Uncommitted partner

sp1987

ceridwen wrote: »

Oh dear...I'm probably not making myself very clear here...so I hope you understand where I am coming from here...in that I am saying that O.H. probably thinks "I earn - so I decide" and it is a valid viewpoint - even if not the one someone else would agree with.

I get it, although it is not my personal view. It seems sexist but actually it is just circumstance that usually makes it the male role. Though it isn't entirely conducive to a successful relationship unless both of you have the same mindset or you are single. I think you have a single person mindset which is ideal as you are single. I think it only emerges as an issue if someone in a partnership starts to behave like there is nobody else in the house when there are 2 or 4 others there.

ceridwen wrote: »

I would draw a comparison table of how many hours needed to be spent on earning the income coming into the household on the one hand and how many hours were involved in necessary housework and amount of time/effort necessary to bring children up appropriately with all things involved in being a "good parent" and point out that he had wanted the children too and we had decided jointly when we were going to have them and how many we would have and, from that, I know I personally would certainly be able to prove that we were both "working" to "keep the show on the road" and were therefore both entitled to a say as to how the income coming in was spent.

Like all of us - I can only speak for my own personal circumstances and what the set-up would be if I had got "partnered-up" and we had decided we were going to have children. Other peoples circumstances will vary obviously..

Not being a parent yourself maybe you have overlooked this one ...but an interesting question to add to your time/effort graph that may be of some amusement to you...

Is your child throwing up on you after their lunch worth 'double time points' as although the only child-related duty there is 'preparing lunch and providing the lunch' you also have the associated time loss of 'change clothes and remove sick smell from skin as best you can' :rotfl:? Are you allowed that to count towards your time allowance to the household (stopping everyone else from smelling you?) or is that your personal time as only you really benefit, lol? I only ask because my little one has been ill the past few days (thanks to playgroup a.k.a. unpleasant illness spreader) and it was what immediately popped into my head when I read your post.

whitemouse75

McKneff wrote: »

Oh's are the way they are because you allow them to.

I know its too late now but the ground rules should start as soon as you start to make your life together.

You have all allowed them to do it from day one, so its not all their fault.

Are you serious? I for one would be helping you pack your stuff into a van if you spoke like that at home.


Lots of views here about what wastrels men are, yet not one person has mentioned the £8.50 baby swimming lessons. I suggest a few of you think about priorities when saving the cost of a sandwich is more important than that.

jackieglasgow

I agree totally whitemouse, that's the first thing that I noticed - £8.50 for a baby swimming lesson when you are struggling to hold your own head financially above the water (sorry for the terrible pun, I can't think of another way to phrase it ) is a lot of money, and if you are really and truly unable to teach your own child to swim, the forsaking a couple of burger vans sandwiches a week to have the money to pay for it, should be no effort at all for any parent. Especially when you are having your lunch made for you, and not even having to make the effort to do it yourself. Shame on him.

miecherox

OP I feel like you have blown this way out of proportion at what point does a partnership consist of telling him what to do like a child? I presume he is an adult capable of making his own decisions?

I don't believe that being in a partnership is about telling them what to do but more about bringing your own thoughts and experiences together and building something new.

Don't get me wrong there is plenty my OH does that drives me insane, as an example I think he uses way too much washing up liquid but seriously does it matter? i just adapt other things to stretch where I can. And if I did make an issue out of it, guess what he'd probably stop doing any dishes so not a favourable outcome for me at all:D

I went through a time of being critical of things he did particularly in the kitchen, I have learnt the hard way that we both do things in different ways and yes he does add different ingredients to things than I would and he might perhaps use a different dish or saucepan than me but guess what after shutting up and letting him get on with it we've all sat down to a really lovely dinner and I have literally had to realise that I don't always know best:cool:

We are utterly skint at the moment which we're both in together in fact the whole family is aware of it, but instead of making it a negative thing we've talked about other things we'll do as a family this holiday, we'll do some baking and cooking and painting and walks and picnics.

The same applies with food, My OH used to buy his dinner every day at work but now the understanding is if there's a lunch available to take from home he'll have that instead if not he'll buy it because after a 14 hour day at work he hasn't got the time and energy to devote to making one himself. The answer to that one is simple make it a lunch he'll enjoy eating, if I packed egg and tomato sandwiches and a banana into my OH's bag every day I would expect him to moan to be honest because 1) he doesn't like them and 2) it isn't enough for him.

The same applies for evening dinner, sometimes food has to stretch a bit but if OH said I really don't like that i wouldn't give it to him for dinner or moan that he didn't eat it. I don't like some foods and would be a bit peeved if I was expected to sit and eat something just to avoid a confrontation - it just wouldn't be a nice way to live.....

I think this whole issue comes down to more than 4 eggs. Perhaps a quiet dinner together and a talk about what's really going on would be more beneficial. It can really work if you go at it together as a partnership and accept that sometimes you won't agree and that you'll irritate each other about stuff.

sp1987

miecherox wrote: »

OP I feel like you have blown this way out of proportion at what point does a partnership consist of telling him what to do like a child? I presume he is an adult capable of making his own decisions?

I don't believe that being in a partnership is about telling them what to do but more about bringing your own thoughts and experiences together and building something new.

Don't get me wrong there is plenty my OH does that drives me insane, as an example I think he uses way too much washing up liquid but seriously does it matter? i just adapt other things to stretch where I can. And if I did make an issue out of it, guess what he'd probably stop doing any dishes so not a favourable outcome for me at all:D

I went through a time of being critical of things he did particularly in the kitchen, I have learnt the hard way that we both do things in different ways and yes he does add different ingredients to things than I would and he might perhaps use a different dish or saucepan than me but guess what after shutting up and letting him get on with it we've all sat down to a really lovely dinner and I have literally had to realise that I don't always know best:cool:

We are utterly skint at the moment which we're both in together in fact the whole family is aware of it, but instead of making it a negative thing we've talked about other things we'll do as a family this holiday, we'll do some baking and cooking and painting and walks and picnics.

The same applies with food, My OH used to buy his dinner every day at work but now the understanding is if there's a lunch available to take from home he'll have that instead if not he'll buy it because after a 14 hour day at work he hasn't got the time and energy to devote to making one himself. The answer to that one is simple make it a lunch he'll enjoy eating, if I packed egg and tomato sandwiches and a banana into my OH's bag every day I would expect him to moan to be honest because 1) he doesn't like them and 2) it isn't enough for him.

The same applies for evening dinner, sometimes food has to stretch a bit but if OH said I really don't like that i wouldn't give it to him for dinner or moan that he didn't eat it. I don't like some foods and would be a bit peeved if I was expected to sit and eat something just to avoid a confrontation - it just wouldn't be a nice way to live.....

I think this whole issue comes down to more than 4 eggs. Perhaps a quiet dinner together and a talk about what's really going on would be more beneficial. It can really work if you go at it together as a partnership and accept that sometimes you won't agree and that you'll irritate each other about stuff.

I actually think that is a lovely, thoughtful and personally tailored reply.

I'm just happy I am with someone who is so decent a person that I notice he uses too much shower gel and mountains of hand cleaner (or in your case, washing up liquid). If he had hundreds of faults I'm sure I would not notice something so minor (in fact he does not know I've noticed as it isn't a fault worth mentioning). I do sometimes wonder how many times he needs to clean the same part, but at least he is faultlessly hygienic. :rotfl: