MSE Newborn to 1 year (& beyond!) baby club 2

fluffnutter

I think it sounds a little difficult because on the one hand it's perfectly OK for Dewi to be without you for a few hours. It's healthy for you and who better for him to be with than his daddy? Which begs the question... why does daddy want to leave him with Grandma so he can watch the footy?! Dewi may as well be with you! I'd find it really odd if my OH said 'I'll take Freddie to give you a break for an hour or so (great! I can go to the pictures)... but I'll stick him round my mum's and go down the pub (!!!!!!?)'

Yes, you might have a bit of separation anxiety, but your OH's suggestions are hardly going to help you put things in perspective. Have you ever left Dewi?

sunshine_1988

Evening all

Glad George had a fab day katie. Made a mental note about the garage although our number 1 noisy toy is a vtech learning bug thing...argh its annoying!!

Bamama - big hugs. I agree with fluff, the early months really do test your relationship. A good few people on here have been really open about thier struggles. I never wanted to leave Aiden either, I remember he was about 4mnths old and OH took him to his mums one Sunday so I could have a bath and some time to myself, I even cried when they left!! But he was fine, OH tx me every so often to let me know all was well and it gave me a chance to have a few hours on my own - despite my reservations, I was really grateful to my OH for doing it, and I admired him for coping with LO for a few hrs - as he wasnt an easy baby

That being said, Id be miffed if he was dropping him with MIL and going for a few pints too...if your OH doesnt like that you bf and use a sling-is he a bit jealous of how close a bond you have? In which case it would make sense for him to want some Dewi time to bond a bit more himself. Whats his reasoning for leaving him with MIL?

I hope you manage to talk things through. If you are concerned you mayneed a bit of counselling for the birth etc, no shame in that - maybe mention it to the HV when you next get him weighed? Xxx

Bamama

This is my point. Why should we all be alone?

Our first 10 days we were in hospital so until day 10 he didn't really feel like he was mine.
I left Dewi with my dad to get my MOT sorted at the end of Jan. That was only for half hour though. OH has taken him shopping 3 times (2 food shops and a trip for him to get shoes) and he's gone to his mother's with him twice, all occasions being 2 hours (last trip to his mother's being 3.5 hours). We did once leave him for an hour with MIL to go food shopping.

I don't see that as being unreasonable considering he's 4 months old.

I was questioned about when Dewi can go to stay with MIL. I don't see this as being any sort of benefit to us and will only serve to give in to MIL's wish to have him.

Ano I caused some upset before with they way I worded things on a similar subject. I hope I'm not coming off as being overbearing or protective... I know he'll come to no harm and don't actually have a problem with leaving him as such. It's just the way it seems to be being forced upon me. Like I should be shipping him off for nights out, like I must desperately need a break. It seems like noone understands how much I enjoy being with him... should I be feeling like he's a burden?

My mother joked that I won't be letting him go until he's in school. This from the woman who shipped me off for weekends (admittedly she had to care for me and my brother while my dad had chemotherapy). Just because it's what she did, doesn't mean I should feel comfortable with it. In fact it has added to my desire to spend time with Dewi. I have more memories of other family members than I do of spending time with her. Tbh... I never remember doing anything with her before the age of 13 and my memories after that only exist because she made an effort to spend time and speak to me as she had left my father.

Sorry that's a massive rant but it's all swimming in my head and it felt like it needed to come out. I felt rather sick typing most of that. I don't deal very well with stress. I'm going to get some sleep before I start thinking about it any more.

Thank you for listening and sorry to bring the vibe down

Bamama

Sunshine - his reason was "so my mother can see him too". Just to clarify, watching football in this instance means a local game where he would not be drinking.

I may speak to HV. Thank you. I do always feel much better talking to you all

*Nutella*

Bamama, sending you a big ((hug)). Maybe talking to someone impartial would indeed help - it does sound to me as if it would be worth a try. One thing I'd say though, and you may not like it, but here goes: on the issue of Dewi being with your MIL not being of benefit to you. Try fast forwarding a year or two or five or ten, and think about how valuable a strong relationship with his grandmother would be for Dewi. And for your MIL, well all I can say is that I really really wish we had at least one set of grandparents in this country, but we don't. But when we do go and visit my parents (and in between on Skype), I see the enormous joy that my LO is giving them So even if you don't feel that Dewi seeing his grandmother is of any benefit to you now, try to see beyond that. Plus, there'll come a time when you'll want to go out for dinner or to the cinema or whatever, and you'll be really glad to have a willing babysitter that Dewi already knows well Hang on in there, I hope things improve for you very soon x

*Nutella*

Ladies: v tech = annoying. Always. We've got the walker and LO loves it, but beyond that there's a strictly enforced v tech ban imposed on this household. I'm sorry to say that my sanity takes precedence over my child's desire to press plastic buttons, and in the long run I'm pretty sure that having a sane mother is of greater benefit to her than battery-operated plastic toys ever will be. But I could be wrong.

PS: The walker has already affected communication in this household. The other day I squeaked 'Ringaling! The animals sing!' to OH, to which his reply was 'The sun is shining!'. I realise this will make no sense to anyone that doesn't have the misfortune of owning a v tech walker, but if you do have one, you'll understand

martafdz

I wish I had some sound advice, bamama. I don't see why you have to go to mil's during the week or at all if you don't feel like it. Your mil can come visit you if she feels the urge, but D is your baby, and your parenting is what goes here. Your mil had her children and her chance to raise them. So if you want to BF, baby wear and BLW, then it's your choice and that's that, and in my opinion those are great choices. Don't let anyone judge you, and put your foot down if you feel you are doing the best for your baby. I also don't remember my mum until I was about 8, she sent me to live with my grandmother for no real reason. I now want to spend as much time as I can with my daughter and I'll try to make sure I build memories to treasure.
I don't get either that "take some rest" advice when obviously you don't feel like you need it (and taking into account that D spends time with his grandmother every weekend anyway, you are talking about time on top of that, in the week). It depends of lots of circumstances, your baby, your mood, your environment, the support you have... at this moment, you might feel more relaxed with D than without him, and I think that's fine. And it seems that they want you to leave D with MIL not for your benefit, not for Dewi's, but for MIL's. I can understand babysitting for a bit if needed, but just for the sake of it? Specially when for what you suggest, you want quality time with D and OH. Maybe if you had enough of that, you'd consider leaving D for a couple of hours with MIL to have other kind of quality time with OH, I don't know. I personally don't leave V unless I really really really have to. V is a happy and good baby, though, so that probably makes a difference with regard of needing rest or support. She's very demanding, if I'm two feet away, she complains ; and if I'm a foot away but I'm looking at anything else but her, she also complains, lol. But I love her to bits, never knew motherhood was going to be this wonderful (the feeling, not the lack of sleep!), and maybe that's why I'm also all over her. I know that my own experience with my mother is making me more conscious about what kind of mother I want to be, and I also don't want to leave her with anyone because I was often left with anyone. I have no bond whatsoever with my mother, despite her renewed attempts later in life, and that shapes my reactions and feelings towards leaving my lo with anyone else. My mum said recently I should send V on holiday a few weeks so DH and I could go on holiday, I told her I'd not do that, family holidays will be "family" holidays, the three of us. I know, however, that in other circumstances, with other kind of family and other personal experience, that idea would not have offended me and it would be quite normal. I know you have carefully worded what you meant this time, but I totally get what you mean, maybe because that's how I felt as a child, an inconvenience.

*Nutella*

Spent the evening with LO at the local hospital's children's emergency ward Will provide details tomorrow (I'm tired...), but the bottom line is that we're home now, she's asleep and all is well (I hope!). Good night all x

martafdz

Oh my, nutella, I hope your lo is ok and was nothing too serious, big hugs.
And happy (late) birthday G!!! I hope he had fun!!! Any pics to share?

Mrshaworth2b

Nutella - I hope lo is all ok

Banama - from what you've said it seems you and oh are on totally different pages when it comes to certain issues (def the smacking) I agree that you need to talk about these before they become bigger issues within the relationship.

I also think you need to really express how your feeling at the moment about leaving D, I personally dont think there's anything wrong with the way your feeling but do think your past relationship with your mum is affecting it, however if your a great mum to D who cares?

I do agree that fast forward you will be grateful of a good relationship between D and his grandparent, however I don't think that means that you should hand him over just because others think you should, can she not come round and see him if she wants to spend time with him? At least then she gets the time with him but your there as well so your not missing out?

From reading your post it doesn't seem like anything you can't fix, you just need to have a honest adult conversation with oh, sorry if I've worded any of this wrong, it's half 3 good luck and were always here to sound off on if needed!