Disobedient children are really getting me down

bribri_2

Some advice to Mamashaz.


1) you know your children, none of us do. You decide what consequences you are comfortable with and how you want to bring them up.
2) Spend most of your time praising them when they are behaving how you want them to.
3) Try not to get drawn into giving attention to the poorly behaving child when the other is good.
4) Decide on your outer boundaries that they must not ignore e.g. must hold hands crossing the road.
5) Have patience. It will take a week or two for them to adjust. so once you have your plan of e.g. withholding treats don't change to shouting after a day or two because you feel it isn't working.
6) Have patience. Use action replays. If your child doesn't do what you want. Wait until they do. e.g. if they throw the drawing book at you ask them to pick it up. Tell them nothing else happens until they do, no TV or dinner or stories etc. Saying sorry is to easy, they must demonstrate they know the right way to behave.
7) Don't worry if you have a rant at them rather than your chosen course of action, jsut get it back on track next time.
8) They are children, It is their job to try your patience.
9) They are children. They will do wonderful things. tell them when they do.
10) If you decide you don't want to shout or hit - instinctive reactions then have a strategy which becomes instinctive - devise a sentence that gives you breathing space. e.g I don't like that please don't do it. Just repeat it
11) Do bear in mind that there may be underlying issues, possibly deep ones e.g. something/someone at school, your relationship with OH, food additives. Or perhaps something like my daughter has - When shee needs a poo, she becomes all jittery, can't settle to bed. We end up getting crotchety and after an hour she goes to the toilet and all is calm. i.e. Is there a pattern to your kids behaviour?
12) they do need to get enough, quantity and quality sleep.


I have tried not to be prescriptive e.g. TV viewing, quality of food, specific consequences.

Good luck

SeptemberBaby_2

I suppose I have all this to come in a few years!

If we didn't do as we were told, my Mum used to bring a black bin liner in from the kitchen and put in all our most loved toys saying that she was taking them to children who deserved them! That was enough to get us to apologise quickly, hug Mum and beg for them back sobbing that we would be 'as good as gold'! She would leave it an hour or so (felt alot longer when I was a child!) and if we behaved she would give them back. It never occured to us that she would not carry out her threat

I also remember that I could not bear the feeling of knowing that Mum was upset with me and that was an incentive in itself to behave.

Good luck and I hope you find the right solution for you.

x

hobo28

You know what, I used to be part of the "a smack never did me no harm"

I also confess to smacking my children and once or twice probably a bit too hard and I do deeply regret it. Like I said, overall my kids are well behaved but there are no angels!

The thing that stopped me was that the kids just learned that hitting was an acceptable way of resolving disputes. So if my son was angry with me, he'd try and smack me! After all, I did it to him! If its good enough for the goose......

So now I don't. I've found that the naughty step and ignoring work just as well but thats perhaps because they are older now. At 2 or 3, I doubt the same would have worked. My youngest is 5, eldest is 10. A stern look & word is enough.

That said, I'm not in favour of banning smacking as we all must parent as we see fit. I don't want a nanny state telling me how to bring my kids up!

Honestly the key is being consistent and following through. Set bedtimes and stick to it. Don't think "Oh just give him 10 mins cos I'm busy" because 10 mins becomes 20 which becomes 30. Don't make threats like "I'm going to kill you if you don't do xyz" cos obviously you can't.

Oh and enough sleep as Bribri mentions is key. My 5 & 6 year olds get 11-12 hours a night. The eldest 10-11. The eldest moans that she's not tired etc but she does fall asleep quickly and is terribly grumpy if tired. When the weather's great I do feel bad enforcing a 7.30pm bedtime for the little ones but then like I said, its a long term thing.

Too many parents try to be friends with their kids. My opinion is that you are a parent first and foremost. If you can be friends too then thats just a bonus!

CatMather_2

A couple of extra suggestions that seem to work for me. I have 4 children between the ages of 2 and 13.

Are your children well behaved at nursery/school? If so, I found one that works with the younger ones is, "what would Mr/Mrs XXX (name of teacher) think about you behaving like this? This seemed to make them stop for pause. However, need to follow this up with asking why they will behave for teacher and not for you (or you feel like teacher has control and not you).

We have also taken quiet time to play a small game called 'stop, start and continue'. Your youngest might be too small, but we have been successful with our 6 year old. You each get allocated another person in the family and you think of something you would like them to stop doing, something they should start doing and something they should continue to do.
E.g. STOP getting out of bed at night, START listening to mum and dad, CONTINUE to give big cuddles a bed time. Post them up on the fridge when you have finished for future reference.

Finally, agree with so many other posts, don't be afraid to be in charge. One warning to begin with, then remove the item/switch off the TV etc. I have found I no longer need the warnings. And yes, a stern face and not letting children eye roll/mutter are key!
Good luck. We all face challenges with our kids from time to time!

snowmaid

hobo28 wrote: »

You know what, I used to be part of the "a smack never did me no harm"

I also confess to smacking my children and once or twice probably a bit too hard and I do deeply regret it. Like I said, overall my kids are well behaved but there are no angels!

The thing that stopped me was that the kids just learned that hitting was an acceptable way of resolving disputes. So if my son was angry with me, he'd try and smack me! After all, I did it to him! If its good enough for the goose......

So now I don't. I've found that the naughty step and ignoring work just as well but thats perhaps because they are older now. At 2 or 3, I doubt the same would have worked. My youngest is 5, eldest is 10. A stern look & word is enough.

That said, I'm not in favour of banning smacking as we all must parent as we see fit. I don't want a nanny state telling me how to bring my kids up!

Honestly the key is being consistent and following through. Set bedtimes and stick to it. Don't think "Oh just give him 10 mins cos I'm busy" because 10 mins becomes 20 which becomes 30. Don't make threats like "I'm going to kill you if you don't do xyz" cos obviously you can't.

Oh and enough sleep as Bribri mentions is key. My 5 & 6 year olds get 11-12 hours a night. The eldest 10-11. The eldest moans that she's not tired etc but she does fall asleep quickly and is terribly grumpy if tired. When the weather's great I do feel bad enforcing a 7.30pm bedtime for the little ones but then like I said, its a long term thing.

Too many parents try to be friends with their kids. My opinion is that you are a parent first and foremost. If you can be friends too then thats just a bonus!

I must be extremely fortunate because I can honestly say, my children have never tried to smack me, swear at me, pull my hair etc. They have NEVER thrown a tantrum in a supermarket, sworn at other kids. My youngest can sometimes be a bit domineering but then he does have extreme confidence and is very sure of himself. People are amazed by his confidence etc. Sometimes I feel he is too cocky! :rolleyes: The older 2 go with the flow!

bluesindy_2

Snowmaid

Well said, My DD now aged 13 and half ( the half is v. important apparently) has been smacked(on back of legs) twice in her life, once when she had a tantrum in supermarket, I refused to be shown up by a child and am still appalled at the way some parents let their children behave in stores! and once when she refused to go to bed big style, kicking her door etc, strangely enough for all the so called PC lets reason with kids type people she is a kind, thoughtful, helpful girl who has lots of friends and is doing extremely well at school.!!!

scooper

i would def say that you should stick to what you say you are going to do if they dont do it when asked.
ask once if they dont do it,say i will give you 1 more chance to do ''whatever'' then when they dont do it,i always took there fave toy book tele even away until they had earned it back through good behaviour.so whenever they have done something right you say carry on being good and you get your toy etc back,at one time i had a big box full of fave toys but it worked in the end with my son and even though he isnt an angel child people say how lucky i am to having a lovely mannered child,needless to say i have a 2 year old and i dont get the same comments!!she is still learning!!hahaha.

even the naughty stair,chair would still work for the five year old

snowmaid

bluesindy wrote: »

Snowmaid

Well said, My DD now aged 13 and half ( the half is v. important apparently) has been smacked(on back of legs) twice in her life, once when she had a tantrum in supermarket, I refused to be shown up by a child and am still appalled at the way some parents let their children behave in stores! and once when she refused to go to bed big style, kicking her door etc, strangely enough for all the so called PC lets reason with kids type people she is a kind, thoughtful, helpful girl who has lots of friends and is doing extremely well at school.!!!

I remember my youngest sister throwing a hissy in the supermarket, stamping her feet and refusing to move...well! That was the last time she did that! My mother slapped her behind, two wallops was enough, she stopped in shock and never ever stamped her feet again!.

Errata

The second time my niece threw a wobbler in the supermarket my SIL walked away and hid at the end of the aisle !
There's no point in trying to reason with a child if they haven't reached the age when they can understand reason. There's no point in asking a child who won't eat something 'what about the starving children in Africa' if they haven't reached the age when they can empathise.
When I watched 'It's me or the dog' I always thought that Victoria Stillwell was training the humans, not the animals!
So........long version short ! Say what you mean and mean what you say, your loved ones deserve no less, whether they're kids or dogs.

Beamish

snowmaid wrote: »

:T :T

Oh boy.....I am making myself so popular....:D

Good on you girl, bring back the old days I say.

I cant be doing with all this namby pambering to children, this is where things have drastically gone wrong over the years.

My boys both had a smack on the bum or legs when they were rude, naughty etc and its never done them any harm.

I used to have a old cane carpet beater that I called the Smacky Wacky, not once did I ever use it but it was there as a warning!

Even now at 28 & 30 they know how to wind me up, but I say to them I'll get the Smacky Wacky out, they laugh cos to them it now means something that you smoke:D

Beem x