Alcoholic Parent

HeadAboveWater

I never said for one second I thought I was anybody. I merely stated the fact that it was good to read posts from different people and different angles. At no point did I say I thought any one view was more right or wrong than another.

Apologies if you took offence.

Own_My_Own

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

I never said for one second I thought I was anybody. I merely stated the fact that it was good to read posts from different people and different angles. At no point did I say I thought any one view was more right or wrong than another.

Apologies if you took offence.

Then you should look at your wording. I did not 'not choose to support' . I put myself and my children first. I walked away from an abusive situation.
Not a lot different to your husband really, although unlike him I never choose to be the relationship in the first place.

I take it he did not leave children in her care.

HeadAboveWater

I apologise for my wording then. Your post was actually one I thanked yesterday because of what you wrote. Like I said it's given me a lot to think about.

Yes OH has full custody of his girls.

Own_My_Own

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

I apologise for my wording then. Your post was actually one I thanked yesterday because of what you wrote. Like I said it's given me a lot to think about.

Yes OH has full custody of his girls.

I hope one day they realise how lucky they are.

We were not all that fortunate.

dawn_rose

Hiya. I found in my study of addiction that addiction itself is not an illness but by classing as one by society means they can offer help in these matters. Acoholism like any other addiction is a life choice. Alcohol itself is not addictive otherwise everybody who ever had a drink would have it. They choose to be an alcoholic through their own choice and have a weak personality which means they get hooked. When there an addict of anything they cant see it as they say when they can to stop they dont want too and when they want too they cant. The want to change the life choice has to come from the addict, you could try shocking them into it, they could loose every thing and hit rock bottom but sometimes even this doesnt work. it is like they are blinkered.

Some excellent ideas on the forum re shock tactics esp of sommer who whatever reason decided enough is enuf and beat it. It is breaking the habit that is often the worse plus it needs to be done through treatment as cold turkey can kill you too.
Dont mean to offend snybody by my post it is only the findings from my study that i am sharing.

I hope you get through to your parent. It is hard to see ive had exp of it in my family too.

Joons

I know and understand nobody is forced to become an alcoholic but I have friends who have a huge capacity and drink until they physically can't, whilst others are either moderate to tee total. Do you think there is something in an individual's genes that makes alcohol more addictive to some but not others?

dawn_rose

quite possible for it to be genetic i suppose or it could be learned behaviour we all either tend to copy our parents example in life or completely shun it.

fluffnutter

Joons wrote: »

I know and understand nobody is forced to become an alcoholic but I have friends who have a huge capacity and drink until they physically can't, whilst others are either moderate to tee total. Do you think there is something in an individual's genes that makes alcohol more addictive to some but not others?

Yes, absolutely.

Sommer43

There has been no proven study to confirm what causes a person to become addicted to alcohol. Just like there is no study to confirm why a person becomes addicted to nicotine.

But, addicted people become and I am not speaking of those who kick their shoes off on an evening and proclaim "Am gasping for a drink"

In my study of my own behaviour, I have an inherent streak in my genetic make-up which has me addicted to the point of no control. That does not equate to "addictive personality disorder" and my boss once said to me "If you applied yourself to a business as much as you do to your knocking back booze, you'd be a successful businesswoman" It took me years to work that one out and he is a psychologist who performed tests on finance directors, actuaries and other high-flying folks. I asked him about it and he equates addiction to the body simply absorbing a substance and the body becoming addicted. As Dawn rightly points out, not all people who drink become addicted. Just like some who smoke can take it or leave it, or only smoke when they drink. I loved booze, I loved how it made me feel, I loved what it did to me and I loved the sensation. What I didn't like, was when I realised I was addicted and could not cope without it. The mornings after a bender meant I had to have a drink to function, without it, I felt poorly and shaky. With it, I became functional. It only took one.

My life eventually became all about finding that next drink to overcome the feelings, it stopped being a choice then. I hated the taste, I couldn't eat and I couldn't speak till I had had a hit of alcohol. This is why I cannot do AA, I have yet to come across a person who believes this about me. Initially it was a choice, then it stopped being a choice and the doctor put me on slow withdrawal programme. I had to gradually reduce the alcohol intake, as had I stopped immediately, my organs were in danger of shutting down. Why the NHS does not promote AA's method of complete abstinance. They will not support the method of withdrawal and even in the Big Book, it does suggest having medical intervention in the withdrawal of alcohol. It is dangerous for a person who is addicted to go cold turkey. In the end it took a week for me to withdraw and after that I began to feel better. My body stopped craving it so much and it became easier. I took medication and the doctor visited me over the period of the week as my blood pressure was dangerously low.

AA is good for the mental obsession and there are many people who are in AA who come because they have been nicked for drink driving and there is a court order for a programme. Child residency disputes will have a parent going for hair follicle testing and there they will recommend AA. It is usually when a person is in trouble with their lives, they come to AA. The peer2peer group does work with the mental obsession and people leave feeling relieved they are not alone. It's mental and not physical. I realised this would never work for me. Strange people hugging me and parroting "well done on seven hours, two minutes and 45 seconds of not drinking" I nearly !!!!ing died from the stuff. To be patronised at three months sober by a bunch of people who are trying to remain sober, in being given a nice coloured coin for my efforts are not for me.

It has taken me over two years of building my health (and then a dose of breast cancer) to get me back to being of a healthy weight and an all round good healthy mind and body. My mind was not the problem, it was my body that was seriously messed up. I couldn't eat anything for six months and had to have protein shakes. I couldn't work, yet I could when I had one drink previously in the mornings. The choice is there for me now, I am no longer addicted and may the gods that are AA come and get me and strike me down for saying this: I am recovered from my alcoholism. (You say you're recovered in AA meeting and you're in for a slating) My body has recovered and my brain tells me "You pick up another drink, Sommer and you're heading back to being one ill mess again"

Now, before all the AA members come and strike me down, if it works for you, then great. There are some very good people in AA, but I haven't got a disease, I haven't got a mental obsession with it and I didn't drink because I was in pain. I drank first, then the pain started, I drank more and more until my body became addicted. I worked in a profession and it was dealt with in-house by HR. I got better because I didn't drink. The streak in me, whatever caused my body to become addicted is still there and I will do it again if I have a drink.

I choose not to. So here's to a Friday night, with my glass of blood orange stuff from Marks & Spencers... Oh and I smile when I go away with my girls and they all get their bottles of wine and they arrange for me to have non-boozey cocktails. But, I save a fortune in taxi fares for us all... I save handbags shoes, keys, bank cards and round up my flock and take them home. I had enough, the thought of ending up killing a person, hurting my children and my family any longer was a wake-up call and that was the mental cognitive strength which got me through the physical addiction.

rosered1963

Sommer43 wrote: »

Absolutey nothing. You cannot do anything. Trust me, I am one.

But you can refuse to engage with them if they are drunk. I lost friends, my children, my husband, my home. But, I had a common sense attack when I woke up in a police cell over two years ago. I have not touched a drop since then and it has been hell. My problems didn't start until I put the drink down.

Am sure you've tried to talk to your parent, am sure you've told them what to do, where to go for help, and to stop drinking.

Alcoholics are cunning, devious and lie, lie and then lie some more rather than face up to their fears. It is an act of terrorism for me, instilling terror in those they love. That's what terrorism is. Plain and simple. I don't subscribe to the "I am addicted and it is a disease" I subscribe to "Put the sh1te down and sort out your life and gain the trust back of those around you who love you and care" If I pick up one drink, I get drunk. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Until your parent has been lost enough, lonely enough, angry enough and hungry enough, until they have had enough, they will not get the support. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT.

Nobody could make me put it down. I had to do it myself. My father at my request locked me in my childhood bedroom after seeing a doctor for help with withdrawal as alcohol withdrawal can kill you. And he spoon fed me soup while I begged him for a drink. I will never forget the tears in his eyes feeding his 41 year old daughter who he loved dearly and watching her scratch her own skin till it bled. I'll never forget the face of my 9 year old daughter finding me face down in the gutter in my own vomit. Those are the terrors I still to this struggle with. I set a bomb in my family and they have had to pick the pieces up and now two years later, married again and with a great husband, I have built a life without drink and am much happier than I ever was.

You can only tell the parent your pain, shake them, tell them to stop and leave. Then let the parent carry on or stop. When they stop, then you will have a job on your hands, to help them through it. Until then, there is nothing you can do.

Best of luck.

Sorry to butt in, but what a fantastic post, Sommer.