Unbalanced relationship...

*Beki*

I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years now, we've rented 3 different houses together and have talked about marriage and babies down the line, so I think it's fair to say we're pretty serious

However, we have a few issues due to our different jobs, which I could use some advice on!

Basically I work 9-5:30, sometimes longer, at a reasonably stressful job in London- I've only been there a couple of months and am finding things tough going (it's a lot to learn!), although I do love it.

My partner works away for half of the year- 4 weeks away, 4 weeks at home etc etc.

While he's away, although of course I miss him, I develop my own routine- doing chores when I think they need doing, sometimes just coming home from work and lazing on the sofa in front of the TV, going to the gym etc, and getting up/going to bed when I want (obviously for work though).

While he's home, he has no commitments during the day, so will sleep in late and not really do much apart from going to the gym and playing PS3 etc. He does however take on a lot of the household chores, which I really appreciate, such as doing the washing, hoovering and quite often having dinner ready when I get home from work.

We didn't really discuss this arrangement, it's just kind of happened as he has the time during the day, and if he sees a job that needs doing, mostly he will do it! Definitely a plus point

However, today he told me he feels like I never do anything around the house, so now I feel like maybe I've been taking advantage of his time...

How can we resolve this so he helps out a bit but doesn't feel like my cleaner? lol

victory

Time management...just because he doesn't have commitments during the day should not mean he sleeps in late every day, play on his consoles, if there are things the house needs, like decorating, gardening, cleaning if he is there during the day he could do them but set a time, set a limit, set out a few daily chores he needs to do, when he has done them, the rest of the day is his?

He needs to do something during the day other than not a lot, 4 weeks at home not doing a lot is a long time

SuzieSue

So are you saying that he only works for 6 months of the year?

*Beki*

@SuzieSue Yes, basically- it's hard intense work (like rig work) so I appreciate he needs some time to relax when he comes home. And he is looking to get back into rowing (which he used to do at Uni) so that will give him a hobby to fill some of his time too.

I guess I was just asking whether I should feel guilty that he's doing all these things for me during the day? I don't really do much in the evening- help cook the dinner, maybe do some baking, general tidying/folding washing etc, but not anything major. I of course have to do everything myself when he's away at work, so I guess it's just nice to have someone doing it all for a few weeks!

love_lifer

You share a home, the chores should be shared- this isn't the 19th century. He isn't 'doing things for you' he's contributing a bit to the homestead, as any person should. He sounds entitled and idle to me., you work too and have to do the bulk of the work by the sound of it. But then I see home keeping as everyone's business not just women's (se xist twaddle)

SuzieSue

Ok, so if it is hard, intense work then he shouldn't be doing all that housework on his 6 months off. Yes, he is at home but he should be relaxing. So I think that you need to pretend that he is actually at work like you are and then share the housework. It will probably be fair for him to do slightly more housework than you as you do have to do all the housework yourself when he is away, but to be fair, you can choose if and when you do it.

Marshflower

Maybe you could divvy up chores that you do all the time - when he is home and away - and others that you do while he is away but picks up when he is home. Like, maybe you do the laundry all the time. Or the hoovering. Or always clean the bathroom. I understand it's good to be equal and you are working hard as well, but when you are doing the chores you are mainly just clearing up after one person, where as he is doing it for two - double the mess. So if you can help out that would even things up a bit. Is there anything he really hates doing but you don't mind?

VestanPance

He doesn't sound at all idle to me. It's just his work shifts differ from what is a normal Monday to Friday shift. That time off is exactly that, his time off.

He's obviously not that lazy if he's doing the chores and making meals off his own back anyway. This time off is technically his weekend as such, so it might just be he does need a few days of doing nothing to feel like he's had a break. Maybe you just need to be a bit more organised in what chores need done and when and who takes responsibility for them.

Is it possible he feels that you are ignoring some chores as you know he'll do them? It's one thing to say he's off so he can do it all, but in truth that's hardly fair. These guys that work away for weeks at a time tend to do 30 day straight and often 12 hour shifts or more. While the time off seems great to most regular office hour workers, they will need some days to just completely relax.

*Beki*

Thanks for all the replies! Some really helpful suggestions there.

I think that as we hadn't talked about it, things have escalated without really having any sort of plan. I like the idea of being a bit more organised, so that we both know what we need to do, and he doesn't feel like he has to do everything.

I hate washing up (lol) so he nearly always does that in the evenings, but mostly I don't mind doing other things. I shall have to ask him if there's anything he particularly dislikes, otherwise I think we'll just have a chat this evening about dividing tasks up a bit better.

It might sound like he has an easy life, and I am sometimes jealous of the time off and foreign travel he gets as part of his job! But having done it for a year myself, I know it's extremely stressful and tiring as you're always "on" and away from home comforts.

*Beki*

VestanPance wrote: »

He's obviously not that lazy if he's doing the chores and making meals off his own back anyway.

Is it possible he feels that you are ignoring some chores as you know he'll do them? It's one thing to say he's off so he can do it all, but in truth that's hardly fair. These guys that work away for weeks at a time tend to do 30 day straight and often 12 hour shifts or more. While the time off seems great to most regular office hour workers, they will need some days to just completely relax.

Thanks I know I'm extremely lucky to have someone who is happy to help out and do things without being asked! And I guess there is an element of me ignoring things, as I know he will have the time to do them. Not that I expect him to exactly- if it got to the weekend, and the bathrooms needed cleaning/hoovering needed doing I'd do it then when I have the time!

stir_crazy

You shouldn't feel guilty - if he's doing all the chores then what is there left for you to do? If he feels like you're taking advantage, offer to split the chores with him. Maybe he can run round with the hoover during the day, you can clean the bathroom and chuck on a load of washing in the evening?

My OH is away a lot of the time, (but not home long enough to split up my routine) so I get what you mean, but the way I see it, when he's away, you're cleaning up your mess, but when he's home he (in your case, I in mine) is cleaning up after two people. Might not be much of a difference in the level of cleaning in your case, but my OH treats our house much like a messy teenager would :rotfl: