Alcoholic Parent

HappyMJ

What do you do with someone who has plenty of money to afford to drink...denies they have a problem and say they aren't an alcoholic as they don't drink EVERY day. I would have thought almost nothing.

Sommer43

fluffnutter wrote: »

For me, the problem with AA is its insistence that alcoholism is a disease and that you must give yourself over to a higher power to cure that disease.

Alcoholism is a choice, not an illness. Yes, there are those that have genetic propensities towards it but I still believe it's something that an individual has choice over. Not easy choices, of course, but a choice nonetheless. People must be helped to control their lives, not hand that control over to something else.

You have broken my thoughts there, Fluffnutter. I have never heard such rollocks in all my life. Now, as the poster above has said, who is anyone to criticise anyone if they have got sober and now lead a sober life? I do agree with this and I have been to many AA meetings. I have dozens and dozens of stories from people who spout the same conditioned lines over and over again. But the worst thing that didn't work for me was being told "If you don't do the steps you will never get sober" and "If you don't give yourself over to a higher power you WILL return to a drink" AA and how it was born, I take my hat off to. However, despite it claiming to be a non-profit organisation and attraction rather than promotion, there were a number of people in there who were all about getting it on TV and radio and promoting the programme. Some people are so patronising. I had enough crap of my own going on without filling my head with someone else's crap. And self proclaimed good sponsors who would mentor you through anything? Nah, give me my friends, my kids, my husband and my sobriety at home and the risk of losing them anyday over trying to find some bloody guiding light which will come and "rescue" me from the devil's juice?

My friend went to Al-anon while I sat in my first AA meeting, as a way of support. She came out of the room and said "No !!!!!!!g wonder you lot drink listening to that lot in there" A circle of people listening to people who have "split more on their tie than you have drunk" it's not for me. I went I tried, I left and managed to do it myself at home with those around me who I loved and cared about. It was depressing and to be told I had a disease made me think I may as well be a !!!!head. It made me feel as though the doctor had told me I had two hours to live.

The only way to be sober is not to drink. You're right, that's a choice. I chose to drink and then I became dependant on it. As I was dependent on nicotine. It's about self-control and caring about those around me, I have control now because I am through the cravings and I can control what I shove down my throat.

Accountant_Kerry

I very rarely post but this thread has made me want to. Whilst Sommer is commendable please don't believe that all alcoholics eventually have this realisation. They often don't. Both my parents were alcoholics and all the medical professionals I spoke to agreed there are many different types of alcoholic.

My father worked everyday never touched a drink until he got home but then would drink a bottle of whiskey and be in bed by 9.

My mother drank and lied similarly to Sommer.

I'm sorry to say they died at 50 and 49 years old. Some people jus can't break the cycle.

Please don't believe if you leave them alone they will see sense as that's an approach that can backfire.

abailey54

Accountant_Kerry wrote: »

I very rarely post but this thread has made me want to. Whilst Sommer is commendable please don't believe that all alcoholics eventually have this realisation. They often don't. Both my parents were alcoholics and all the medical professionals I spoke to agreed there are many different types of alcoholic.

My father worked everyday never touched a drink until he got home but then would drink a bottle of whiskey and be in bed by 9.

My mother drank and lied similarly to Sommer.

I'm sorry to say they died at 50 and 49 years old. Some people jus can't break the cycle.

Please don't believe if you leave them alone they will see sense as that's an approach that can backfire.

I'm with you on this. I was hesitant to post (but have been following this thread with interest), partly because I took a completely different approach to my alcohol dependent parent than to what has been suggested here.

I stayed close to her, learnt a fair bit about her life before me, why she drank (and had tried medication and counselling etc first), did what I could for her and I was there when she went to the hospital for last chance saloon (I personally packed her bags), I was there every single day she was there (10 of the worst days of my life), I was there when she was begging me to take her home (I had to lip read as she'd had to have a tracheotomy) even though she had tubes attached to every organ (had to pretend I was going to get someone with a car when I left sometimes ) and I was there when she died at 49.

Could I have done more? Sure. Could I have stopped her drinking? No. I don't believe that if I'd have said 'give up drinking or else you won't see me again' that it would have helped anyone. Her life had been hard enough and after all she'd done for me, I just could not have done that to her, especially with the abuse she was presently suffering (a different story altogether). She was always going to die the way she did and I'm just glad I was there, I'd rather that than to have become estranged as I think the guilt would be ten times worse and I'd rather have truly known her and her interesting life story, and where I came from. Besides which, she was lovely; I'd have missed her rotten

Sorry if my opinion upset anyone. I'm so pleased for Sommer and others like her, such an inspiration. OP I think if the situation hasn't been going on for long then there's every chance your Mum will make a good recovery, so don't lose hope. My parent was drinking heavily for at least 15 yrs if that helps perspective

...now I'll run for cover before I'm told I signed her death certificate...:o

Couchiex3

My mum is an alcoholic, has been for as long as I can remember.

There is nothing you can do to change the way your parent is, they have to do it themselves. I never used to think it, but I agree with whoever said get yourself some support, alcoholic parents can be so damaging, its good to have somebody to speak to about it.

Ladyhawk

abailey54 wrote: »

...now I'll run for cover before I'm told I signed her death certificate...:o

I would really be surprised if anyone posted that. She made her choices and you weren't going to change her mind. Well done for making the best of a very, very bad situation

HeadAboveWater

Following this thread with great interest.

OHs ex is an alcoholic, and he has full custody of their 3 DDs. It's interesting to read other peoples' experiences, and from 3 different angles:

the alcoholic themselves

the son/daughter who chooses to support

and the son/daughter who chooses not to support.


It def has given me a lot to think about in trying to be there for the girls when they've been let down by their mum yet again.

To the OP, I think you'll know yourself what you have to do, but so long as you remember yourself in all of this, and how everything affects you. Whatever you decide, just make sure you have support around you.

HAW

Girlzmum

Aileth, I just wanted to add that my dad knows I will not visit if he has been drinking. He now lives with my grandparents and I arrange any visits in advance, if I have any suspicion that he or my granny have been drinking I will take my girls and leave. Now, I have arrived and granny will be in bed the entire time I'm there (because she's 'tired') but I refuse to have my girls growing up thinking it is normal to see them drunk.

puppypants

Sommer43, you are an inspiration, and a person I would be proud to call friend. xxx

Own_My_Own

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Following this thread with great interest.

OHs ex is an alcoholic, and he has full custody of their 3 DDs. It's interesting to read other peoples' experiences, and from 3 different angles:

the alcoholic themselves

the son/daughter who chooses to support

and the son/daughter who chooses not to support.


It def has given me a lot to think about in trying to be there for the girls when they've been let down by their mum yet again.

To the OP, I think you'll know yourself what you have to do, but so long as you remember yourself in all of this, and how everything affects you. Whatever you decide, just make sure you have support around you.

HAW

Am in my phone to cannot highlight text. But I find your comment

the son/daughter who choose not to support

BLO0DY INSULTING!

How dare you imply I CHOOSE not to support. How dare you imply I am somehow wrong for not supporting a woman who has made my whole life a misery.

Who do you think you are ?