Unbalanced relationship...

Dunroamin

daisiegg wrote: »

Where did she say she doesn't have a dishwasher?

Post #9, "I hate washing up (lol) so he nearly always does that in the evenings."

Birdie85

I kind of struggle to get the balance right with my OH too although we're getting better. He's much more uptight about having our flat like a show home than I am so will spend more time than I do cleaning, which I leave him to do since he's the one with the clean-freak genes. My OH works evenings whereas I work a normal 9-5 so even if I've been thinking all day 'Tonight I'll hoover, do a load of washing, put away the clutter on the coffee tale and clean the bathroom' odds are that by the time I go home at least 3 of those jobs have already been done and he's acting like a martyr because 'all he does' is clean.

Over the years we've learned to split things so neither feels hard done by. My OH hates cleaning the bathroom so I do that whilst he does the kitchen, he sets the washing going when he heads out to work, I hang it up to dry when I get home. He does the hoovering, I dust. He makes me lunch (I work close enough to home to pop back on my lunch break) and I will wash all of the dirty dishes from the day in one go in the evening.

It *is* difficult when one partner is at home all day though because they do their chores whilst the other is at work and they feel like they ought to be relaxing on an evening whilst the other still has things to do; when my DH is off work he would rather I spend my evening settled with him rather than flitting around doing my share of the housework so that can cause problems. If your OH is like this then it may be worth putting aside the first 30-60 minutes when you get home to whizz around doing your share of the work then switching off for the rest of the night. That way he'll still see that you're making an effort to help without it eating into too much of your time together.

murrayfan_2

It sounds quite fair really. Yes, he needs to relax on his weeks off, but maybe he could have a set couple of days each week when you're at work where it's agreed that he does exactly what he likes?. You could agree to cook dinner and wash up on those evenings maybe?. Sounds like maybe he just feels a little bit taken for granted now and then, otherwise sounds like you both have a nice situation there .

Plethora_2

Could you not do it by week? IE 1st week back you do it, two weeks in between he does, then you again? then he gets a break just before and after working.

Person_one

Plethora wrote: »

Could you not do it by week? IE 1st week back you do it, two weeks in between he does, then you again? then he gets a break just before and after working.

So out of every 8 weeks the OP does ALL the housework for 6 of them? That doesn't seem fair.

LannieDuck

I suggest that when he's home you share the chores. Maybe he does 75% since he's at home for the day and you're at work? (Normally I would say that the person at home all day should sort out most of the housework, but I think there's an allowance to be made if his job is very intense.)

When he's away you're doing all the chores at home, but I assume he has a room that he stays in where he does the chores at work. So during those four weeks, you're really just both taking care of yourselves. It's only during the 4 weeks he's home that the chores need to be split.

krlyr

A couple of people have already said it, but yes, remember that he may well have chores to do whereever he's staying for those 4 weeks - so it's not a case of 4 weeks without doing any chores, 4 weeks doing them.

I agree that sitting down and discussing between you what is fair is the best way forward. For example, OH decided to take on the laundry and the washing up, I do the cooking, hoovering, clearing the sides. Bits and pieces, mostly dependant on what we're better at (I'd rather eat my cooking than OH's!). But we still remain fairly fluid, I've done the washing up more lately since OH has been working later evenings and I figure the last thing he wants to do is get in to a pile of washing up in the sink, I'll often chuck in a laundry load if I've got extra stuff (e.g. particularly muddy dog walk so I have an entire outfit needing washing ASAP!), he'll often start dinner off on the nights I'm at college from part-prepped HM frozen dinners, if we do a batch cook he'll often help with peeling the spuds or chopping the onions and so on.

So, while taking ownership of certain chores can work, I think being flexible helps too as it's not always convenient for one person to always do one chore. You might even find splitting some chores to be a fairer way - e.g. he sticks the washing machine on during the day while he's home, and you hang it all up when you get in. Or he hangs it up and you sort, iron and put it away. And if he starts dinner, you can set the table, or vice versa. He washes up, you dry up and put away (or leave to dry, like I prefer, then put it away for him). Taking advantage of his being home in the day (e.g. I hate having the washing machine banging away while trying to watch TV!) but not leaving it all down to him.

If he's doing his share of chores at his own place while he's away then I think a near half-way share of the chores in his 'off' time would be fairer, IMO. Yes, he's at home all day but the other 4 weeks he's had hard, long hours and still had to do chores - so it's equally fair to expect you to chip in despite having worked a full day.

Maybe you could list all the general chores, split into daily/weekly/monthly and then see the best way to split. For example, you might find it a lot easier if, when you get in from work, you immediately grab the hoover and whizz it across downstairs. I find it a lot easier to get the chores done if I do them ASAP, rather than change into my 'downtime' clothes, put my feet up, etc. Upstairs might only need doing once a week or so, vs. downstairs every other day, so that could be a weekend chore instead.

Also working chores into your spare time can help as well. If I'm cooking dinner, I'll often wipe the other counters down while waiting for the kettle to boil, for example. If I have to grab a knife out of the washing up rack, I'll grab them all and put the rest away at the same time. Or if I'm standing there having let the dogs out for a wee (I like to keep half an eye on them when they're out in the garden so will hover in the kitchen), I'll check if the clothes on the airer are dry and I might fold up whatever's ready and put it in the laundry basket to save OH a bit of work later.
It takes 30 seconds or a minute at the time but can make a huge difference to get it over and done with rather than thinking that you have to go out of your way and do the whole lot.

Person_one

krlyr wrote: »

A couple of people have already said it, but yes, remember that he may well have chores to do whereever he's staying for those 4 weeks - so it's not a case of 4 weeks without doing any chores, 4 weeks doing them.

It would be useful to know a bit more info on that front. Some people who work away live like they're in hotels for that time, while some have to do all the 'chores' they would at home, it varies massively.

thehappybutterfly

I think it all seems fair! You do everything when he's not at home, he does everything when he is. It's not like you sit on your butt when you get home and still expect him to do everything. I agree that he does need some time off during his month at home but he's not working all day so the bulk of the chores should be done by him. And he is relaxing actually - he's having a long lie and playing computer games.

I fail to see where the problem is.

poet123

I don't have a lot of patience with down time whens stuff needs doing. When you are together if he is at home, there are lots of hours in a working day to both rest, play and do chores. Ok, when he first gets home let him relax and get back into normal life routines, but after a few days, definitely the first week (when chores can be kept to a minimum if the OP is already on top of them) then real life has to intrude imo.

The Op is out at work all day every day, if he got up at 11am, did some tidying and cleaning for 2 hours max, there are still over 4 hours when he can do as he pleases, gym, rowing, gaming. How hard can that be? Two people in a house if they are reasonably tidy and clean really don't create such an onerous amount of housework. He should try living here!!