Unbalanced relationship...

*Beki*

stir_crazy wrote: »

You shouldn't feel guilty - if he's doing all the chores then what is there left for you to do?

I think this is what I've been feeling slightly frustrated about! It's not like I left him a list of things to do, he's taken it upon himself to do the chores. Which I of course massively appreciate, but then I'm left feeling guilty that he's done all the hard work whilst I've done nothing!

Definitely some better communication/organisation required!

geoffky

He also works a 84 hour week..I am sure he needs the rest...

CupOfChai

I don't know how much you've discussed the doing of the chores, but you say if he sees a job that needs doing he will do it. Given this, maybe he ends up doing things that he sees need doing because he didn't know that you were going to do it, just you were going to do it later/tomorrow? Then he feels like he ends up doing everything. I don't know if you've tried saying e.g. "I'm going to clean the bathroom when I get in tonight, so if you were going to do it then don't worry, just leave it".

Or if having set days certain things are done would help? I don't know how that would work for you but it certainly helps for me or else I would always put things off until tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes!

Person_one

*Beki* wrote: »

Thanks I know I'm extremely lucky to have someone who is happy to help out and do things without being asked!

Don't fall into that trap! That's not 'lucky' that's just what grown ups do. Its one of my pet hates that when men do housework its referred to as 'helping' as though the default is that its the women's job.

I don't actually think your situation is all that unbalanced. You share a home, and you each do 100% of the housework 50% of the time. The only difference is that when its his turn, there are two of you living there which does create slightly more work in terms of washing/washing up, but only slightly.

I'd say you should probably chip in more at the weekends and maybe for the first couple of days he's back home so he gets some total rest time, but I wouldn't worry too much that you aren't doing enough. He gets an awful lot more free time than you after all, and you both work hard when you're at work.

Mr_Toad

victory wrote: »

Time management...just because he doesn't have commitments during the day should not mean he sleeps in late every day, play on his consoles, if there are things the house needs, like decorating, gardening, cleaning if he is there during the day he could do them but set a time, set a limit, set out a few daily chores he needs to do, when he has done them, the rest of the day is his?

He needs to do something during the day other than not a lot, 4 weeks at home not doing a lot is a long time

Not if he spends the 4 weeks away, he's not away on holiday. There's no quality down time when you are away from home and family. I've worked like this and if all you do is work, eat and sleep and have to be available 24/7 then you need your down time when you get back.

It's nothing like a normal job where you get a bit of down time every day when you finish work and can spend some of it doing chores and the rest relaxing, he gets his all in one lump.

There's every chance he's physically and mentally exhausted and needs the sleep to catch up and prevent burn out and lasting damage to his well being.

He's damned lucky he's got someone who understands and not someone who thinks that anyone not actually at work should be gainfully employed and not lazing about. It's not as if he's doing 'not a lot' to quote you either, he's doing 'a lot of the household chores' to quote the OP and cooking meals.

It sounds to me like the OP has done what many of us would do and has been enjoying the work he does when he's at home. There's no implied criticism here by the way, it's so easy to do.

I think all you need to do to fix this is before you go out to work tell him not to cook tonight and that you'll do it when you get back. Or, simply tell him to relax and not do too much, that you'll do <insert job here> together later. He may or may not take you up on the offer but he'll know you don't expect it and that you don't take him for granted.

InsideInsurance

Person_one wrote: »

I don't actually think your situation is all that unbalanced. You share a home, and you each do 100% of the housework 50% of the time.

This is potentially not true because it assumes he has no "chores" to do when he is away from home. When I work away from home I still have to cook, clean, do laundry etc so if the OP's b/friend does the same then they are both doing their own during the time he's away and then he's doing close to 100% when they're together.

Balancing household chores -v- work commitments etc is difficult for the majority of people. Even those where one partner works and the other is a "house person" can still have arguments over how much the working partner should do around the house.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom on how to resolve it. Sometimes it isnt just a matter of effort but also priorities, some cannot stand to see a dirty plate sat around for more than 5 minutes, others are happy to leave it until there is enough to do the washing up.

Ultimately it is a matter of compromise and respect. If he feels your not pulling your weight you'll probably want to either do a little more or at least balance priorities

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Buy a dishwasher. Problem one is solved. And you can clear the plates away, so it looks like you're doing more.

Bung bleach down the loo each night and wipe the sink, that way he sees the loo is clean. Clean the bath as you use it. So he doesn't need to.

When you get up/go to bed, make sure you put the washing in the linen bin. If he's doing the ironing/folding, get up and do it with him whilst talking about your day. Sweep the kitchen floor as you're waiting for the kettle to boil.

Those small things add up over time.

And don't ever fall into the trap of expecting the clothes fairy to deal with it.

suki1964

Me and hubby live like this

What makes it worse is I work late, around 11 pm so don't want my bed till 2am and then want to have a nap before work

Where as when he's home he's always on the bloody go and I never get a minutes peace lololololol

8 years of it and we kind of manage. He wants to be superman keeping the house and garden like a show home, his choice

I do all the washing, cooking and ironing

The rest as far as I'm concerned gets done by me when I'm ready. If he beats me too it, we'll done him

Don't feel guilty. It will take a while to you are both comfortable with each others lifestyles. It's always harder when one works away and it just takes that bit longer to find your comfort zone

Dunroamin

Unless you're incredibly houseproud or have an enormous house, I can't see that he can be doing more than a couple of hours a day, which seems to me to leave plenty of time for him to relax etc. However, I do think that you should get a dishwasher.

(And never say he "helps" because that implies that the housework's your job!)

daisiegg

Dunroamin wrote: »

Unless you're incredibly houseproud or have an enormous house, I can't see that he can be doing more than a couple of hours a day, which seems to me to leave plenty of time for him to relax etc. However, I do think that you should get a dishwasher.

(And never say he "helps" because that implies that the housework's your job!)

Where did she say she doesn't have a dishwasher?