Uncommitted partner

debtworrier

apple_mint wrote: »

A lot of us have had to do some level of 'convincing' with family members (not always OH's but children or parents etc.) over OS living, but perseverence does pay off

Completely with you on "our money" rather than "his/her money".

As for convincing the OH, sometimes they have the impression that all of this "saving" is about being a miserable "meanie" and they don't want to get involved because it's going to be a huge drag walking an extra three miles to save 2p on a tin of budget tomatoes or whatever. I've had more luck saying that OS habits are about focusing spending so that we don't waste money paying more for no benefit, but instead spend intelligently to maximise our "fun" money. :T

IOW, talk about "getting MORE" rather than "spending LESS".

debtworrier

kunekune wrote: »

OH would say, "we have a combined income of over 80K, I'm not going to quibble about the price of beans or drink crap beer rather than my usual fancy schmancy bottled stuff". So it's mostly a matter of finding a balance between savings we can make and savings we can make realistically.

To be quite honest, if you really like, say, London Pride beer (I do!) and the cheaper stuff isn't as nice, then buying cheaper stuff that you don't enjoy is not money-saving; it's a waste.

Could you maybe agree on a few "no compromise" items, and OS the rest? Sure, he cares about his beer, but I bet he's not bothered about his shampoo or his socks or something.

debtworrier

moanymoany wrote: »

Also, the attitude to money can be so greatly influenced by what happened at home. For many people what happened as they grew up is the RIGHT way.

Yes, I was really lucky. When I was small enough that I had to stand on tiptoe to see the table top, I can remember my Mum & Dad sitting down at the kitchen table with the savings tin in front of them. It was a long red one, with different compartments in it. I was fascinated with it because, unlike my piggy bank, it had lots of slots. I used to help them by posting the rent money, the insurance money etc. into the little slots once they'd sorted the money into different piles. (Which probably meant they had to check it again after I'd gone to bed! :rolleyes:)

Of course that doesn't make me any more rational than anyone else: the ethos of "pay cash or do without" I grew up with means that I've had to force myself to borrow and "get in debt" :eek: in order to get a credit history, and the surest way to panic me into being unreasonably stubborn is to spring "surprise borrowing" on me before I'm absolutely sure I can pay it back.

We used to joke that in order to get Mum to agree to anything, we had to give her two chances to say "No" first. I'm just the same....

kunekune

Absolutely! Some compromises aren't worth making.

It's quite interesting looking at what I wrote 15 months ago, actually. Some things have changed since then: our income is less because OH cut back to four days a week due to his PD (something we never even imagined happening to us at the beginning of 2008). We saved about £12,000 over the year, as well as having a two week holiday in Spain. OH still laughs about my efforts but is more on board, since I'm the one having to make the changes to deal with the £8K loss in salary (can't save on childcare, as OH is too tired to pick up the children any earlier). We are about to buy a house (albeit with some extra help from FIL, offered rather unexpectedly). I had a lot of trouble getting the grocery bill down but my most recent GCs have been much more successful: I think originally I couldn't do it for £600, and now it's a relatively easy £450.

Hannah_10

I am wondering if I am the only one who feels like they are trying to turn around a moving train when it comes to the other half?

He's just left here to take the baby swimming for me and on his way out of the room we had a row about... Boilled eggs. Of all the small things!

Basically, the eggs need using. I could just feed them to the dog who would be delighted, but that would mean I/we would have to eat something else, and that something else would cost money. It's not the 4x20p for the eggs I'm thinking of, it's the cost of the pasta or the salad or the soup we would have for lunch instead. It's a principle! I'm sure you understand. He doesn't.

I'm going out at 6pm (to a free film screening, very frugal), so when he and baby get back from the pool at 12-ish he's got a few hours to himself. I said as he left that I would have a lunch ready for him. I mentioned yesterday that lunch would be egg and tomato sandwiches on white bread with crisps a yoghurt and a banana. Apart from the crisps all the items on that lunch are needing using today or tomorrow. But I also have lots more bread, ricotta, butternut squash, cheese, chicken and carrot that need using too, so actually tonights dinner and all three meals tomorrow are planned in my head.

Now where as I am in the mindset that too much has been wasted around here for too long, he is not.

So when I said I'd have his lunch ready for 12 he has a tantrum and says he only has 6 hours to go to work and do some biking (motorcycle) and I'm trying to steal his free time for the sake of 40p of eggs.

Oh for pitys sakes.

Everyone eats. Is it so unreasonable to think that he would eat what needs used rather than stopping at about 2pm for a greasy burger at a roadside van? It's not the 40p eggs, the 15p crisps, the 15p yoghurt or the 20p banana, it's the £3-4 burger! For pitys sakes, he can put a cargo net on that bike in seconds, take your bloody lunch with you, I have perfectly good lunch boxes which are plenty tough enough! (I ride myself- when health allows, so he has nowhere to hide with the excuses).

Furthermore, before he goes biking, he's got to go to work and do a few things. He is self employed, therefore the boss, and he eats packed lunches at work when he's there all day so why not today? He's got a 30 minute drive to get there- bloody multitask for goodness sakes! We are hardly talking a 3 hour formal banquett here!

The swimming lessons are £8.50 each and you buy by the 7 lesson term. We can barely afford it and I only manage it by being very tight in other areas but we can both totally agree on how important they are.

So where is the money coming from if he can only be bothered to live frugally when it's convenient? It's got nothing to do with what's in the sandwiches, or anything else. It's all about that when frugality is even very slightly contrary to convenience it's not worth the bother for him. So I'm left trying to find £59.50 for next terms lessons and he is going to throw out about 90p-£1 of food, so he can buy about £3-4 more food. A fiver! We can't afford that fiver!

Why do some people just refuse to get it? :wall:

Is it just mine or is anyone elses partner utterly frustrating?

anguk

I can sympathise, my OH drives me mad at times. He's pretty good about spending money because he knows we haven't got any, he leaves all the finances to me and normally asks if we can afford it but when it comes to food it's a different matter. The cupboards, fridge & freezer can be full of food but he'll fancy something else which normally means a trip to the supermarket to buy ingredients. He loves shopping for food, it's his idea of a good day out but my idea of hell wandering around the supermarket.

Meal plans just don't work in our house, every morning he'll ask what we're having for dinner that day but if I say something he doesn't fancy my planned meal will have to be changed. And if we're going to be out for the day and I suggest taking a packed lunch or picnic you'd think I'd asked him to poke his own eyes out! He'd much rather buy a sandwich or pie from a shop than take one from home.

Everything else in life he's happy with watching the pennies but not with food, we spend a large proportion of our income on food because he just can't/won't make savings and so much gets wasted. Whenever he's been in hospital I've saved a fortune on the food bill because DD and I are quite happy to eat what we've already got in.

esmf73

am with you every step of the way !

MsHoarder

How about a budget including "spends" for each member of the family? Then he can have his burger and do without something else later. Not much else to suggest...

Pink.

Hi Hannah,

You aren't alone! Have a look through these threads to see how others have found solutions to the same problem:

Uncommitted partner

OH sabotage of batch cooking!

Help OH is ruining everything

please suggest punishment for OH!!

oh driving me mad!

I'll merge your thread later.

Pink

Ilona

It must be terribly frustrating for you. If these men behave like sulky children I believe you should treat them like it. Mum used to put our meals in front of us and we were told to eat it all, no choice. Keep your menu's in your head but don't tell him what he is getting, just plonk it in front of him, and smile. Here you are darling, get that down your neck. :rotfl: Then let him rant but don't get drawn into an arguement. You can do it, stick to your guns, you gotta win.:T
Ilona