Giving and not receiving - bit of a rant

Person_one

becominganobsessivesaver wrote: »

I won't stop buying for our nephew as he is of the age when he thinks he's done something wrong, and that just seems unfair on him. We hardly see him as it is, and he's a lovely boy, so it keeps the contact there. I think mil may have already said something, but we'll wait and see.
It just annoys me that they were so fussy about what we should get him! Next time we just won't ask!

I think you're doing the right thing here, giving presents doesn't always need to be related to what you receive, in fact it shouldn't be about that at all!

You're doing it for all the right reasons, which is admirable, rather than getting caught up in tit for tat.

Mojisola

victory wrote: »

In our lot we stop at 18 , cards from there on it but a 12 year old rightly or wrongly hopes for a birthday/ Christmas present and a lot of it is the pure giddy excitement / anticipation of their big day and to see if they get what they so longed/ wished for:D

Not getting one present from one set of relatives isn't going to damage the little mite!

After all, if it was that awful a fate, becominganobsessivesaver's own children would be wrecks by now, having missed out on Christmas and birthday presents from the uncle and aunt.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

Not getting one present from one set of relatives isn't going to damage the little mite!

After all, if it was that awful a fate, becominganobsessivesaver's own children would be wrecks by now, having missed out on Christmas and birthday presents from the uncle and aunt.

If she loves the nephew and wants to buy him a present, she should buy him a present. Not stop just because of his parents' actions!

becominganobsessivesaver

Mojisola wrote: »

Not getting one present from one set of relatives isn't going to damage the little mite!

After all, if it was that awful a fate, becominganobsessivesaver's own children would be wrecks by now, having missed out on Christmas and birthday presents from the uncle and aunt.

I think it's more it is the norm for him to receive something (we also lived locally when he was young, took him and bil on holiday after he split with his wife, so we are part of his life. Mine are too young to realise, and since new sil came on the scene there has been little effort from bil to keep in touch (unless he wants something....) TBH gifts at birthdays and Christmas are a way us maintaining the relationship, and ultimately if they make the choice not to try and visit, call, send a token gift it's unlikely our children will notice, as they are unlikely to really know them at all.
I think this is why I feel a bit upset they made no effort, essentially it's like saying 'we don't really want anything to do with our niece and nephew'

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

If she loves the nephew and wants to buy him a present, she should buy him a present. Not stop just because of his parents' actions!

Yes, of course she should.

But if the present-giving isn't reciprocated and that upsets the OP enough to come on here to rant about it, then it's worth considering stopping giving a present.

Either give without expecting anything in return and without getting upset about it or stop giving the presents. Year on year resentment will come out at some point - usually when the family is going through some stressful period when stored-up anger can't be held back.

Just_a_Girl_2

This all sounds extremely familiar, have you posted about this before?

becominganobsessivesaver

Just_a_Girl wrote: »

This all sounds extremely familiar, have you posted about this before?

Don't think so, although I imagine it's not that rare a situation that someone else will have experienced the same.

sweaty_betty

I've experienced something similar. I was childless for a long time and bought presents for my friends' children (including my godchildren). They are now older (not quite teenage) and I have a child, but few if any of my friends buy for my LO.

I'm not going to stop buying for them in response, I'll keep going until they're 18 (as happened in my family) but I do feel sad that my friends don't seem to think enough of my LO to buy for him - or often even acknowledge his birthday with a card. It's not that we're in need of presents, it's the thought that counts (or doesn't in this case!).

I have wondered if it's these friends' way of telling me that I shouldn't buy for their children any more, but if it is I wish they'd actually say so.

becominganobsessivesaver

Sorry to resurect an old post but yet again this has happened at Christmas (a small part of me was hoping that it wouldn't but hey ho!)

Just trying to work out how to play this going forwards, as birthday season is upon us. I was thinking of asking someone in the family to explain to our nephew that his Dad had decided that instead of him buying presents for our kids, and us buying for him, we were going to use the extra money as a contribution towards whatever the parents buy (and vice versa) if that makes sense. I'm hoping that that would sound reasonable to a 12 year old. It seems a shame as the kids will lose the pleasure of giving, but at the minute I just feel a bit resentful that ours are being forgotten about.

mrcow

But it's not your nephew's fault. A £5 present is hardly going to break the bank and it shows that you care.

Why allow someone else's thoughtlessness stop that?

Your kids couldn't give a monkey's whether the BIL gets them a present or not (or if they do, they have issues!). They probably don't even notice.

So why upset yourself over soemthing so trivial and inconsequential. You buy a present to show you care - not in order to get one back!

You haven't stopped caring - so why stop the present?