Alcoholic Parent

aileth

Just looking for a bit of advice, what do you do if you have a parent who is an alcoholic (We're talking a minimum 13 units a night up to 30-35, can't go without a drink), very much using it as a crutch, but who does not accept they have an issue and does not accept that they need support or help?

sparrer

The first thing to do is get yourself some support, there are various organisations for the relatives of alcoholics the most well-known is AlAnon. Your local number will be in the phone book, the national number is 020 7403 0888. They won't try to talk you into anything, they're just there to listen and perhaps suggest what you can do to help yourself.

There is nothing you can do for the alcoholic. It's a dreadful position to be in, of course you feel helpless and want to make them see what they're doing but you just can't. Until your parent reaches their rock bottom and eventually asks for help, your hands are tied. By rock bottom I don't necessarily mean prison, losing their licence, losing home, job, family, friends (but be aware that it happens all too often) I mean getting to the point where they lift the glass/bottle to their lips and just can't take one more swig. More often than not when the alcoholic reaches that stage they'll use the words 'God help me!' or similar. Then you can help to get them to call AA/see their GP/look for a clinic/whatever ways you can use, because it's not until they're down there and ask for help that you can do anything.

I'm sorry to make it sound so horrible but that's the nature of this illness. Alcohol is often, as you so rightly said, a prop, a crutch, to mask other issues. It starts as a friend with a solution, then it turns on you and does its best to kill you. It's cunning, baffling and powerful, it's a cruel, destructive and devastating disease which has taken some of my best friends.

I wish you and your parent all the very best, and a return to some sort of normality sooner rather than later. God bless

aileth

Thank you very much for the kind response. I was worried that was the case. It has really come to a head now and has started to take its toll on everyone. Quite narrow mindedly thought perhaps we could intervene before rock bottom, and even though you can take a horse to a counsellor (forcibly) you can't make it talk.

I live quite far away from my parents at the moment, so only get the information through phone calls etc, which makes it even more difficult.

Girlzmum

Hi Aileth, I have lived with alcoholism in my family for most of my life. I've grown up with an alcohol dependant grandmother, it took me years to work out that she didn't wear horrible perfume - that was the smell of whiskey, and have watched as it took over the lives of 5 of her children, my father included. My grandmother is still alive and drinking away however 2 of her children are now dead because of drinking related illness.

Not one of them would ever admit they have an issue with alcohol, yet they'd happily point their finger at everyone else and say they have an alcohol dependance!

Personally, things came to a head with my father in my teens (caused my parents marriage to split, he blamed me and at a very low point he told me he should have had me aborted when he had the chance to) but I came to realise I was banging my head off a brick wall when it came to his drinking, the person who was being hurt the most was me.

If someone is in complete denial about the effect their drinking (or any addiction) is having their lives and the lives of everyone around them then you cannot force them to see it. As Sparrer has said, get yourself some support - it is so hard to have to live with watching someone you love destroy themselves. They will hit rock bottom and hopefully it will spur them on to seek help but unfortunately its not something that can be pushed.

sparrer

I understand your concern re living a distance away but talking with AlAnon, even just by phone, will help answer some of your questions and hopefully quell some of your fears. I don't know you parent's situation but if there's someone you can trust who lives nearby perhaps you can ask them to keep you informed should anything untoward happen such as illness, not eating etc. I'm sorry I can't give you a more positive answer to your worries and your parents' illness, there are no magic solutions. I just hope and pray they find what I did, and get their life back. S

Sommer43

Absolutey nothing. You cannot do anything. Trust me, I am one.

But you can refuse to engage with them if they are drunk. I lost friends, my children, my husband, my home. But, I had a common sense attack when I woke up in a police cell over two years ago. I have not touched a drop since then and it has been hell. My problems didn't start until I put the drink down.

Am sure you've tried to talk to your parent, am sure you've told them what to do, where to go for help, and to stop drinking.

Alcoholics are cunning, devious and lie, lie and then lie some more rather than face up to their fears. It is an act of terrorism for me, instilling terror in those they love. That's what terrorism is. Plain and simple. I don't subscribe to the "I am addicted and it is a disease" I subscribe to "Put the sh1te down and sort out your life and gain the trust back of those around you who love you and care" If I pick up one drink, I get drunk. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Until your parent has been lost enough, lonely enough, angry enough and hungry enough, until they have had enough, they will not get the support. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT.

Nobody could make me put it down. I had to do it myself. My father at my request locked me in my childhood bedroom after seeing a doctor for help with withdrawal as alcohol withdrawal can kill you. And he spoon fed me soup while I begged him for a drink. I will never forget the tears in his eyes feeding his 41 year old daughter who he loved dearly and watching her scratch her own skin till it bled. I'll never forget the face of my 9 year old daughter finding me face down in the gutter in my own vomit. Those are the terrors I still to this struggle with. I set a bomb in my family and they have had to pick the pieces up and now two years later, married again and with a great husband, I have built a life without drink and am much happier than I ever was.

You can only tell the parent your pain, shake them, tell them to stop and leave. Then let the parent carry on or stop. When they stop, then you will have a job on your hands, to help them through it. Until then, there is nothing you can do.

Best of luck.

aileth

Thank you so much for the contributions. Yes, I tell my dad and my sibling to please not talk to her when she is under the influence. They do this, but all hell lets loose, items get broken, smashed etc, and then she storms out and will only come back once asked. She complains about being lonely, but from someone on the outside she has brought that on herself, and I think it's one of the reasons she drinks really. When I visit, feel like I have to tiptoe around and am constantly warned not to say X or Y as it will kick off, as much as I want to grab her by the shoulders and give her the blunt, honest truth, but feel I can't as I can go home after the weekend and dad and sibling can't.

Looking back, absolutely shocking how much has changed over the past two years. We used to all go out in town together, all have a glass of wine over a ladie's lunch (not a bottle!), she used to have so many hobbies, and now complains how bored she is and rejects any suggestion of taking up old stuff. It is devastating as I feel like I've lost a mother, and as much as I feel like the only one, I am really grateful to see other's experiences.

ValHaller

Sommer43 wrote: »

My problems didn't start until I put the drink down.

Good grief, that is a scary write up. I take it what you are saying is that the problems were there before but they didn't get started enough to see till you stopped drinking.

pigpen

Sommer.. you were lucky to have that realisation and the support and love there of your family when you did stop.. They must be amazing people and you for being worth fighting for.

Personally, I'd say my bit and walk away and let them come to me in their own time.

Sommer43

ValHaller wrote: »

Good grief, that is a scary write up. I take it what you are saying is that the problems were there before but they didn't get started enough to see till you stopped drinking.

Hello Valhaller

I can see your point. Yes they did. I never paid a bill, I never opened a letter, I simply drank.

I was over £50k in debt and it was terrfying. I still have some now, but am paying it off slowly. I care about my life today, I care that my bills are paid and care enough to help my kids out.

I was an irresponsible idiot, who was only interested in a drink. Facing people who I'd hurt and almost destroyed wasn't easy. Namely my children and my father. My now husband has never seen me drunk and I know he wouldn't like me, I wasn't a nice person.

I put it down and I had to grow up. End of.

Sommer43

pigpen wrote: »

Sommer.. you were lucky to have that realisation and the support and love there of your family when you did stop.. They must be amazing people and you for being worth fighting for.

Personally, I'd say my bit and walk away and let them come to me in their own time.

I'd the same were it someone I loved. They cared for me when I stopped drinking, while I was drinking I wouldn't allow them to. Which is all they wanted to do, love me better.

I've lost the craving for a drink now. I can get in my car and not worry about being pulled over by the police, I am legal and I am not worried when the phone rings, the postman comes. Drink nearly killed me and almost destroyed the people around me. I allowed this to happen.

OP. Tell your mother straight. You will no longer visit while she's drinking.