OS.
I have to stop pitying myself.
I have a gorgeous son and daughter who care for me and who I love so much. I love all my children even though I feel so ashamed of the one.
I will feel better tomorrow, I know. I,m strong and this problem is what I am use to. So it will improve. I just have to get a grip.

Emm-in-a-pickle

First, ((HUGS)) and Well Done having a rant/scream on here, in the safety of anonymity. You`ve let off a bit of steam, and communicated your feelings without involving or embarrassing anyone you know, and you`ve already identified positive feelings.
You are strong, you have been through a lot and coped, and you have 2 great offspring so you must know you did something right! I do hope you feel better soon, Bless you.

heretolearn_2

Ah honey, I think we all have times in our lives when we feel low, it's fine to vent about it.

If you feel like this a lot, it's a wake up call to make some changes in your life. You only get one, so make the most of it. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else.

Counting your blessings (family for you) can help, but don't feel guilty if that isn't enough.

You could have a chat with your doctor to see if he/she thinks you are depressed?

If not, and you are just feeling fed up, think about what would bring you happiness. And then make a plan to make it happen.

It sounds as though you are maybe a bit lonely. You mention family but not any friends. It's not easy to take the first step but it sounds like your social life needs a shake up. What do you enjoy doing? Hobbies? Join a club, find a meetup group (google the website), join your local U3A which will be running lots of activities for people from about 55 up (not the bingo type, whatever the members organise). My mum goes to a U3A lunch club which goes to a different pub every month, she is in their 10-pin bowling group, their craft group that meets at different houses, and goes to some other events.

If you would like another relationship (and it sounds like you do), then why not? You have to get out and meet people for that to happen though, he's not going to come knocking at your door.

fiftyeighter_2

Thank you emm-in-a-pickle and heretolearn.
Your right I don't really have much of a social life though I do have friends. I tend to just sit here day after day. And I do know that I really need to change my life. Join clubs anything. What is a U3A club though, I,ve never heard of it. Sounds something I,d like to do though.
I,m really just feeling sorry for myself. I,m in a rut and need to get a life. And I will. I thought if I just go for a walk each day just to start. I do play for a domino team in the winter and I do enjoy it. Need to do more though.
I,m sitting here crying and the poor dogs don't understand but I,m on my own so not upsetting anyone. I shall feel better soon.
Thanks for the posts. You won't know how much it helps. X

good_advice

Hello Fiftyeight. Life is a bumpy road. Full of ups and downs.
Adult kids...I have some too! we try and help. Not always wanted.
All we can do is lend a hand when they come calling.

Have you a pet? cat or little dog? for company?

You just have to keep busy.
I do that by crafting. At the moment I am trying out a new one. Patchwork. Nice and cheap just cutting up my old cotton clothes and sewing shapes on my very old sewing machine.

Tomorrow is another day. Get up and put a smile on your face. Do the choirs and maybe go for a walk.

Take care...

VJsmum

Losing a son is a massive thing to happen to you - and you have lost 3, I think you are entitled to some self pity. My BIL died 3 years ago and I know the impact that has had on my MIL and SIL (OH, strangley enough seems to be coping with it - BIL took his own life and OH and I were the only ones to acknowledge that there was only one outcome after all the suicide attempts so we weren't surprised, I think that helped.) My mother also had a similar situation that you are in with your eldest in that my older brother never really forgave her. Is there communication between your other children you are still in contact with and the other 2 sons? That should be encouraged as it is your line of contact then.

Going through a divorce and losing a brother is a lot to happen to a child (of whatever age) and there will be confused thinking and maybe misplaced bitterness, it sounds like both sons could do with some counselling. Maybe you could too? Have you experienced or thought about contacting CRUSE?

It is awful to feel so alone but you can learn to live with this - you are not responsible for how your sons deal with what has happened to them, but you can learn to live with their treatment of you. My older brother came back into the fold a little before mum died - at least she did have some contact with him but at least she knew that she had done all she could.

Good luck

toni_

we all get down sometimes and feel sorry for ourselves but thats life, full of good days and bad days, you just have to make yourself get out there and do things, like you said going for a walk a day is a great start, say hello to the people you meet pop in the shops and get a paper. Watching children in need last night makes me feel awful for thinking likes this at times, you'll be alright chick, sending big hugs x

fiftyeighter_2

Thanks good advice. Yes that is good advice. I have 2 dogs. One is my son,s who I was talking about. So I have custody of her lol. She,s only 6 months.
I normally do cope quite well. Or put a brave face on. It just all got to me I suppose.
I have to re-arrange my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. And yes if you have children especially adult ones life is a bumpy road. I feel better just letting off steam and I am going to make a determined effort to do things instead of just sitting about. Your crafting sounds lovely. I use to do a lot of knitting and needlework. Maybe that's something I should take up again.
Thanks once again to all who replied to my rant. It means a lot to me.

fiftyeighter_2

Thank you VJsmum. Yes I can understand what you are saying. Suicide, how hard yo deal with. I,m so sorry. My son died from drugs, I found him. It was awful and I still see that moment. It will always be there. My eldest son was funnily enough the one who kept encouraging me to leave his dad. He was quite violent to me not however the boys, thank goodness. So it has made it harder to understand him. I imagine it was because a year or so later I got with my daughters father. The other 3 boys seemed to cope well. My 41 year old son is settled and happy but is quite angry at his other 2 brothers. The one for constantly being in trouble and the eldest one for being so unfriendly to us. But I do love them all and I am so, so lucky with this son and my 17 yr old daughter
Thanks Toni. Your right there is a lot of sadness in the world and I know we have to count our blessings. I,ll get there. Thanks.

good_advice

Fiftyeight - definitely get some knitting or sewing going.
I do not go out a lot also. I keep busy @ home.

This winter I knitted 2 ladies plain cardigans. One in bluebell and the other lilac in colour. Both were intended for ME! Both given away! with can you make one for me? I do like the colour. Yes, I will ware it...

I am a beginner in patchwork and yes all the points of fabric are not perfect. I made it myself and that is what counts.
I have made some bags to store my things in. Soon I shall progress to cushion covers...

carefullycautious

you know the saying 'you always hurt the one you love' well I bet that son of yours is trying to blame you for his inability to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you have done all you can with whatever resources you have had. You are not responsible for a 40+ year old mans behaviour.

The worst thing you can do is sit at home and dwell on what might have been. Its a recipe for disaster or drinking too much, as you have found out, which makes you more morose.

When the sun comes out, pack a lunch and a flask of coffee take the dogs on a long walk some where scenic and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Today is the first day of the rest of your life enjoy it.