Buffy takes babysteps.

beanielou

^^^ From me too xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Suffice to say I have recently found out some stuff re family that has shocked and saddened me.

On some level this has made my depression much worse and so my tendancy towards spending has increased. Trying to make everything ok, trying to find an answer, trying to be happy make other people happy. Trying my hardest to ignore reality.

I have been pondering some where what to do with this information and how to move on.

I have been trying to tell myself I am lucky and to some extent I am that.

However in other ways I am really not. I am often the mug, the nice one, the one no one calls to see if they are ok but conversely I am always a not good enough try hard - something told to me virtually from birth so I believed it and lived it. A good friend, an idiot girlfriend, a reliable sensible person who has cab money and the answers.

I know I have good friends thankfully, but I also know the above description fits me for a lot of people in my life. Especially my family.

The cold hard anger I feel will no doubt fuel what ever comes next in my life.

This is more than vent or rant this is an actual realisation that I have been a complete !!!!ing moron and need to move on.

beanielou

Big huggles Buffy xxx

Sun_Addict

Oh buffy it's time you put yourself first. Let your family sort themselves out. Unfortunately you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. They don't deserve you.

Buffythedebtslayer

Thank you Beanie and Sun Addict - can't believe you took the time.

Am all flushed and angry have shouted at the guinea pigs - the lowest thing I have ever done. poor things. I am feeling less guilty about it - stay with me here before you all rush off and phone the RSCPA, they react to unusual noise things by running away and squeaking loudly - they did not squeak when I shouted merely legged it - a standard reaction to any noise. I shouted cos they had eaten they puppy pads cos Mum hadn't given them any hay. Am reasonably sure the pads are good for them and COULD NOT BELIEVE Mum said oh well they hadn't eaten all their dried food so ugh do you know what I will just get angry again.

Guinea pigs all eating hay. Hope they are ok. fear is so bad for them but Mum and everything just got to me. If one of them dies it will ruin me. I do love them. Am not feeling less guilty at all.

Am now going to be worried about them.

been looking at rentals so expenisve unless I live somewhere horrible. am in a complete state of flux to be honest. I think I still need to deal with stuff.

and check on the piggies

xxx

beanielou

I'm sure the piggies will be ok Buffy.
I'm more concerned about you.
Take care of you xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

thanks Beanie xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Depression is horrible.

So is skin cancer.

And having no money.

any how I cannot go on like this. Feeling trapped, hugely stupid and like my life is over.

I know it is not. We all have potential. Even if I don't feel like I do. somewhere inside it is there.

My boyfriend is lovely by the way. This means he will leave me! but he is lovely. Wished I could be with him last night. Too many shocks and realisations in one weekend and lots I have been ignoring, laying in the dark on my own is not good.

Any how have a good day all.

xxx

urg123

Oh Buffy - so sorry to read things are so tough. Hope the anger leads to a positive for you. sending you lots of hugs.

Urg x x

Snagggles

Ah Buffy, I hate seeing you going through all this.

It has been obvious for a long time that you have felt frustrated and stressed with your life, but sometimes you need a push to get to the point where you can make changes. I hope this is your push.

You don't have to change everything. Just choose one thing you can change to make your life better, and change it.

Your boyfriend DOES sound lovely. That doesn't mean he will leave you. YOU are lovely too. I imagine he feels powerless to help you, as do we, but that doesn't mean he won't want to be around you. We're all still here, aren't we?

Of course you have potential, but more importantly, you are lovely right now, exactly as you are. If you need to change, do it for you. We like you anyway.