Disobedient children are really getting me down

lil_me

Sorry, I would never teach my children that violence solves anything. My kids are not a punch bag for me to hit when I am angry with their behaviour. I would not use smacking etc ever.

Not the way I was brought up, I was smacked for the stupidest reasons, until the day I smacked my mother back. She didn't bother again! Me and my Mam still don't get on. My Dad was the one who spent time with us as we were growing up, never lifted a finger to us, got all the time in the world for my Dad.

Penelope Penguin, sounds like your ways are very similar to mine, many good points there.

If a child plays up in a supermarket, think why, is it because you've given in to what they are screaming for before ? If so that's your fault not the childs. Is it because you didn't feed them before you went and it's making them hungry which tends to mean grumpy ? Again not the kids fault. Is it because they just don't want to be there, also not the childs fault, god I'm an adult and I hate being in the places.

Most friends of mine have the same opinion, one lady who is actually a grandmother seen a lady lift a little girl who must have been no older than 3 off her feet by slapping the back of her bare legs, never seen someone looked so shocked when my friend did the same to her and said 'How do you like it!!!' The very shocked woman said to her, 'she's didn't do what I wanted her to, she is my daughter'. My friend responded 'you didn't do what I wanted you to do so I slapped you, fair is fair!' I think she may think about what slapping her daughter teaches her in future. Must admit I was a bit shocked at my friends hands on approach, but she was applauded for it, people came up and said 'Well done, she might think twice next time' another guy told the lady if she couldn't control her child without abusing them or using them as a punch bag she shouldn't have had children.

Errata

Do we need to lighten up a bit? I don't think anyone is advocating battering kids to within an inch of their lives, more a bit of a heavy tap.

lil_me

If a stranger heavy tapped you in the street because you did something they didn't want you to would that be ok..of course it wouldn't...thats the way I see it.

My sons been smacked by several kids before, one of which I asked why ? He said 'He was naughty to me and my Mam smacks me when I am naughty' My son picked his toy up to look at it.

Says it all doesn't it. His Mother taught him his ABCs but also taught him to smack other kids, what a great role model. Kids learn from others.

Just my opinion, as others have their opinion.

Spendless

lil_me wrote: »

Most friends of mine have the same opinion, one lady who is actually a grandmother seen a lady lift a little girl who must have been no older than 3 off her feet by slapping the back of her bare legs, never seen someone looked so shocked when my friend did the same to her and said 'How do you like it!!!' The very shocked woman said to her, 'she's didn't do what I wanted her to, she is my daughter'. My friend responded 'you didn't do what I wanted you to do so I slapped you, fair is fair!' I think she may think about what slapping her daughter teaches her in future. Must admit I was a bit shocked at my friends hands on approach, but she was applauded for it, people came up and said 'Well done, she might think twice next time' another guy told the lady if she couldn't control her child without abusing them or using them as a punch bag she shouldn't have had children.

If anyone criticised me with what I do and don't do with my children I'd have ripped their head off, and that's not saying I agree or disagree with what the women did. Too many people interfere with everything to do with kids IMO.

kaykay_2

Just read all of these posts with interest.
Personally for me smacking just ends up with me feeling really bad. I have only smacked when i have really lost my temper/ been at the end of my tether, and i do believe you can have well behaved children without smacking.
The thing that shows up mostly in this thread is consistency - NO means NO This is really important.
I also think a child should have 1 warning( stop that now or X will happen).
I think that all children are individuals and you need to find what punishment makes them take notice. For me in a culdesac full of other kids and mine are 6 and 9 its stopping them playing out and no TV.
Whatever punishment you decide though you must be prepared to stick to it. Its no good saying you will stay in for a week if you can only stand two days. Its much better to keep to what you carry out rather than giving in for a quiet life!
Plenty of praise and encouragement.
I have seen my children go through stages - of naughty behaviour - keep to consistency it will pass. When the behaviour gets on top of me then i think back to the last stage and the fact that we got through it - it keeps me going.
I agree with other posters it should be explained to younger children what they have done wrong and why - not an essay just very briefly it expands their reasoning skills and they will then continue that into their peer relationships.

Good luck OP and hang in there things will get better.

ailuro2

I have only smacked when i have really lost my temper/ been at the end of my tether...

Maybe this came over wrong,forgive me if I'm reading too much into it.

I hate to see people losing their temper with their kids- it doesn't help anyone or improve the situation-even screaming and shouting irrationally can hurt them just as much as hitting them can. If things get that bad then please seek help.
I had parents who would lose their temper/ be at the end of their tether, and I look back now and think that they needed help. When tempers were lost, they had no recollection of the punishment -it escalated as my sister and I got older-on one occasion they were ready to punish my sister for coming home from school with a black eye, they thought she had been fighting, but sadly it was our father that 'lost his temper' with her the night before and had given her the black eye.


I hold my hand up and say I have smacked my child- when she was younger she would get a short sharp shock every now and then,only when it was something safety related, and never when I was angry, the smack would be just enough to sting.No harder than that.When she was really young I would hold her hand then smack my own hand-while saying NO!

Having said that the number of times she was smacked is probably only in single figures. These days there are far better ways of reminding her of her boundaries.;) And fwiw I don't shout at her either-there is no need. Perhaps we're just lucky? My dd-:A (well most of the time:p )

seven-day-weekend

lil_me wrote: »

Sorry, I would never teach my children that violence solves anything. My kids are not a punch bag for me to hit when I am angry with their behaviour. I would not use smacking etc ever.

Not the way I was brought up, I was smacked for the stupidest reasons, until the day I smacked my mother back. She didn't bother again! Me and my Mam still don't get on. My Dad was the one who spent time with us as we were growing up, never lifted a finger to us, got all the time in the world for my Dad.

Penelope Penguin, sounds like your ways are very similar to mine, many good points there.

If a child plays up in a supermarket, think why, is it because you've given in to what they are screaming for before ? If so that's your fault not the childs. Is it because you didn't feed them before you went and it's making them hungry which tends to mean grumpy ? Again not the kids fault. Is it because they just don't want to be there, also not the childs fault, god I'm an adult and I hate being in the places.

Most friends of mine have the same opinion, one lady who is actually a grandmother seen a lady lift a little girl who must have been no older than 3 off her feet by slapping the back of her bare legs, never seen someone looked so shocked when my friend did the same to her and said 'How do you like it!!!' The very shocked woman said to her, 'she's didn't do what I wanted her to, she is my daughter'. My friend responded 'you didn't do what I wanted you to do so I slapped you, fair is fair!' I think she may think about what slapping her daughter teaches her in future. Must admit I was a bit shocked at my friends hands on approach, but she was applauded for it, people came up and said 'Well done, she might think twice next time' another guy told the lady if she couldn't control her child without abusing them or using them as a punch bag she shouldn't have had children.[/QUOTE]

How would they have felt if their child was screaming in the supermarket and other people came up to them and said what a horrible badly brought-up child they had, they must be dreadful parents if their children behaved like that in public and why didn't they do something about this dreadful child they'd produced ? That poor mother must have felt dreadful!

Slapping on legs or bottom (sparingly) is an acceptable punishment for emergency measures imho, and if you had a toddler like my son was, who would NOT listen to reason and would sit me out indefinitely with other punishments, then sometimes him kicking off in public was just the final straw. A naughty chair never worked with him, he'd sit on it indefinitely and then still continue the unnacceptable behaviour afterwards. Removing toys didn't help, he'd just go without them indefinitely.

He grew up into a very kind and charming young man, even as a teenager. He was just a vile toddler!

Some children are very, very difficult and it is hard to know what to do with them.

However, whatever you do, consistency and a united front is of utmost importance.

lil_me

I know what it's like dealing with very difficult children, I have 2 of them myself, one with Autism diagnosis aswell as ADHD and another currently being assessed. Trust me they test your patience, but I've never had to resort to violence with him. They can display extremely challenging behaviour, especially in public, but if someone else has a problem with my child expressing how they feel, that is their problem not mine.

I would never be 'embarrassed' or feel awful about my child being challenging in front of other people, if someone mentioned it I would do as I have before, explain to them that my child like many others is expressing their discomfort or whatever else it is and if they have a problem with that then do not watch as I have absolutely no intention of embarrassing myself by going on like some raving idiot screaming at them or assaulting them (in my eyes hitting someone is assault full stop I wouldn't do it to an adult so definately wouldn't do it to a child).

As for what violence makes children as an adult, I believe the percentage of convicts who were in a prison near me for violent crime were hit as a child was in the extremely high 90%s 98.92% I think it was when research was done several years ago, just shows didn't do much for them did it. Many when interviewed were brought up in a life where violence was what was used to solve problems. So that is what they in turn went out and done. Ok many may turn out well, but I think those figures show a lot.

Like I have said before these are my opinions, I am not saying I think all parents should do specific things with their children, that is up to them. Some parents lack the patience, time for their children and intelligence to actually think of a method which will work and not have to resort to assaulting a child. In a lot of cases it takes looking at the parents behaviour first and some parents will never acknowledge that their parenting skills are poor and address these before trying to deal with the child.

I must agree I believe consistency and being united with your partner when deciding how behaviour is dealt with is very important. The first time you go back on a punishment for example letting out a grounded child after 3 hours when he was supposed to be 24 hours, they won't believe you. The punishments you use just won't work. Never choose punishments which will punish you more or you can't stick to.

kaykay_2

ailuro2 wrote: »

Maybe this came over wrong,forgive me if I'm reading too much into it.

I hate to see people losing their temper with their kids- it doesn't help anyone or improve the situation-even screaming and shouting irrationally can hurt them just as much as hitting them can. If things get that bad then please seek help.
I had parents who would lose their temper/ be at the end of their tether, and I look back now and think that they needed help. When tempers were lost, they had no recollection of the punishment -it escalated as my sister and I got older-on one occasion they were ready to punish my sister for coming home from school with a black eye, they thought she had been fighting, but sadly it was our father that 'lost his temper' with her the night before and had given her the black eye.


I hold my hand up and say I have smacked my child- when she was younger she would get a short sharp shock every now and then,only when it was something safety related, and never when I was angry, the smack would be just enough to sting.No harder than that.When she was really young I would hold her hand then smack my own hand-while saying NO!

Having said that the number of times she was smacked is probably only in single figures. These days there are far better ways of reminding her of her boundaries.;) And fwiw I don't shout at her either-there is no need. Perhaps we're just lucky? My dd-:A (well most of the time:p )

Perhaps i didnt explain myself very well - what i was trying to point out was that smacking IMHO is either a calculated punishment or a parent that feels they are out of control. From my own personal point of view i dont like smacking for the reasons some others have posted on here. We dont go around smacking other grown ups when they have upset us so why do we feel a need to treat children who are smaller less powerful individuals in this way. I have smacked but when the kids were smaller but ended up feeling worse because i feel its the wrong thing to do. Please be assured that my kids are not abused!!!
In Sweden its against the Law to physically chastise a child - i think they are in their second generation of parents who dont smack and attitudes towards this issue have changed significantly overtime - child abuse statistics are considered to have substantially reduced.
I was merely pointing out in my previous post that there is no black and white those people who advocate smacking are talking about their own experiences its a huge issue.
When is a smack abusive?
Is controlled smacking abusive/ The parent who loses their temper and smack - is that abusive? We will all have our differing opinions and i guess unless we bring in a law that protects children in the same way as adults these debates will continue.

Hope i cleared up the earlier post!!

[Deleted User]

quote from spendless `I'd have ripped their head off`

says it all. Violence breeds violence

my 3 are grown up and weren`t born as perfect little angels but they learnt by example. They turned into perfect adults and are all in perfect marriages with perfect responsible jobs. They are respectful and caring people. Oh I forgot, so are me and my dh and that is how we brought them up. We showed them without violence