Disobedient children are really getting me down

mamashaz

My two children are 7 and 4 (nearly 5) and rarely do anything my OH or I ask of them the first time round and we both feel it is spoiling our family life together.

It doesn't seem to matter whether it's something they want to do (go to the park) or something they don't (go to bed!). I have tried asking them nicely, shouting, using a sticker system as rewards at the end of each week, warning them that in 5 minutes we will need to do something - nothing seems to work. The younger one was fine until fairly recently but now he just copies his sister.

Yesterday evening I literally had to drag him to bed after he refused to stop colouring despite being told many times, and that was after I had dragged him off CBeebies 5 minutes earlier.

When we are out in public it is embarrassing as they ignore us when we say "Time to go now" and other children look at them and wonder why they are not doing what we ask.

At home it is plain exhausting and I said before spoiling things for us all.

Any suggestions would be welcome please.

Wednesday - Thank you for all your suggestions. OH and I are coming up with some strategies to deal with this. Just reading about other people's experiences have made us realise that we are not on our own and the sooner we tackle this the better!

Mamashaz

Penelope_Penguin

All I can go on is what worked for me and DH.

1. Be consistent between you and OH. You both have to be committed to this, and back each other up, or your children will play one off against the other.

2. Be determined - once you say something to the children it will happen - no backing down.

3. No threats unless you are prepared to carry them out.

4. Give the children a *5 minute warning*. For example, say that in 5 minutes (or what time is appropriate) it will be bed time. At the end of the time ask them to go to bed. If they don't switch everything off, put things away, and tell them again. If they still don't go, don't get into discussion, just go away and do what you're doing, and ignore them. Tell them again 10 mins later. Eventually they'll get bored and go (in theory!).

5. Spend time with them - for instance before bed have a story, a chat, a snack together.

6. It's attention that they're after - which is no bad thing. However, you're the adult and it's up to you to decide when they get that. As soon as they disobey a reasonable request, ignore them.

7. All 4 of you sit down, and explain to the children that as of now, there's a new regime. Explain clearly what will be happening, and what will happen if they don't comply.

HTH, Penny. x

inmypocketnottheirs

Interesting topic. We have two boys aged 6 and 8 and largely have the same problem! Will be watching with interest.

ailuro2

Come down very hard on them when they refuse to listen- if they don't stop colouring in, then remove their colouring books for two days, or even a week if it is a repeat offence.Don't give them any warning the first time you do it.Explain (nicely) you expect to be heard when you ask them to do something.

No screen time if they won't leave the pc/tv/DS to go to bed- one day without screen time is enough.

The punishments won't have to last long- they are keeping going until you set new boundaries for them- our 8yo DD is going through a phase like this at the mo- she does it every so often to try to test the boundaries, but a swift reminder of what happens when she ignores us is all that's needed to let her know the boundary is still in place.

Best of luck to you all. I agree with your point about it spoiling family life. They are old enough to do as you ask them now.

Penelope_Penguin

Sorry, was in my mind when I wrote the above list, but missed it off:

7. All 4 of you sit down, and explain to the children that as of now, there's a new regime. Explain clearly what will be happening, and what will happen if they don't comply.

HTH, Penny. x

110frankie

I noticed when I had two sons, and later when I had grandchildren (all grown up now) that the children of friends and neighbours who were consistently naughty were the ones who were threatened with various punishments but most of the time the threats were not carried out.
I am not talking about smacking or anything like that but just that if you tell them if they don't do a certain thing you will do whatever you MUST do the whatever.
Children are essentually young animals unsure of behaviour patterns. They are also selfish (as all animals are) and will please themselves until they find limits.
You post limits and some form of punishment - even if it is only as someone said above, taking their colouring books off them for a day - is necessary to teach them those limits.
But if you threaten, or promise, you MUST keep that threat or that promise.
Would you, as an adult, do something you didn't want to do, unless you really had to, If there is no reason for you to do it, either punishment or reward ?

emmaroids

remove some of the favourate toys and dont give back until you decide.
be consistant, do not let them watch tv prior to bedtime this does no good whatsoever cos it keeps there minds active and they never get into a deep sleep and that means there tired the next day and prone to been naughty.

good luck, it can be done just remember,

be consistant

Lillibet_2

You've probably already thought of this, but what are you feeding them? If they get some processed food (even just breakfast cereal!) this could be contributing to the problem. My almost 2 year old gets 99% home made or organic food, on the odd occasion he gets hold of, say an ordinary biscuit, his behaviour goes off the scale:eek:, the difference is soooooo noticable! The day he had a jaffa cake we nearly took him to casualty, he literally bounced off the walls for 14 hours:eek:
Things which advertise as not having artifical colours or flavourings still have addatives in them : preservatives and the other ingredients go through a chemical processing which adds additives, all of these things can set a child off.

You might already have this side of things covered, as I say it's just a thought.

FWIW my son is being a right little s0d at the mo, hitting & throwing all the time & laughing when we tell him no. (How do you effectively disicipline a 21 month old?) I'm told it's just a phase, but we may have put him up for adoption before he grows out of it, last night I burst into floods of tears after he went to bed & I am dreading this weekend with him as my husband is going away:eek::eek::eek:

Good luck;)

aeuerby

Whilst I agree that additives and processed foods are not good and some children are sensitive to them, it is not always practical or even affordable for everyone to switch to organic and preservative free food.

My children are very sensitive to caffeine and bounce off the walls if they have it but do not when they have cornflakes or weetabix for breakfast!

As has already been mentioned, the children need consistancy and a united front, ie, both parents need to be saying and doing the same things and backing each other up.

Try the supernanny type route?
Sit down with your children and draw up a list of house rules.
Stick to the house rules all the time.
Do not give in to anything "just this once" even when you are tired and frustrated as the children will pick up on this and all hard work and progress will be out the window.

If the children do not do as they are asked the first time give them a warning.
If they do not do as asked the second time, use a suitable punishment be it naughty type area or removal of a favourite toy/activity.
This must be done each and every time the child doesn't do as they are asked.
They will eventually get the message!

I had a "calming down" half hour before my children go to bed.
They had a bath (with a few drops of lavendar) pyjamas on they snuggled up to me or dad and just generally do nothing.
Then at bed time they had a story and then lights out.
The boredom of doing nothing works wonders.
Also if we were watching tv while they were snuggling, it was usually something that the children found boring so it didn't keep their mind so active!

Penelope_Penguin

Lillibet wrote: »

FWIW my son is being a right little s0d at the mo, hitting & throwing all the time & laughing when we tell him no. (How do you effectively disicipline a 21 month old?) I'm told it's just a phase, but we may have put him up for adoption before he grows out of it, last night I burst into floods of tears after he went to bed & I am dreading this weekend with him as my husband is going away:eek::eek::eek:

Good luck;)

Lillibet, 21m is a good time to start. When mine behaved like that, so I would put on my *stern face* and tell them in no uncertain terms that I wasn't joking. I never threatened anything that I wasn't prepared to carry out, but rarely had to resort to punishment / denial of privelege.

Spud wants your and OH's approval and attention more that anything atm, so the threat of removal should be a big incentive to him. If he continues to behave badly, ignore him and walk away. Refuse eye contact or conversation, until he's prepared to behave.

It took us no time at all, but at the time it seems never ending, and I cried often. The Small Penguins now understand where the boundaries are, and behave beautifully.

Best of luck

Penny. x

hobo28

Penelope_Penguin wrote: »

All I can go on is what worked for me and DH.

1. Be consistent between you and OH. You both have to be committed to this, and back each other up, or your children will play one off against the other.

2. Be determined - once you say something to the children it will happen - no backing down.

3. No threats unless you are prepared to carry them out.

4. Give the children a *5 minute warning*. For example, say that in 5 minutes (or what time is appropriate) it will be bed time. At the end of the time ask them to go to bed. If they don't switch everything off, put things away, and tell them again. If they still don't go, don't get into discussion, just go away and do what you're doing, and ignore them. Tell them again 10 mins later. Eventually they'll get bored and go (in theory!).

5. Spend time with them - for instance before bed have a story, a chat, a snack together.

6. It's attention that they're after - which is no bad thing. However, you're the adult and it's up to you to decide when they get that. As soon as they disobey a reasonable request, ignore them.

7. All 4 of you sit down, and explain to the children that as of now, there's a new regime. Explain clearly what will be happening, and what will happen if they don't comply.

HTH, Penny. x

I think Penny's post is absolutely spot on! I would like to add one more thing though. Positive praise. If they do something good praise them for it. At first, go a little overboard if you have to just until they get used to compliments for good behaviour. Even if its only something trivial like bringing you a hairbrush etc.

Consistency is absolutely key and never back down if you've made a threat. Otherwise they realise there's a chance if they kick off they could get away with it. There will be times where you think "OMG, I wish I hadn't have said that! It wasn't such a big deal" but in the long run it pays off.

Be realistic too. Children will act up. I have four and overall I must say they are very well behaved. However, there are still some nights I wish I could call in the UN Peacekeepers!