Unbalanced relationship...

krlyr

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I think it all seems fair! You do everything when he's not at home, he does everything when he is. It's not like you sit on your butt when you get home and still expect him to do everything. I agree that he does need some time off during his month at home but he's not working all day so the bulk of the chores should be done by him. And he is relaxing actually - he's having a long lie and playing computer games.

I fail to see where the problem is.

Even if he does nothing chore-wise in those 4 weeks he's away with work (which we don't know yet), I don't think it's quite fair.
4 weeks, OP does all the chores for one person. 4 weeks, OP's partner does the chores for both of them. There will be literally double the amount of laundry (actually, in my case, my laundry almost always outweighs OH's laundry - he wears a uniform that he'll get several days use out of, whereas being in an office I wear different items on different days, so while I try to get a couple of days use out of them, there's generally more clothes of mine than his in the wash), nearly double the amount of washing up (no more pots and pans, probably, but twice as much plates, cutlery etc.), twice as much rubbish and so on.

Suppose it depends on other factors too - does OP see her OH's job to be equal to her workload, or more, or less? Does this affect the "best" split for chores? E.g. if her OH did 40 hour weeks while he was away, then he's only working roughly half as much as her. But if it's 60 hour weeks, 80 hour weeks, etc. it could change that dynamic again.

My OH works away at times and I don't really think of the chores I do when he's away as "our" chores - more just cleaning up after myself. He's not there to need clothes washed for him, he's not there to cook for, any mess created is mess I've created myself and so on. Just my view though!

Dunroamin

I wouldn't want to live with someone who thought it was OK to sit round all day playing games and then expect me to do chores when I came home from work in the evening, just because he worked away part of the time.

I wouldn't expect any decent man to behave like that.

Plethora_2

Person_one wrote: »

So out of every 8 weeks the OP does ALL the housework for 6 of them? That doesn't seem fair.

Well she does the housework for just her when he's at work, I presume he's having to keep his work accommodation clean/do laundry etc the same as she is?

Person_one

Plethora wrote: »

Well she does the housework for just her when he's at work, I presume he's having to keep his work accommodation clean/do laundry etc the same as she is?

Not necessarily, we don't know what his accommodation situation is when he's at work.

Mr_Toad

poet123 wrote: »

I don't have a lot of patience with down time whens stuff needs doing. When you are together if he is at home, there are lots of hours in a working day to both rest, play and do chores. Ok, when he first gets home let him relax and get back into normal life routines, but after a few days, definitely the first week (when chores can be kept to a minimum if the OP is already on top of them) then real life has to intrude imo.

The Op is out at work all day every day, if he got up at 11am, did some tidying and cleaning for 2 hours max, there are still over 4 hours when he can do as he pleases, gym, rowing, gaming. How hard can that be? Two people in a house if they are reasonably tidy and clean really don't create such an onerous amount of housework. He should try living here!!

Did you not read the original post?

This isn't about him not doing anything it's about him doing the chores while the OP is out at work and commenting that he feels the OP doesn't do much in the way of jobs when he's home.

As others, including me, have said it sounds pretty much even, I don't think anyone thinks the OP isn't doing her share either.

It's one of those something and nothing situations and all that it needs is for the OP to let him know he's not taken for granted. A simple don't bother with the hoovering, I'll do it later/tomorrow/at the weekend would probably do it.

Or even confront him wearing nothing but a smile and "who's been a good boy then." - Well it'd work for me.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

It would be useful to know a bit more info on that front. Some people who work away live like they're in hotels for that time, while some have to do all the 'chores' they would at home, it varies massively.

Even staying in luxurious hotels, while hardly a hardship, isn't with out some 'chores' which on long hours and in strange places can be fun or draining or both at the same time, depending on the place and person.

krlyr

Dunroamin wrote: »

I wouldn't want to live with someone who thought it was OK to sit round all day playing games and then expect me to do chores when I came home from work in the evening, just because he worked away part of the time.

I wouldn't expect any decent man to behave like that.

From the OP it sounds like he doesn't sit around all day, nor expect to be able to. Quite the opposite really, it sounds like he does the lion's share and he just feels like OP could perhaps help out a bit more. I think that's fair enough.

Cherry_Bomb

I have pretty much the same set up as the OP

Except mine works away 4 months at a time 1 month at home. In that month at home he does pretty much everything. Regardless of how hard he works when he's away. It's a real physical job and he has regular room inspections so its not like he doesn't do chores when he's there.

Tbh I've never really thought of it as unfair. He has chores 12 months of the year. I get a month off in every 4.

Hmmm maybe it is unfair actually?

But there's something nice about walking in the door to a clean tidy house. I'm not sure I'm willing to give that up for the sake of fairness!

I might keep this to myself. If it ain't broke don't fix it

poet123

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Did you not read the original post?

This isn't about him not doing anything it's about him doing the chores while the OP is out at work and commenting that he feels the OP doesn't do much in the way of jobs when he's home.

As others, including me, have said it sounds pretty much even, I don't think anyone thinks the OP isn't doing her share either.

It's one of those something and nothing situations and all that it needs is for the OP to let him know he's not taken for granted. A simple don't bother with the hoovering, I'll do it later/tomorrow/at the weekend would probably do it.

Or even confront him wearing nothing but a smile and "who's been a good boy then." - Well it'd work for me.

Yes, thank you, I have read the post, and what it conveyed to me was that he might be doing chores, but feels that he shouldn't really be doing them as he is "off". He feels that despite his OH being at work every day she should also do chores because this is his "down time". My point was that he has ample time for that and to do the chores whilst she is at work.

I don't agree with your interpretation, is that ok with you?

*Beki*

Hi again!

And thank you for all your comments and advice- it's been really helpful reading through.

We had a chat about things last night and I put forward some of the points mentioned on here. I think my major problem was that he was doing all the chores whilst I was at work, without being asked, then complaining I didn't do anything!

We're reasonably tidy people, but I think a bit of organisation was needed so we've decided that we'll split the major things together at the weekend. (1 week change bed, hoover- one job each, 2nd week clean kitchen + bathroom, one job each. This is what I do when he's not here to be honest so I keep on top of everything, so I just suggested we keep following my plan!)

Obviously anything that gets majorly dirty in the week can be cleaned, and he'll continue to do the cooking/washing up/clothes washing on most days, seeing as he likes us having time together in the evening Lovely guy really!

For those of you asking about his working environment- originally he was on ships where he had to keep his cabin clean, but now he's staying in hotels (slightly different job), so just has to organise washing of his clothes for the 4 weeks. I definitely don't think he's lazy or sits around all day doing nothing, just didn't want to be taken for granted as Mr Toad said. I guess I'd quite got to like having everything done for me for a couple of weeks!