Why can't I just be left alone!?

DannyBo

coolcait wrote: »

Alas, poor Greta.

All these years later, and she's still being defined by a line uttered by the character she was playing in one of her movies.

And yet it was somehow apt.

Gavin83

I do think your OP was badly worded, hence some of the replies. However, I'm fairly introverted as well, need time on my own to recharge and struggle to spend long lengths of time in the company of others unless it's my girlfriend or my best friend, so I do understand where your coming from. I don't think your necessarily helping yourself in these matters though and need to look at it from a different angle.

You clearly see some sort of issue with saying 'no', thinking it'll upset people. However not doing so and building a resentment for people instead will just make the matter worse. In terms of your best friend, you need to explain that you need time on your own to relax but you appreciate your time together and therefore could you book a day one a week/fortnight/month to do 'something' together. At the moment she is likely just feeling rejected, actually putting something in the diary is likely to satisfy her, cause her to back off a bit and leave you feeling less harrassed.

As for your family, they sound like more effort than they're worth. If however, out of loyality you wish to consider seeing them, you need to be a little less of a doormat. See your nan/uncle when your happy with and tell your sister that you aren't willing to book dates off work on the off chance that she'll turn up and that you need to put dates in the diary together. Also if anyone tries to turn up again expecting you to pay for everything just tell them that you can't afford to pay for both of you and therefore you'll be staying in instead, they should soon get the hint.

As for your OH, I think it's nice he tried to cook and I don't see anything wrong with him wanted to cook because it's something he wanted to try out. However if it wasn't the day for it, you could have told him you'd rather a take away and leave the cooking for another night. You also have the option of helping out if his cooking isn't too good, he might well learn something and you could even have a bit of fun together. I really don't think it's fair to him to get too angry about this, although I suspect if the others issues weren't present you wouldn't mind as much.

I do think you'll find events and relaxing time much easier to cope with if you have it booked in advance though. It is extremely annoying to have a day that you wanted for relaxing taken over by a plan you didn't feel you had a part in. I love having days put aside for nothing but chilling out.

Take control of your life a little more, it will help!

thistledome wrote: »

LOL at the posters calling you miserable and ungrateful etc. I think they're probably the needy types that crave company and attention, like your "can't take a hint" friend. I call them emotional vampires.

I think thats unfair. The friend clearly just wants to spend time together and it'll take a cold/strange person to see something wrong with that. If the OP carries on she will 'take the hint' and really not want to bother anymore.

Dunroamin

coolcait wrote: »

Alas, poor Greta.

All these years later, and she's still being defined by a line uttered by the character she was playing in one of her movies.

And a line that's always quoted incorrectly.

SuzieSue

mrcow wrote: »

And start doing more stuff that makes you happy. Say "no" to people on things you don't want to do. If you don't want to visit your gran because she's a manipulative bully, then leave her alone. Don't visit her. And tell your uncle you'll let him know if and when you're going to visit. If he starts, just say goodbye and put the phone down.

You don't have to live an unhappy life. And you're entitled to your own space.

This. OP, why are you spending hours upon hours visiting someone you don't like?

heartbreak_star

Another vote for learning to say no here. It takes a lot of courage to say it the first time...but it gets so much easier

HBS x

sassyblue

As others have said OP you need to start saying 'no' - hard at first but it gets easier. The reason your friends and family think they can put upon you is because they are used to doing so.

And if you haven't got one get an answerphone and stop taking calls, answer them at YOUR leisure.

I used to be the first one people would call for computer problems, babysitting and general fetching and carrying duties but l've taken a step back. No-one has died as a result.

Tish_P

OP, it's easier said than done, but you need to set and then enforce some boundaries. The people you want in your life, who love you and want you to be happy, might be a bit confused by this at first, but they will come round.
You need time alone to be able to appreciate the people in your life when they are there. That's understandable, but you need to communicate that to those people clearly with both words and actions.

Switch your phone off sometimes.
Turn texts to silent and reply only if something's urgent.
Set a regular catch-up with your friend so she isn't scared you're rejecting her completely, then cut down contact outside that time.
If certain people make you feel bad whenver you talk to them, stop talking to them.
Do a solitary hobby - meditating? creative writing? long walk? sketching? - regularly, say one evening a week. Refuse all invitations for that evening and don't let anyone join in ("No thanks, I need my weekly dose of alone time").
Speak up about your needs rather than seething. "Hon, a roast will take hours and we have to be gone by 5, how about you cook it next week instead so we have time to appreciate it?"

I can be bad at this kind of thing too but it really is the only way.

exarmydreamer

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Another vote for learning to say no here. It takes a lot of courage to say it the first time...but it gets so much easier

HBS x

I agree, it may be useful to practice saying No in the mirror. It might sound strange but you just need to picture yourself confidently saying no. It really helped me to watch my facial and body expressions when using this word aloud. This made me more confident that I came across as positive and independent in my own views.